Mewtwo: Coast to Coast
by The Vicious One
Summary: SG'S WORST NIGHTMARE HAS COME TRUE! A NEW FACE ENTERS THE LATE SHIFT!!! AND HIS NAME IS...Mewtwo. Episode 21 "Swagger" contains recently used matieral of old Space Ghost's eps, so keep that in mind!
1. Los Angelos

Mewtwo: Coast to Coast  
  
Disclaimer: This concept is owned by SGC2C I don't own it.  
  
  
Los Angelos  
  
  
:WAITING  
  
  
Annoucer: Last week on a very special Mewtwo: Coast to Coast...  
  
Mewtwo: Get me 100 C.Cs. of bolgerdrine, stat! Clear!  
  
Lugia: Still no pulse.  
  
Mewtwo: Clear!  
  
(A blue mustang is racing down the street, followed by a van. A truck collides   
with a parked car and rolls over)   
  
(Two Enetis appear on the screen)  
  
Eneti 1: I'm Entei!  
  
Entei 2: No, I'm Entei.  
  
Mewtwo: Wait a minute...  
  
Mewtwo: (Scene changes to a tropical setting) A stolen treasure map?  
  
Lugia: A stolen treasure map?  
  
(Another multi-car crash, in slow motion. In the oval office)  
  
Lugia: The clock is ticking Mr. President. You must make a choice!  
  
Mewtwo: (As the president) A stolen treasure map?  
  
(Green smoke seeps from a box in a van, which then explodes)  
  
Lugia: (In the kitchen, with Mewtwo) I, I think I'm pregnant.  
  
Mewtwo: (stares back, with dramatic sting music)  
  
(Eneti's riding on a bus)  
  
Eneti: (Laughs evilly)  
  
Annoucer: And now...the conclusion...  
  
(Cue opening titles and theme, a la Charlie's Angels, with Lugia, Eneti, and Mewtwo in the title screen, with subtitles. (MEWTWO: COAST TO COAST/@ MCMLXXIII Martin Quin)  
  
Annoucer: Mewtwo: Coast to Coast, A Martin Quin production. With Mewtwo, (Mewtwo) Lugia, (Lugia) Choocie Choocie girl, Charo, (Mew) Eneti, (Eneti) Raikou, (Raikou) Metallus (Metallus)  
  
Adrienne Barbeau: Well, there we are...  
  
Annoucer: Adrienne Barbeau, (Handy Man)  
  
Kirk: Do you believe in magic? Any young girl...  
  
Annoucer: And special guest starts, Metallica. (Metallica) Mewtwo: Coast to Coast will be right back after these messages.  
  
:INTERRUPT FEED  
  
:START FEED  
  
Annoucer: Tonight's episode, 'Hickory Dickory Dead.'  
  
Subtitles read HICKORY DICKORY DEAD/ACT I  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings, I'm Mewtwo.  
  
Annoucer: Meanwhile, back at the set...  
  
Mewtwo: I can do it from here.  
  
Annoucer: I'm sorry.  
  
Lugia: Did'ja get Eneti?  
  
Mewtwo: No, got something better. Raikou! Y'okay in there, buddy? I think we're about to start in a minute.  
  
Raikou: Is this on? (click!)  
  
Lugia: You got Raikou?  
  
Mewtwo: Well, what's wrong with that?  
  
Lugia: Nothing...  
  
Raikou: (click!) Is this on? (click!) (click!)  
  
Lugia: ...If you like babies.  
  
Raikou: (click!) Is this on? (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, Raikou. Go ahead.  
  
Raikou: Mewt... (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, go ahead.  
  
Raikou: (click) Hello? (tap tap tap) Is this on? (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, Raikou, I can hear you!  
  
Raikou: (click!) ..at, you Mewt... (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: (Clears throat and sighs)  
  
Raikou: (click!) Hi M- (click!) (click!) (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou!  
  
Raikou: (click!) -Ing is broken! I thi- (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: No, it's not broken, just keep the button pushed in.  
  
Lugia: It's the red button!  
  
Raikou: (long pause) (click!) Broken! (click!)  
  
Mewtwo: No, just keep the button pushed in!  
  
(Raikou presses the wrong button, screen changes to Japanese test pattern)  
  
Raikou: Whoops! Hello...  
  
Mewtwo: No, no, the other one, the other one. The other one!  
  
Raikou: (Finally gets the feeds fixed) Ok! I think I got it!  
  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) Good, you're clear on how the feeds work, right?  
  
Raikou: 10-4 on that, Mewtwo...over and out.  
  
Mewtwo: Send in the musical guest.  
  
Raikou: Now?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes.  
  
Raikou: Oh! Is it that time?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, it's that time.  
  
Raikou: (Starts jacking with the controls.) All right, let's see...um...yeah, right!  
  
Mewtwo: Please welcome, heavy metal music makers, Metallica.   
  
The monitor shows another test pattern with a foreign language speaking.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, all right. Raikou...  
  
Raikou: I can do that better!  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, you know folks, I ran into Metallica just last year at a celebrity Pro-Am down in Merlte...Mertle Beach last year. Mertle Beach, right, Lugia?  
  
Lugia: Pebble.  
  
Mewtwo: Pebble Beach, right.  
  
Raikou: GOT IT!  
  
Mewtwo: Metallica!  
  
(Another test pattern is shown on the screen)  
  
Raikou: I-I, I thought I got it.  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou, what the heck's going on in there, buddy?  
  
Raikou: (Finally gets picture of Metallus) Guest coming up! Fresh of the griddle.  
  
Mewtwo: (Annoyed) Well, it's about time...  
  
Metallus: (Drones on and on)  
  
Mewtwo: This isn't Metallica.  
  
Lugia: Yeah, I know.  
  
Mewtwo: This is Metallus.  
  
Lugia: Right.  
  
Mewtwo: No, it's not right. It's wrong, very wrong.  
  
Lugia: So?  
  
Mewtwo: I think we have a problem.  
  
Lugia: Houston...  
  
Mewtwo: Listen, can you operate the feeds?  
  
Lugia: Me?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah.  
  
Lugia: Nnnnno.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, super!  
  
Lugia: Problem?  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, shut up!  
  
(Title graphic and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT II)  
  
(Scene of Mewtwo battling Mew with french overdubs)  
  
(Title graphic and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT III)  
  
James Hetfield: (Burp!) Sorry, I had a tuna sandwich. Uh, slimy eggs in it.  
  
Raikou: Yeah, I can tell. Would you like a mint?  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou, what are you doing? Is Metallica here?  
  
Raikou: Yeah, he's out there.  
  
Mewtwo: He? You gave me Metallus!  
  
Raikou: Oh. Eh, no biggie.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, biggie! You screwed up the fee- Wait a minute, who's this?  
  
Kirk Hammett: That's the mighty Hetfield.  
  
James Hetfield: Mighty Hetfield, of Earth.  
  
Kirk Hammett: I am Kirk of Earth.  
  
Mewtwo: And your...Metallica.  
  
Kirk Hammett: Yes, sir, that is correct.  
  
Raikou: We we're just having a lovely conversation about tuna.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, that's nice. Now would you give me the right guests so I could do My job. You know, talk show host?  
  
Raikou: Oh, sorry. (Sends Metallica out)  
  
Mewtwo: (Vanishes)  
  
Raikou: ...You think your so hot. I could twist you and punch you and hurt you so badly, I can...  
  
Mewtwo: (Bolting in) I heard that!  
  
Raikou: I didn't say anything!  
  
Mewtwo: (Vanishes)  
  
Kirk Hammett: I, I tell you why you're so...  
  
James Hetfield: Look at the pics. look at Mewtwo, man, when you talk.  
  
Kirk Hammett: Oh, that.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, looky there, Lugia, It's Metallica!  
  
Lugia: Wow! Everybody limbo!  
  
James Hetfield: Howdy, dude.  
  
Kirk Hammett: Hey.   
  
Mewtwo: Howdy Metallica. Did Raikou treat you in a pleasant, courteous, and professional manner?  
  
James Hetfield: I, I hated him.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, you did?  
  
James Hetfield: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: What was the problem?  
  
James Hetfield: He had an annoying voice. I wanted to smash him, with my boots. (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Well, uh, we're in a transitional state...  
  
Raikou: Hey, everybody, listen up!  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou!  
  
Raikou: Mewtwo! Clean up on Aisle 8! (laughs loduly)  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou!  
  
James Hetfield: He is annoying.  
  
Raikou: This intercom thing is a pip!  
  
Mewtwo: Would you excuse me just for a moment?  
  
Kirk Hammett: Ok.  
  
Raikou: (still laughing) Aaah! You're squeezing my arm!  
  
(Title graphic and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT IV)  
  
Celebi: (In the kitchen, with Mewtwo) Mewtwo, I think I'm pregnant.  
  
Mewtwo: (stares back, with dramatic sting music)  
  
Title graphic and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT V  
  
(Kirk is playing "air guitar" to toy guitar music)  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs) That's pretty keen! You boys are quite the musicians!  
  
James Hetfield: We're big fans of, uh, the musical part of your show.  
  
Mewtwo: You like the Lugia, do you?  
  
James Hetfield: Oh yeah, oh yeah.  
  
Kirk Hammett: Love Lugia.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, what do you know? Hey, Lugia, did you hear that, buddy?  
  
Lugia: "Buddy"?  
  
Mewtwo: Looks like you got some fans!  
  
Lugia: Bite me, Metallica!   
  
(Kirk and Jim stare back at Lugia)  
  
Lugia: I bet you think you're evil now.  
  
Kirk Hammett: We love evil.  
  
Lugia: Really, well aren't we the pretty ones!  
  
Kirk Hammett: Yes.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, they're fans of yours!  
  
Lugia: Well, that's what they expect!  
  
Mewtwo: You're twisted.  
  
Lugia: Yup.  
  
Mewtwo: Well boys, I'm gonna give you a break. I'm gonna let you play a song for Lugia. Ladies and gentlemen, Metallica!  
  
James Hetfield: All right, ready?  
  
Kirk Hammett: One, two, three...  
  
James Hetfield: Mine's louder, though.  
  
(Kirk and Jim start playing their toy guitars again)  
  
James Hetfield: (singing) Mewtwo, your like, the dude!   
You oughta, like hang out and be in our band.   
You're, like the man.   
And, uh, you are, cause you kick a lot of buttock.  
(Big Finish)  
Cool!  
  
Lugia: Well, that was stupid.  
  
Mewtwo: LUGIA!  
  
Lugia: Well, it was.  
  
(Title graphics and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT VI)  
  
(Black screen for about 10 seconds)  
  
(Title graphics and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT VII)  
  
Kirk Hammett: Hey, could (Laughs) Could we smoke a cigar, or is it gonna mess with the oxygen in here?  
  
Mewtwo: And just where pray tell did you get those grubby things? Did Raikou give them to you?  
  
Kirk Hammett: You want a cigar?  
  
James Hetfield: No, you go ahead, man.  
  
Mewtwo: Ent, eh, RAIKOU!  
  
Raikou: What?  
  
Mewtwo: Did you give the boys cigars?  
  
Raikou: Well...yes.  
  
Mewtwo: And why did you do that?  
  
Raikou: Well, my daddy always said, "There's nothing like a stogie to clean the pipes," Y'know?  
  
Mewtwo: No, I don't know. Here I am on this anti-smoking campaign, doing telethons, dressing as a clown and visiting children's hospitals, donating time and money out of my own tights, and then here you come, (Does a stupid Raikou impression) 'Here, fellas, smoke up!'  
  
Raikou: But, but I was just being hospitable.  
  
Mewtwo: Hospitable? Hospitable? Raikou, you're fired!!  
  
Raikou: Oh, pooh!  
  
(Mewtwo comes in)  
  
Raikou: Stay away from me! I'm a vicious pokémon!  
  
Mewtwo: Tell me where Eneti is.  
  
Raikou: I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Mewtwo: Don't play dumb.  
  
Raikou: No! Please! Don't hit!  
  
Mewtwo: Tell me where Entei went and I won't!  
  
Raikou: But I can't! Lugia told me not to tell!  
  
Lugia: I did not!  
  
Raikou: He said he would get his swarm of angry henchmen...  
  
Lugia: I did no such thing.  
  
Raikou: He said he was going to...  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia doesn't have a swarm of henchmen.  
  
Raikou: He doesn't?!  
  
Lugia: (evil laugh)  
  
Raikou: Oh, you liar you!  
  
Mewtwo: You give me no choice, Raikou. I'm going to count to three.  
  
Raikou: But, but I, but...  
  
Mewtwo: One two three!  
  
Raikou: (Crying) Ok! Ok! Eneti's on a bus!  
  
Mewtwo: A bus?!  
  
Raikou: To Los Angelos, that's all I know! (sobs) Just, just don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! (sobs louder)  
  
Mewtwo: Calm down, ya big baby!  
  
Raikou: Don't touch me!  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, take over the show, don't escape.  
  
Lugia: Oh, I won't.  
  
Mewtwo: I got some heat to seek!  
  
Lugia: ...What?  
  
Mewtwo: Well, y-you know what I'm talking about.  
  
Lugia: (to Raikou) Pansy.  
  
(Graphic titles and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT VIII)  
  
Suicune: (In the kitchen, with Mewtwo) Mewtwo, it has come to my attention that I am pregnant.  
  
Mewtwo: (stares back, with dramatic sting music)  
  
(Graphic titles and dramatic theme music, subtitle: ACT IX)   
  
Lugia: Wanna go outside?  
  
Kirk Hammett: (laughs) What would happen?  
  
Lugia: You'd explode.  
  
Kirk Hammett: Uh huh.  
  
Lugia: Come on. It's fun.  
  
(Graphic titles and dramatic theme music, subtitle: EPILOGUE)  
  
Eneti is riding a bus.  
  
Eneti: "Everybody's talkin' at me, I don't hear a word they sayin', just..."  
  
Mewtwo: Going somewhere, little Timmy?  
  
Eneti: (surprised) Waaa!  
  
Mewtwo: It was the perfect plan, wasn't it?  
  
Eneti: Look, if your trying to wear me down so I'll confess something I didn't do, I won't do it.  
  
Mewtwo: I just want the truth.  
  
Eneti: Hey listen, the truth is I know nothing about the plane crash or the whereabouts of Umberto Malzone!  
  
Mewtwo: You think he's gonna protect you? You fool. you're useless to him now! Men like him don't hang, Eneti! Men like him watch their own neck.  
  
Eneti: You're kidding.  
  
Mewtwo: I don't feel like kidding today, Eneti. I need to know, are you going to leave me?  
  
(Dramatic sting music)  
  
Eneti: Nah.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok.  
  
(Eneti still) After the Los Angelos incident, Eneti was returned to his post as director of the show, given a spanking and, told never to escape again. (Raikou still) Raikou was also swatted likely across the fanny for his roll in the Metallica debacle. (Mewtwo still) Mewtwo resumed his duties as host of the popular fanfictional talk show, and was later to be spotted that very evening with gal pal, Tori Spelling. (Passenger 12 still) Upon Mewtwo's arrival, Passenger 12 choked on a cracklin' tatah. Witnesses quoted him as saying, "Man, there's a cracklin' tatah choked in ma throat." (Lugia still) Lugia eventually lead Metallica to the outer air lock, where members of the band were heard to say, "Shouldn't we put on a suit or something?" (Metallica still) Metallica exploded in deep space. (Metallus still) Mwam mwam mwam, mwam mwam mwam mwam.  
  
(Credits roll and closing music plays)  
  
Annoucer: The story you have just heard is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Speaking of names, I have a kitty named Fluffy. Sometimes Fluffy scratches the sofa, and I say, "Down, Fluffy, down, or Fluffy get no din-din." Sometimes Fluffy urp in the corner. Fluffy knows better than that. Cats are fun. I like them.  
  
Episode 29: Los Angelos  
  
(Dramatic theme music) 


	2. Hungry

Hungry  
  
  
:WAITING  
  
  
Mewtwo: (stomach growls) Oh, the hunger!  
  
(Opening theme and titles)  
  
Mewtwo: Welcome to the show! Tonight my guests are pork roast and fishwich... (stomach growls) I mean Michael Stipe and Lassie. So, how was your weekend, Lugia?  
  
Lugia: (with British accent) Hey hey hey!  
  
Mewtwo: Mine was good too. Eh, say, what's with the replicant?  
  
Lugia: There is no weekend.  
  
Ray-Ray: Hello.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, yeah. What's with the replicant?  
  
Lugia: We exist in a boundless time continuum, there is no weekend!  
  
Ray-Ray: Hello...hello...  
  
Lugia: Eh, this is my little cousin, Ray-Ray.  
  
Ray-Ray: Hello!  
  
Mewtwo: Hi, Ray!  
  
Ray-Ray: Heh heh.  
  
Mewtwo: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?  
  
Ray-Ray: Uh...bird of 'poc'lypse.  
  
Mewtwo: Isn't that cute? He can't say apocalypse! Watch this...hey kid, say "spaghetti".  
  
Ray-Ray: Pasghetti.  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs) Mmmm, pasghetti...  
  
Ray-Ray: Pasghetti!  
  
Eneti: (In control room, reading book "Reading is Fun for Mentals) Poc-a-lypse. Pocalypse.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, you birds must have billions of relatives, what with all the mating seasons you have.  
  
Lugia: Don't clones hang out at insane farms and eat cows? Jerk!  
  
Mewtwo: Wern't your mother's people Spearows?  
  
Lugia: (Shouting) I AM THE LONE EAGLE OF THE APOCALYPSE!  
  
Ray-Ray: 'Poc'lypse?  
  
Lugia: Think of me when you look...  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, now you're an eagle again! Well, silly me, I thought you were a diving bird!  
  
Lugia: Uh, I am!  
  
Mewtwo: "I am the lone diving bird of the apocalypse."  
  
Ray-Ray: (starts giggling)  
  
Mewtwo: Wait, better yet, "I am the lone fill-in-the-blank of the apocalypse." How's about that, Lugia, leave enough room for you there, hmm?  
  
Lugia: But...  
  
Mewtwo: And how about you start wearing pants to work from now on, Jack?  
  
Lugia: I HAVE THIS FOLD! LOOK IN BETWEEN MY LEGS!  
  
Ray-Ray: (giggling uncontrollably)  
  
Lugia: Say, Ray...  
  
Ray-Ray: Yes?  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
Ray-Ray: Ok.  
  
Mewtwo: Are you guys as hungry as I am?  
  
Lugia: (with western accent) Mmmmmmmm! Hungry, like Hungry Jack hungry?  
  
Mewtwo: No, hungry like a Super Saiyan after a big battle with Majin Buu.  
  
Lugia: No, uh uh.  
  
Ray-Ray: Yes!  
  
Lugia: No, Ray.  
  
Ray-Ray: Yes!  
  
Lugia: Nooo, Ray-Ray.  
  
Ray-Ray: Yes, Lenti!  
  
Lugia: It's "Lugia", Raymond! LU-GI-A!  
  
Ray-Ray: (starts crying)  
  
Mewtwo: (to himself) Oooh, replicant with real poké tears. (aloud) You want a pizza, Ray-Ray?  
  
Lugia: Pizza!  
  
Mewtwo: Pizza pizza, wittle Way-Way.  
  
Ray-Ray: Pizza!  
  
Lugia: Pizza!  
  
Ray-Ray: Peyoni pizza?  
  
Mewtwo: Heh heh...Eneti, establish contact with a pizza parlor! (Lugia and Ray-Ray keep shouting "Pizza!" in the background)  
  
Eneti: Yes, hang on...all right...ok, let me, uh... (throws lever)  
  
Tenchi & Kagato: Hi, Jay! Hi, Jay!  
  
Eneti: Huh? Jay?  
  
Tenchi Masaki: Nice to see you, Jay.  
  
Eneti: Earthlings! (throws lever again)  
  
Sal: (On monitor) Sal's Pizza Emporium, we bake it, you buy it.  
  
Eneti: Aha! (Sends image to Mewtwo's monitor)  
  
Sal: What'll ya have, mister?  
  
Mewtwo: Greeting, pizza merchant. We wish to order a pie with...you guys like anchovies?  
  
Sal: Outta anchovies.  
  
Lugia: How 'bout seel?  
  
Mewtwo: Too chewy.  
  
Lugia: Ummm, yeah. Magikarp?  
  
Mewtwo: You have Magikarp?  
  
Sal: Nope.  
  
Mewtwo: Awwww...  
  
Eneti: Haddock.  
  
Ray-Ray: Waffles. Magikarp Waffles!  
  
Sal: Fresh outta Magikarp waffles already.  
  
Eneti: Hey, hey, Haddock!  
  
Mewtwo: We could get a Seaking...  
  
Eneti: No, no, Haddock!  
  
Mewtwo: I've got it...Orange Roughy!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, get it bloated.  
  
Eneti: Hey, how about Haddock!?  
  
Mewtwo: We'd like a pizza with bloated orange roughy, please.  
  
Lugia: No, wait. Get it sun-bloated. yeah, get it sun-bloated.  
  
Mewtwo: Sorry. Sun-bloated, ok?  
  
Sal: Yeah, yeah. Hey, Mookie! Gimme one large pie, with sun-bloated orange roughy.  
  
Mewtwo: Pronto, with bells on, PDQ!  
  
Lugia: Make sure it's bloated.  
  
Sal: Alright already! (Screen zaps off)  
  
Mewtwo: Mmmm, Orange Seaking...  
  
Ray-Ray: Roughy!  
  
Mewtwo: Whatever. My first guest is one of several thousands of collies who have gone by the name Lassie. But this is the real one!  
  
Lugia: Objection!  
  
Ray-Ray: Yeah, the Jetsons!  
  
Mewtwo: Order! (screen lowers)  
  
Ray-Ray: Oooh, puppy!  
  
Mewtwo: Order!  
  
Ray-Ray: Doggy!  
  
Mewtwo: Shh! Don't startle the dog guest.  
  
Ray-Ray: (quietly) Sorry.  
  
Mewtwo: Gee, you're a nice doggy, Lassie.  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: So, what you been up to?  
  
Lassie: Bark! Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, I know! Does it ever itch right there?  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: You could get some salve. That's what I use when my crotch gets itchy. (No response.) Ok, here's a high-pitch sound only you can hear. AAAAAAAAEEEEAAAAAAEEEAAAAHHHH! Uh!  
  
Lassie: (Tilts her head to one side)  
  
Lugia: You idiot! We can all hear that!  
  
Mewtwo: No you can't. You're bluffing.  
  
Lugia: You're saying "AAAAAEEEEEAAAHHH!"  
  
Mewtwo: Well, how 'bout this? Meemeemeemeemeemeemeemeee...  
  
Ray-Ray: (In unison, at higher pitch) Meemeemeemeemeemeemee...  
  
Lugia: No!  
  
Lassie: Bark! Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: What is it, girl?!  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: There's trouble at the ranch?  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: Hmm...trouble at the farm.  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: You say Celebi was bitten by an Ekans?! Where is he, girl?!  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: He's at old man Tibby's farm.  
  
Lassie: Bark!  
  
Mewtwo: Farms have chickens! Corn! LET'S RIDE! (Flies off)  
  
Lassie: (Walks off screen, static comes up. Mewtwo returns)  
  
Mewtwo: Um, where was that farm again? (low voice) Oh, she's gone... (normal voice) Say, is that pizza here yet?  
  
Ray-Ray: Uh uh.  
  
Mewtwo: What say we enjoy the aroma food from my special scent psychic. Stand back! (zap!)  
  
Lugia: (Sniff) Bacon!  
  
Ray-Ray: Ah! Horsea!  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, guess this one! (zap!)  
  
Lugia: Mmmm, pancreas!  
  
Ray-Ray: Uh, Donkey?  
  
Lugia: No, pancreas.  
  
Mewtwo: And this one? (zap!)  
  
Lugia: Chlorine!  
  
Ray-Ray: Pony!  
  
Lugia: No, Ray-Ray, Chlorine.  
  
Ray-Ray: No, look, pretty pony!  
  
(Scene goes black with subtitle: INSERT HORSE)  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, that's Jumbles.  
  
Ray-Ray: Pretty Jumbles!  
  
Sal: Look, fire dog, for the last time, I can't send you raw pizza.  
  
Eneti: Just gimme the dough, I'll cook it up in twenty seconds.  
  
Sal: Twenty seconds?! What you got back there, a nuclear reactor?  
  
Eneti: Sal, Sal, listen...gimme the dough.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, where's that pizza? It's been over five minutes!  
  
Eneti: Pizza guy on line 2.  
  
Mewtwo: Ah, yes, the pizza man.  
  
Sal: Nobody cooks pizza in only twenty seconds.  
  
Ray-Ray: Hello.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey...  
  
Lugia: Hey, Ray-Ray!  
  
Mewtwo: Hey!  
  
Lugia: STOP!  
  
Mewtwo: WHERE'S MY PIZZA?!? (CHOMP! Jumbles neighs) What happened?!  
  
Lugia: Ray-Ray bit Jumbles.  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Sal: Who's Jumbles?  
  
Mewtwo: He's my horse. Is he ok?  
  
Lugia: I dunno...maybe.  
  
Sal: So is the horse all right or what?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know. Hey! Where's my pizza?  
  
Sal: Well, it's like this. Mookie, the guy who's makin' your pizza, right, turns out he's allergic to Orange Roughy. So he got all hivey and stuff, but now, he's making you another pie.  
  
Ray-Ray: Is Mookie ok?  
  
Sal: Whoahoahoa! Hey, Mookie! You gotta check this out! The baby pidgey's talking!  
  
Lugia: DIVING BIRD!  
  
Ray-Ray: Hello.  
  
Mookie: Freaky!  
  
Lugia: Freaky? (Jumbles snorts) Freaky.  
  
Sal: Hey, that horse, he don't look so good. What's his name, Jingles?  
  
Mewtwo: Jumbles.  
  
Jumbles: Neigh!  
  
Sal: Yeah, Jumbles. He looks lame. You better put him down.  
  
Mewtwo: Look here, pizza man, I'm Mewtwo. I'm Hungry, I've got a talking voodoo doll taking chunks outta my horse, AND I WANT MY PIZZA! (Pounds fist)  
  
Lugia: Freaky Mookie!  
  
Sal: Ok, ok, just trying to help.  
  
Mewtwo: All right. So we're, we're ok, we're fine?  
  
Jumbles: (snort)  
  
:INTERRUPT FEED  
  
:START FEED  
  
Lugia: (playing theme music)  
  
Ray-Ray: Stop stepping on me, stop it!  
  
Lugia: (stops playing)  
  
Ray-Ray: Uhh...  
  
Mewtwo: You better slap a muzzle on that silver freak of nature.  
  
Lugia: You better get that pizza!  
  
Ray-Ray: Yeah!  
  
Jumbles: (Neigh)  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, Jumbles, walk it off. (pause) Hallelujah! It's Michael Stipe! (pause)  
  
Michael Stipe: Heh. (yet another pause!)  
  
Mewtwo: What are those things on your face?  
  
Michael Stipe: Those are my intergalactic space glasses.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh. What can you do with those?  
  
Michael: I can see right through you, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh.  
  
Lugia: Fu-reaky!  
  
Mewtwo: So, Mr. Magno-Specs, your new album is called "Monster"? What's up with that?  
  
Michael Stipe: The new record is, um, it's like, uh, it's a, it's a...  
  
Mewtwo: (mocking in unison) Uh, it's a, it's a...  
  
Michael Stipe: It's a concept record.  
  
Mewtwo: A concept record!  
  
Michael Stipe: It's a, it's, it's like a layman's, a layman's, uh...  
  
Mewtwo: It's a, ummm, it's like a layman's, ummm, there's stuff on your lip.  
  
Michael Stipe: A laymen's dissertation on...  
  
Mewtwo: On the tip of my tongue...  
  
Michael Stipe: ...the black hole phenomenon.  
  
Mewtwo: On the black hole phenomenon! (pause)  
  
Ray-Ray: What, what's this do? (ZAP!!!)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, Mike, I'm going to send you a high pitch sound only you can hear!  
  
Lugia: (To himself) Why me?  
  
Mewtwo: (No audible sound)  
  
Michael Stipe: (Looking up) No message, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, sing that song. Sing that "Shiny, Shiny People" song.  
  
Michael Stipe: No.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, I'll get you started. (sings) Shiny, Shiny People. Shiny, Shiny People.  
  
Michael Stipe: I hate that song.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, me too, Mike. Me too...say, Mike. Do you think I'm a shiny, shiny pokémon?  
  
Michael Stipe: I would say yes.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes?  
  
Michael Stipe: Yes.  
  
Mewtwo: You're sure?  
  
Michael Stipe: Yes.  
  
Mewtwo: You don't see no dark, horrible corner inside me, do you?  
  
Michael Stipe: No, none.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok...you're sure?  
  
Michael Stipe: Yep.  
  
Lugia: I have a question. Is that you in the corner?  
  
Michael Stipe: (looks down under glasses)  
  
Lugia: That way, in the corner. (Picture of Lugia's band, and Michael Stipe's face in the corner, rubbing his teeth)  
  
Michael: That's me in the corner, yeah.  
  
Lugia: Fu-reaky!  
  
Mewtwo: So what's next for you? What's on your plate? (stomach growls) Ohh!  
  
Michael Stipe: Um, I'm going to drive to dinner.  
  
Lugia: Take us!  
  
Michael Stipe: No.  
  
Ray-Ray: (whining) I wanna go!  
  
Lugia: (whining also) Take us, please!  
  
Michael Stipe: No.  
  
Lugia: Come on, Stipe! Give us a break! BUY US SOME DINNER!  
  
Ray-Ray: I wanna sit down.  
  
Lugia: SHUT UP!  
  
Mewtwo: How about him? Will he take us?  
  
Michael Stipe in the corner: Yes, absolutely!  
  
Mewtwo: Great, see ya! (zaps MS off his monitor, and into Eneti's)  
  
Eneti: Just me, Eneti. Outta lines, hangin' out.  
  
Mewtwo: (to himself) I'm so hungry, I'm lightheaded. (Aloud) Can I have a hall pass, Miss Steckler? I wanna go home now, Miss Steckler. (passes out, then comes to minutes later)  
  
Lugia: I wanna go home to, Miss Steckler.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, where's your cousin?  
  
Lugia: Who? Oh, I put him in my mouth and swallowed him.  
  
Mewtwo: THAT'S BARBERIC! (Low voice) Um, any pieces left?  
  
Lugia: Um...(swallows) Nope.  
  
Mewtwo: I'm gonna miss the little guy. (Fade out) Let's look back at all the fun we had with our special friend...Ray-Ray.  
  
(Subtitles read with Melancholy background music: Ray-Ray: A Special Friend)  
  
(Still shot of Mewtwo, Lugia, and Ray-Ray at Mt. Rushmore dressed up as tourists Ray's T-shirt reads "I (heart) Apocalypse")  
  
(Still shot of Eneti and Ray-Ray taking a bath in the middle of a busy street)  
  
(Still shot of Mewtwo, Lugia, and Ray-Ray in drag in front of a boarded up PokéMart)  
  
(Still shot of Mewtwo and Ray-Ray flying kites during a tornado)  
  
(Fade out...)  
  
(Back in the studio)  
  
Mewtwo: (Sounding light-headed) I think I should see the nurse, Miss Steckler...ENETI! GET ME THAT PIZZA BOY!  
  
Tenchi and Kagato: Hi, Jay! Hi, Jay!  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not Jay, I'm Mewtwo! Who are you two?  
  
Tenchi Masaki: I'm Tenchi Masaki, and this is Kagato.  
  
Kagato: Hello, Mewtwo.  
  
Tenchi Masaki: Hmm...Mewtwo, that's the name on our pizza.  
  
Mewtwo: MY PIZZA!  
  
Tenchi Masaki: Thank you for the gift.  
  
Kagato: Mmmm, Orange Roughy!  
  
(They both laugh as the credits roll)  
  
Mewtwo: That's a good Jumbles.  
  
Jumbles: (snort)  
  
Mewtwo: Feeling better now?  
  
Jumbles: Yeah.  
  
EPISODE 14: HUNGRY  
  
(BEEP!) 


	3. Bobcat

Bobcat  
  
  
:WAITING  
  
(dramatic orchestra hit)  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yes! Hello, if you are watching us on other planets, I want you to know that...on Earth, I am the leader, I rule! Everyone on Earth must follow me! Ha ha ha ha! (Aside) Don't tell them the turth, ok, Mewtwo?  
  
(Opening theme music and titles)  
  
Mewtwo: (Appears) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo, welcome to the show. Joining me tonight, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, and rock and roll citizens The Ramones.  
  
Lugia: (jamming) Hey, ho, let's go! Hey, ho, let's go!  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia is all geeked up about the Ramones being here. (Lugia keeps jamming) That's good, Lugia. (keeps jamming) That's enough Lugia. (keeps jamming) LUGIA! (jamming winds down and stops) My first guest (one more not interrupts Mewtwo) ... (taps cards) My first guest is a comedian. He is Bobcat Goldthwait, welcome him! (Intro music plays & screen lowers; Lugia's face is on the screen instead of Bobcat)  
  
Lugia: (imitating Bobcat) Uh, hi, Mewtwo!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaah!  
  
Lugia: (normal voice) Your show is lame.  
  
Mewtwo: Are you done, Lugia?  
  
Lugia: I'm Bobcat, interveiw me!  
  
Mewtwo: You're not fooling anyone, Lugia, we know it's you.  
  
Lugia: Is this how you treat your guests?  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti!  
  
Lugia: Wait!  
  
(Eneti watches Lugia on monitor with the following caption, in mirror image writing:)  
  
Divvi Luggehelicoptera 2:3.9  
Phly Disgustis 7  
Eagle Icky 3.5  
Creepy Cra {?}  
Waterhopps  
Silver Pale {?}  
Surplus {?}  
DIVING BIRD LINK  
  
Eneti: Sorry, man. Boss's orders. (throws lever)  
  
Lugia: NO! (zaps off screen; new image is infinite regressioin of Mewtwo's set)  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, it's me, watching me, watching me, watching me!  
  
Eneti: Simpleton Pokémon!  
  
Mewtwo: Are you lookin' at me? You must be lookin' at me. There's no one else here...(shoots at screem twice with psybeam) (laughs) Alrighty!  
  
Eneti: Gawd, LOSER! (throws switch again, Bobcat appears)  
  
Mewtwo: Hello, Bobcat, welcome to the show.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Hi, Mewtwo, how are you today?  
  
Mewtwo: I'm energized, just like a jittering woodchuck. You know, when they cling to the side of a tree, and their jaws move up and down and up and down over and over really fast gaining speed until its just a blur of vibrating gums and lips (mouth becomes a blur) Energized! (more subdues) And, how are you, Bobcat?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: I'm livin' a dream, thanks a lot for having me back on the show.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, we're certainly glad to have you back on the show.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Although I've never been on your show before, you...  
  
Mewtwo: Of course you haven't.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: You look pretty good.  
  
Mewtwo: That because I've been lifting heavy boulders and have lots of psy powers.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Really? Yeah, well, it shows, you look pretty cut, you look pretty buff.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, aren't you sweet? I like you, Bobcat.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: I like you, Mewtwo. I got a question, what's what's your real name?  
  
Mewtwo: Ummm...  
  
Lugia: Kowalski Fredrick.  
  
Mewtwo: (glares at Lugia)  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Kowalski Fredrick? Really? Stick with Mewtwo, much cooler.  
  
Mewtwo: (face turns red) Er, I agree.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Wouldn't really work on the babes too much in a bar.  
  
Mewtwo: (face turns beet red) I, I agree...  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: "Hi, I'm Kowalski"?  
  
Mewtwo: I realize that! (pause) Lugia's real name is Jamie Cann.  
  
Lugia: (looking surprised) What?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: (laughs) Hi, Lugia, how ya doin', pleasure to be on the show.  
  
Lugia: Oh no, the pleasure is all mine! (Through his psychic mind) (Pathetic Earthling! Your feeble words do not amuse me!)  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Lugia? Do you eat your young?  
  
Lugia: (looks surprised) Uh, um...  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia eats anything, young, old, and then some! (Bobcat makes "Lugia" faces while Mewtwo talks) Say, Bobcat is a good name! Tell us, what's your secret identity?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: My secret identity? Like, if you saw me in real life?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh...  
  
Lugia: Yeah, like if he saw you in real life.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Uhhhhh...I...Joey Lawrence.  
  
Mewtwo: Get out! I've got your album!  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yeah, girl, you know it's true.  
  
Mewtwo: I hear Blossom hates you.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Kowalski!  
  
Mewtwo: Well?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: See, it's an issue right now, and I feel strong about it.  
  
Mewtwo: You don't look very strong.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Well, I may look small, but I'm pretty wiry.  
  
Mewtwo: Sorry.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Mewtwo, I've got a question for you, and this isn't, I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but...do you think I'm pretty?  
  
Mewtwo: (looks back blankly)  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Just like another guy to a guy?  
  
Mewtwo: (pause) Ummm...yes! I think you're a pretty man.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Thank you. I think you're pretty handsome yourself, Mewtwo.Although the eagle, hmmm, I dunno.  
  
Lugia: (glares at him, Lugia's cry from PKMN Gold and Silver plays)  
  
Mewtwo: Hmmmmm, I see what you mean...but on a serious note, Bobcat, how would you stop crime in America?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: I think you wanna stop crime in America, you say a very special episode of "Blossom" where the entire cast gets ball-peen hammers in the knee-caps.  
  
Mewtwo: Ooooh...  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: I promise you there'll be a half-hour of non-violent America. Because everybody'd be glued to the set. "Hey, they hit Joey Lawrence in the knee cap yet?"  
  
Mewtwo: You think that could work?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Well, no, not really, perhaps, I, I need to loosen my pants.  
  
Mewtwo: Go ahead!  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: (loosens pants, sound of pressure escaping) Oooo! Man, I feel better already! Wooo!  
  
Mewtwo: You should try spandex!  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yeah, you know, I'm actually one of the only superheroes that wear leisure suits.  
  
Mewtwo: Speaking on heroes, who are yours?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Wow! Um, geez, I dunno, I like all the greats you know, Curly. I think that's what my coif actually looks like, what if Rutger Hauer and Curly Howard pounded out a baby..."Hey, Moe. I'm a replicant! Ne ne ne ne ne!" (makes Stooge hand and face gesture)  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs) (Replicants were the evil creation of Dr. Zin) (aloud) Ahem, let's see, where am I? (mumbles) Oh! Who's your arch enemy?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: John Tesh.  
  
Mewtwo: The composer?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: The whole man. John Tesh scares me.  
  
Mewtwo: Say, do you have any super powers?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yeah, what size TM are you?  
  
Mewtwo: Colossal! Why?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Because I have a, I'm usually like a, a small TM, believe it or not, but I've been retaining a lot of fluids lately, so, probably a medium TM.  
  
Mewtwo: How about anice pleated skirt?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Boy, Mewtwo, you're really switching gears!  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, it's a 15 minute show! And, we need to take a break.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: What's the eagle's name again, I'm sorry?  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Oh, yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia. I like saying "Lugia".  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Lugia, play me something public domain.  
  
Lugia: (plays something from their vast easy listening library)  
  
Mewtwo: We'll be right back after this.  
  
Lugia: It appears we will be right back.  
  
:INTERRUPT FEED  
  
:START FEED  
  
Lugia: Uh, because no one can stop it, the show is back...  
  
(Theme music plays in background)  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Barney's going to make more kids snap than Bugs Bunny.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: A kid knows Bugs Bunny's joking around, kids think Barney's for real!  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: "I love you", you don't love us, Barney, you don't even know us!  
  
Mewtwo: Ok! We're back with Bobcat Goldthwait! I understand you have spcial powers.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yes. I'm able to, uh, bend forks.  
  
Mewtwo: Wow!  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: But only at Denny's. Any other kind of forks I don't seem to able to bend.  
  
Mewtwo: Wow, now, is that physically or mentally? Or perhaps Psychically?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Um, I do it with my mind...but you gotta look away, really, for a little while.  
  
Mewtwo: When I said you were pretty, I meant you remind me of Judy Collins.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Judy Collins? (laughs) Wow, Mewtwo, man, crack a window, will ya?  
  
Mewtwo: I'd be violently sucked into space.  
  
Eneti: Heh, then maybe people would tune in.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Well, I think Eneti's giving us the signal to wrap it up, huh, Mewtwo?  
  
Mewtwo: No, Bobcat, that's just his way of telling us to finish the interveiw. Join us for dinner after the show?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Thanks, I'd love to join you for dinner, but I don't know about eating with no gigantic eagle. Don't they spit on their food first and then mulch it up and spit it back out?  
  
Lugia: THAT is regurgitational ingestion, flies and Venomoths do it, not eagles.  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Yeah, well that, but you know, that's exactly how I eat, so, perhaps I will dine with you.  
  
Mewtwo: Alrighty! We'll meet you in the chamber after the show. Any parting words?  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Mewtwo, I want to party with you.  
  
Mewtwo: You mean with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats?  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Perhaps, perhaps.  
  
Mewtwo: Alrighty then! My next guests are Lugia's favorite band. Please welcome the Ramones!  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: Thanks, man.  
  
(The Ramones appear on the screen)  
  
Lugia: Hey, Joey.  
  
Joey Ramone: (waves)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok then. Identify yourselves, Ramones.  
  
Johnny Ramone: I'm Johnny Ramone.  
  
Marky Ramone: I'm Marky Ramone.  
  
Joey Ramone: And I'm Joey.  
  
C.J. Ramone: And I'm C.J.  
  
Lugia: And I'm Lugia Ramone.  
  
Eneti: And I'm Eneti Ramone.  
  
Mewtwo: (to camera) They're not really Ramones. (to Ramones) Say, fellas, tell us about your new record.  
  
Johnny Ramone: "Acid Eaters", that's our later album, it's a cover album of, uh, songs that were recorded in, um, generally around the 1967-68, period of time.  
  
Mewtwo: And it's just now coming out?  
  
Ramones: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, on your thrid album "Rocket Fuel", (makes gibberish noises) Too many cokes!  
  
Ramones: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Ah ha haa! Hey! Tell me about your music.  
  
C.J. Ramone: It's snappy.  
  
Johnny Ramone: It's always meant for rebellious kids.  
  
Mewtwo: Rebellious?  
  
Johnny Ramone: Uhhh, we're a bunch of punks.  
  
Mewtwo: Hmmm...well, you just listen to me, you punks, I don't want any trouble from you. This is a good show. This is a clean show. This is a good clean show.  
  
C.J. Ramone: You ever get a wedgie with a fold? It's not pleasant. (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Uhhh...  
  
Bobcat Goldthwait: (on control room monitor, with Eagle text from before, to Eneti) This is going as well as the Letterman-Madonna interveiw.  
  
Eneti: Yup.  
  
Mewtwo: Allll right then, you punks, you're musicians, make something up for me.  
  
Marky Ramone: Well, how about: "way, we-we-way, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way."  
  
Mewtwo: "Way way way", that's catchy!  
  
Joey Ramone: It was subliminal.  
  
Marky Ramone: That was, that was the instrumental part.  
  
Mewtwo: Ah! Uh, now do the word part.  
  
Marky Ramone: How about: "Mewtwo, Mewtwo, you're the most, from coast to coast..."  
  
Mewtwo: Listen, we have to go. Bobcat invited me to a party, with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats, and you can't come because you're punks and punks don't go to parties. Hey, you guys got a cake!  
  
Marky Ramone: It's a nice chocolate vinilla.  
  
Johnny Ramone: There's plates right there...  
  
Mewtwo: Hey! Where'd you guys get that cake?  
  
(All Ramones are "wearing" paper hats)  
  
Marky Ramone: You want a piece of this?  
  
C.J. Romane: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: That's my party cake! Where did you guys get my party cake? Who gave them my party cake? I want my party cake! That was specifically definitely for Bobcat and me! Lugia! Did you give them my party cake?  
  
Lugia: (with paper hat and crumbs falling out of mouth) Uh, what party cake?  
  
Eneti: (with paper hat and cake) Mmmm, chocolate party cake.  
  
(Credits roll. New Island in credits wearing a party hat)  
  
Marky Ramone: "Way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way we-way. (skip) we-way. (skip) we-way. (skip) we-way. " (fade out) 


	4. Jerk!

Jerk!  
  
  
:WAITING  
  
  
Mewtwo: (Sitting at desk, reading a speech) ...but most of all, I'd like to take a   
moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me,   
Mewtwo! Thank you, me!  
Eneti: Ten seconds, Mewtwo.  
Mewtwo: Ok, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now...  
first, the Fanfiction Ace Awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Shecky, Lulu,   
Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...  
Celebi: HEY!!!  
Mewtwo: Aaugh!  
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!  
Mewtwo: No!  
Celebi: Let Celebi do the intro! Live from New Island, it's Celebi!  
Mewtwo: No!  
Celebi: Let Celebi sing the theme!  
Mewtwo: No, no, no, no!  
Celebi: La la la la la la!  
Eneti: You're on!  
  
Opening theme and titles, Celebi sings along.  
  
Mewtwo: Who let that little creep on? Did anyone listen to what I said? Didn't   
I just get done telling everyone, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby   
Pichu's...  
Lugia: MEWTWO!  
Mewtwo: What?  
Eneti: Like, we're on the air, man!  
Mewtwo: Wait, I'm not ready! That little creep threw me off! Ok, start over!  
Eneti: What?  
Lugia: You jerk, Mewtwo, we're live! You can't start over!  
Mewtwo: Um, uh, well then, un, everyone close your eyes!  
Lugia: What?  
Mewtwo: CLOSE THEM!  
Lugia: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)  
Mewtwo: You too, home citizens!  
  
Quick! Turn off your computer for five seconds!  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, now. Open them.  
Lugia: (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrustd shut! Help me!   
Help meeeeee!  
Mewtwo: (low voice) Ten seconds, and already, this one's in the toliet. (normal   
voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! (laughs) Whoopsie daisy! As you   
can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky. (ripping   
sound)  
Lugia: Wacky?  
Eneti: Kooky?  
Mewtwo: That's because tonight's show is a real doozy. My guest's is that   
sassy chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and...wait a second...Eneti, is this right?   
A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?  
Eneti: His name is Palmer Mills...nice guy.  
Mewtwo: An average citizen, on my doozy? Eneti, what gives?  
Eneti: Eh, we got him, dirt cheap.  
Mewtwo: (disapointed sigh) Uh, well, besides that star studded line-up, we've   
added oodles of exciting new features to our show.  
Lugia: What a load of sh...  
Mewtwo: What's that, Lugia? What are those loads of excitement? Well, for   
starters, we have a live studio audience here in our studio! Completely live!   
(applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at New   
Island, live! (phone rings) Now now!  
  
DO NOT CALL IN...  
  
THIS IS A FANFICTION JOKE SHOW  
  
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?  
  
Mewtwo: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice of Lance! (does double take)   
What?  
Lugia: (evil laugh) Live!  
Mewtwo: Eh, not happening!  
Lugia: Rats.  
Audience: Boooo!  
Mewtwo: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live   
studio audience.  
  
The audience is full of Lugia's family.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, my God! It's the lone audience of the apocalypse! Lugia, do you   
know these people?  
Lugia: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Mewtwo?  
Uncle Sally: (in Southern accent) Lu-gia! Lu-gia! Ovah heah!  
Aunt Omar: Hi, Lu-gia!  
Lugia: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Sally, Aunt Omar. Uh, sorry about your son, Ray-Ray   
Aunt Omar: That's ok, we was gonna feed him to a Tenacruel! (Laughs)  
Mewtwo: I don't find THAT funny.  
Lugia: Don't be such a jerk, Mewtwo!  
Mewtwo: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!  
Lugia: Oh, my, Mew Jerk can count!  
Audience: (laughter)  
Mewtwo: Don't call me a jerk, Lugia! You...you...you jerk!  
Lugia: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!  
Mewtwo: No, you are!  
Lugia: You are!  
Mewtwo: You are!  
Lugia: You are!  
Mewtwo: Jerk!  
Lugia: Jerk!  
Mewtwo: Jerk!  
  
They say "Jerk" faster and faster.  
  
Mewtwo: Enough! We've wasted too much award-winning time! Eneti, first guest!   
Get Sandra on!  
Eneti: Yeah, whatever...jerk!  
Mewtwo: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, star of her own   
multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Berhard!  
Eneti: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.  
Mewtwo: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now, I have to that ordinary guest guy!  
Salesman: (Appears on monitor) For your free copy...  
Mewtwo: (Monitor changes again, showing Palmer Mills) Who's that?  
Eneti: It's your guest.  
Mewtwo: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden   
variety non-celebrity citizen whatever.  
Palmer Mills: Glad to be here with you today.  
Mewtwo: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe What's-his-face. (condescending) So, you   
own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?!  
Palmer Mills: I thought you'd ask that...  
Mewtwo: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could punt you like a football all   
the way from here to Nantucket from now til' Doomsday!  
Palmer Mills: (Stares back) Well...  
Mewtwo: You think it'll rain today? How about those Dallas Cowboys? Better   
yet, how about those Atlanta Braves? BOXERS OR BRIEFS?!  
Palmer Mills: Well, that's a rather pointed questions?  
Mewtwo: Well, that's what you average citizens talk about, right? Hmmmmm,   
huh, hmmmmmm? ANSWER ME!!!  
Lugia: Mewtwo, he's a guest!  
Mewtwo: Some guest he is! Look at him, he's mundaning up my whole show!   
How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph,   
pizzazz, joy d' vivre! Eneti! Is Sandra ready yet?!  
Eneti: Well, um...no.  
Mewtwo: Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my   
shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?  
Caller 1: Actually, I'd like to ask Palmer Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.  
Palmer Mills: Tim Allen, well, he doesn't own a store in our town.  
  
Eneti, Lugia, and the audience laugh.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, I do the jokes here! NEXT CALLER! You're on the air with Mewtwo!  
Suicune (Caller 2): Hello, hello.  
Mewtwo: Yes, you're on the air!  
Suicune: Yes, do you sell anything to eraticate big silver diving birds?  
Lugia: What! Is that you, Suicune?!  
Palmer Mills: Sevindust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great.  
Mewtwo: Hmmmm! Sevindust with a Metool. I'll have to remember that. Hey,   
you know something, what's-your-face? I should stop by your store. I need to   
replace my...orgone...zargon...um, Zorganite...  
Lugia: Heh heh...  
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.  
Mewtwo: I know how to say it, foolish mortal! I am a talk show host, and a   
rare pokémon. I can say things! I can say LOTS of things! Tuna fish, Parentheses,   
Coochie-Coochie girl Charo, Izzy Glow, Drop Dead, uh...Garbage...Zingnut Ranch!  
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.  
Mewtwo: That tears it! No skinny pink boy's going to tell me how to say things on   
my show! Eneti, get him off!  
Audience: BOOOOO!  
Lugia: Sheesh! What a jerk!  
Mewtwo: Everyone be quiet, or I'll kill you all! ENETI! SANDRA BERNHARD! NOW!  
Eneti: She went out for, uh...knishes.  
Mewtwo: (pause) Ok, ok, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.  
Celebi: Hail Celebi!  
Eneti: Hail Celebi!  
Audience: HAIL CELEBI!  
Mewtwo: Not Celebi! BREAK! BREAK!!  
Audience: (Chanting) HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI! HAIL CELEBI!  
  
:INTERRUPT FEED  
  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) I'm an unhappy Togepi...  
  
:START FEED  
  
Eneti: Sorry about M2 out there, man. He's, he's bein' a real jerk tonight.  
Palmer Mills: I was a bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?  
Eneti: No, you were great man! You were great! We're still on for goin' fishin'?   
Is this weekend good for you?  
Palmer Mills: Any time, any time.  
Audience: (Applause)  
Mewtwo: LUGIA, I'M WARNING YOU!  
Lugia: (blows raspberry)  
Eneti: Ix-nay, Two-me-nay.  
Mewtwo: Oh, hi! Welcome back to our show, where any day no,w my guest will   
be the lovely Sandra Bernhard...in the meantime, let's take some calls from you,   
the veiwers. Hello, you're on the air.  
Caller 3: Yeah, I have a question for Mr. Mills.  
Mewtwo: He's off the show. Next?  
Caller 4: Yes, I have a question for Sandra.  
Mewtwo: Sorry, she's not here yet. You have any questions for me?  
Caller 4: No, I don't, you little bug-eyed freak! (Hangs-up)  
Mewtwo: (Sullen) Does any one want to speak to me? I'm the host! (Angry now)   
NEXT CALLER!  
Clair (Caller 5): (in a very sexy voice) Lugia?  
Lugia: Yeeeees?  
Clair: Play "Misty's Song" for me.  
Lugia: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!  
Caller 6: Is your refrigerator running?  
Mewtwo: What a stupid question, of course it is!  
Caller 6: Better go catch it!  
  
Everyone laughs, but Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!  
Lugia: What a jerk!  
Mewtwo: HELLO!!!  
Caller 7: (Nerdy voice) Paging Mewtwo.  
Mewtwo: YOU?! Haven't I told you not to call here?! HANG UP! (Click!) ENETI,   
NEXT CALLER!  
Caller 8: (Actually Ash and Misty) (Busy tone) Jerk!  
Mewtwo: Next caller!  
Caller 9: Yes, is this Mewtwo?  
Mewtwo: Yes, it's me.  
Caller 9: Hello. I'm calling to tell you about your free psychic reading from   
Psychic Inc. of Goldenrod.  
Mewtwo: Egh, not interested!  
Caller 9: If I could just have your age and credit card...  
Mewtwo: GO BLOW MILTANKS, WAGE SLAVE!  
Caller 9: YOU JERK! (Slams phone down, busy tone)  
Lugia: Why are you being such a jerk tonight, Mewtwo? Is it...the loneliness?  
Mewtwo: Well...  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, I'm not lonely, and I'm not a jerk!  
Lugia: YES! YES! YOU'RE THE LONELIEST, JERKIEST, JERK! YOU'RE KING JERK!  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
Lugia: Lord jerk! Emperor jerk! POPE OF THE JERKS!  
Mewtwo: LUGIA!  
Lugia: Jerk-miester, Jerk-a-rino, Jerk-enstien, beef jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy,   
JERK-A-MUNDO!  
Mewtwo: Lugia, I'm rubber and you are glue, Lugia.  
Lugia: Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!  
Mewtwo: ENETI! THE PHONE!  
Eneti: (laughs)  
Mewtwo ENETI!!!  
Eneti (still laughing) What?  
Mewtwo: THE PHONE!!!  
Eneti: Uh, yeah, um, could you get that?  
Mewtwo: Fine, then! Hello? ...Uh, hello?  
Giovanni: Hello, Mewtwo...  
Mewtwo: Th-that...that voice!  
Giovanni: Do you know who this is, Mewwikins?  
Mewtwo: My God! I know that voice, but it can't be! You're-  
Giovanni: In Viridan Prison? Oh no, Mewwy Boy, not anymore. I ESCAPED LAST   
NIGHT!  
Mewtwo: Now look, Gio...  
Lugia: Who's Gio?  
Mewtwo: Oh, just evil, plain and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss this.  
Lugia: Evil Gio? Sounds like a crappy video game company.  
Mewtwo: Actually, it's not...he's...(dramatic sting music) GIOVANNI!!!  
Lugia: Giovanni?  
Mewtwo: Yes, the leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni. He was my master. Doesn't   
anyone here have a master.  
Eneti: Nope.  
Lugia: Not me, brother.  
Palmer Mills: No, no, no.  
Mewtwo: (pause) Ah, we walked alike, we talked alike...  
Lugia: What a crazy pair!  
Mewtwo: And then one day, a boy named Ash made him lose control.  
Giovanni: Mewtwo, do you remember when you was a child? How I used to   
make you cry. Ai, Mewtwo! Remember Ai? How she was killed by our very own   
Rocket Gang, until you got your knees with tears runnin' down your face, then...  
Mewtwo: (Nervously) I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, I GOT A SHOW TO DO! (Hides   
under his desk)  
Giovanni: Wait for me, Two. Wait for me, I'll be right over! FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-  
HA-HA-HA! (Hangs up, busy tone)  
  
Everyone is shocked.  
  
Lugia: Psst! Mewtwo?  
Mewtwo: Uh, yes?  
Lugia: Is Giovanni a jerk just like you?  
  
The audience laughs some more.  
  
Mewtwo: (emerges from desk) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Bird! You don't   
want to me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Bird?!  
Lugia: Mr. Funny Bird?  
Audience: (in unison) Mr. Funny Bird?!  
Sandra Bernhard: (Finally on screen, laughs)  
Lugia: (stares at Sandra)  
Mewtwo: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?  
  
Sandra stares at Lugia.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, SANDRA! Eneti, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Welcome,   
Sandra, it's about time...I mean, welcome to the show!  
Audience: (appluase)  
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!  
Lugia: Hey, Sandra, what do you call Mewtwo drinkin' Nurse Cola?  
Sandra Bernhard: Um...  
Lugia: A SODA JERK!  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, I want a big laugh like Lugia! Eneti, get me a big laugh!  
  
Eneti throws a switch, and a feeble laugh comes out.  
  
Mewtwo: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, eh, Sandra, tell us about your super powers.  
Sandra Bernhard: My super powers?  
Mewtwo: Yes, yes, your super powers.  
Sandra Bernhard: I can psychically read every thought inside your mind right now,   
if you have any, wait...I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.  
Mewtwo: (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need Protein...I'd love to clone Mew...  
Hmm...Clone her twice! Drink some whiskey...)  
Sandra Bernhard: You want to clone Mew...twice. Drink some whiskey...and eat   
a chimichanga!  
Mewtwo: AH! SHE'S SCANNING ME!  
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)  
Mewtwo: Get out of my mind, Sandra! You're freaking me out!  
Sandra Bernhard: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?  
Lugia: She's alright!  
Eneti: She IS alright!  
Lugia: That girl's al-l-l-l-right! She's...real people!  
Mewtwo: Ehhhhh, yeah.  
Sandra Bernhard: That's one of my super powers.  
Mewtwo: Ahem, let's take some calls for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air.  
Lance (Caller 10): (sexier voice) Do you know what I'm thinking, Sandra?  
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, I know what your thinking, I can't have Vicious bust this   
fic up to a lemon, though.  
Mewtwo: Let's take some SERIOUS calls, please! Next caller! Hello?  
Celebi (Caller 11): DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?!  
Sandra Bernhard: (laughs)  
Mewtwo: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with   
Sandra Bernhard!  
Caller 12: Yeah, um, what fic comes up after this? My, um, browser shut down on   
me.  
Mewtwo: NEXT CALLER!  
Caller 13: Yes, can I see your muscles?  
Mewtwo: Why, yes! Admire my-  
Caller 13: Not yours, hers, you jerk!  
  
Mewtwo looks disapointed after that.  
  
Sandra Bernhard: (rolls up sleeve) Ok, well, I'm not going to show them all, but   
I will show you this one. (Flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?  
Mewtwo: (still disapointed) Yeah, great, Sandra. NEXT!  
Lugia: Jerk!  
Steven Richards of the RTC (Caller 14): Mr. Mewtwo? This is Steven Richards   
of the Right to Censor...  
Mewtwo: (Franticly) ENETI, NEXT CALL!!!  
Steven: Hello? (Feedback increases)  
Mewtwo: Caller, turn down your set!  
Steven: Hello-o-o?  
Mewtwo: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! NEXT CALLER, NOW!!!  
Caller 15: The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream ,scream for your   
lives!  
Lugia: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!  
Eneti: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!  
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!  
Mewtwo: Sandra, for you and you alone, this night...will be forgotten...  
Salesman: (zaps on) Well, there we are... (zaps off and Celebi appears)  
Celebi: ALL HAIL CELEBI!  
Mewtwo: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! Eneti, stop the tape!  
Celebi: WAAAAAHHH!!! You hurt Celebi's feelings!  
Mewtwo: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! Get out everyone, the shows   
over, out with you!  
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
Lugia: Good luck winning an award for this one, Mew Jerk!  
Mewtwo: I don't care. I don't need any awards! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'm   
Mewtwo! The rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9 to 5 nobodies!   
You're all cannon fodder, you hear?! You're the guys in red suits on "Star Trek".   
GET OUT!!!  
  
He creates a big aura, and everyone except him vanishes.  
  
Mewtwo: ...Well, I sure blew it. I'm never gonna win any awards after this fiasco!   
Never, never, never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk!  
  
The room is now eeriely quiet.  
  
Mewtwo: Boy, it sure is creepy here, all alone... (pause) Hey! If I'm alone here...  
th-then who's behind the camera?  
Giovanni: Are you ready to be enslaved again...Mewtwo? FWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-  
HA-HA-HA-HA!  
Mewtwo: OH...MY......Mommy?!?  
  
(credits roll with Mewtwo frozen in shock on the side)  
  
Lugia: She's alright!  
Eneti: She IS alright!  
  
EPISODE 17: JERK!  
  
(Phone clicks) 


	5. Warren

MEWTWO AND LUGIA: WARREN  
  
Disclaimer: This was taken from an ep. of SG. I do not own it.  
  
  
TV: And now, back to The Warren Show.  
Mewtwo: Oh, I love Warren.  
Warren: Tell us, Mewtwo. What are you super powers?  
Mewtwo: (Original PKMN movie voice) I do have a few of my own. For example,   
I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings. I also have   
X-Ray vision...and I can make change for a dollar.  
Lugia and Eneti: Mwahahahahaha!  
Mewtwo on TV: Thank you.  
Mewtwo: WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE NEV...  
Mewtwo on TV: I can also bend my index finger.  
Mewtwo: I have never been on Warren! That guy's a replecant!  
Mewtwo on TV: I can bend spoons with my mind...but they have to plastic   
spoons.  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Eneti and Lugia: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
Mewtwo on TV: I can't bend real spoons.  
Mewtwo: THIS IS SUCH BULL!  
  
He psyshocks the TV, and it explodes.  
  
Mewtwo: I am super unsatisfied to be replecated in this way, super unsatisfied!   
I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!  
Lugia: Pick me up a hitch-hiker, will ya?  
Mewtwo: You're coming with us, Lugia. We'll go see Warren, then swing by the   
Department Store and pick you up some new slacks.  
Lugia: And a hitch-hiker?  
Mewtwo: We'll see.  
Eneti and Lugia: SHOTGUN!  
Eneti: YES!  
  
Later, in the car.  
  
Eneti: (Getting kicked by Lugia) Stop it.  
Mewtwo: (Mocking voice) I have X-Ray vision and I can make change for a   
dollar!   
Eneti: Stop it!  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) I can make change for 5 dollars if I had to.  
Eneti: Quit it!  
  
They head to Rock Tunnel.  
  
Eneti: Is this it? (Gets kicked again.) QUIT IT!  
Mewtwo: Yep, it's just the way I remembered it...oh, look! They put a Mr. Winters   
over there! You see, boys, Warren was my mentor, he was the wind beneath   
my tail. I learned so much that summer! Perhaps...to much...  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: Um, l-let's go back.  
  
He starts driving away.  
  
Mewtwo: What am I doing?!  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: I love Warren! I need to see him!  
  
He starts going back.  
  
Mewtwo: But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But I've been replecated!  
  
He keeps going.  
  
Mewtwo: ...But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But...I have been replecated.  
  
It takes him a while to start the car, and they keep going. They eventually park   
out by Rock Tunnel. Mewtwo looks around...and gets back in.  
  
Mewtwo: They're closed.  
Lugia: I wanna see!  
Mewtwo: There's nothing to see, now. Who wants new slacks?  
Lugia: I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!  
Eneti: Yeah, we wanna see Warren!  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) All right.  
  
They go inside.  
  
Porygon: Welcome, Mewtwo. Warren is expecting you.  
  
Suddenly, Mewtwo lost some of his TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: My TMs!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No weapons.  
Lugia: (In a corner) Hey...you live here?  
Porygon: Oh, I see you brought a Pidgey.  
Eneti: Ahem!  
Proygon: And a Fire-dog. How lucky.  
Lugia: (In another corner) Where's the tub? Can I have this. (Breaks something)   
Uh, that was broken already.  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) Lugia...  
Lugia: Somebody boiling vinegar?  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
Lugia: What?  
Mewtwo: Shut your beak.  
Lugia: Before you...close it with medical suters?  
Mewtwo: No! Before I use a Super Spaceage Adhesive! Which I keep in my   
fanny-pak!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No fanny-paks.  
  
He loses his fanny-pak.  
  
Mewtwo: (Gasp) My breakfast bars!  
Porygon: Ladies and Gentlemen of the arena, I give you...Warren.  
  
Warren comes out. He's a Vileplume.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...it's been a long time.  
Warren: Yeah...  
Mewtwo: Warren, I've been replecated!  
Warren: Do I know you?  
Mewtwo: You tell me, pal.  
Warren: No, I don't know you.  
Mewtwo: Warren, you had me on your show last night, but I was at home   
WATCHING you have me on your show!  
Lugia: Nice bush.  
Warren: Oh, that's funny bird. Funny birds like talkin' like dat in mah castle,   
END UP LOOKIN' FO' DER TEETH, TWO BLOCKS AWAY on Queen Street!  
Mewtwo: Lugia, let me do this.  
Lugia: Nice...bush.  
Warren: LISTEN! I CAN BURN YOU LIKE DA CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR   
BROWN!  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
Lugia: Nice......bush!  
  
Warrne zaps Lugia.  
  
Warren: We're both pale, aren't we, Lugia...BUT I GOT RAYS! DON'T I?! DON'T   
I?! DON'T I?!  
Eneti: You better answer him.  
Warren: DON'T I, LUGIA?!  
Lugia: Eh, go fertilize yourself!  
  
He gets zapped some more.  
  
Mewtwo: (While Lugia gets zapped) Warren, I've come many miles. I present   
myself to find out why you betrayed our sacred covedent.  
Warren: Do what now?  
Mewtwo: Who was that you had on your show?! Because that wasn't me.  
Warren: Oh, yeah. Heh heh, that's just Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary, huh?  
Warren: Yeah!  
Mewtwo: GARY!  
Warren: Yeah, heh heh.  
Mewtwo: Gaaaaaaaary.  
Warren: (Sigh) Yup.  
Mewtwo: Are you trying to shuck me?  
Warren: Listen to mah! Over der in da corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron.   
CONJURE UP GARY and he'll appear before you! He knows the answers to   
the questions that becks you so, now I must adjorn to mah sunny spot.  
Mewtwo: Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a   
cauldron!  
  
Warren is gone.  
  
Mewtwo: WARREN, WAIT!  
Eneti: He seemed like a good enough guy.  
Lugia: Yeah, very reasonable.  
Mewtwo: Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.  
  
They stand in front of a boiling pot.  
  
Mewtwo: Gary...Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (Nothing happens) Uh, hey, you guys need   
to do it too, otherwise, it won't work.  
Lugia: Oh.  
Mewtwo: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.  
Lugia: Aaaaaaaaahhh. Gary.  
Eneti: Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary. Aaaaaaaaaahhh.  
  
Something, starts forming, then Gary appears.  
  
Mewtwo: We got him.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it! We're good!  
Gary: Ha ha ha, thank you!  
Mewtwo: It's him!  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Lugia: IT'S MEWTWO!  
Gary: It is indeed.  
Mewtwo: IT IS NOT INDEED! Do you know how I am...GARY?! Take a good look.   
Gary: .......  
Mewtwo: I'M MEWTWO!  
Gary: Pfffp! You're what!?  
Mewtwo: That's right, Gary. I'm the real Mewtwo!  
Gary: So am I.  
Mewtwo: No, see. I'm the one that saved the world from Team Rocket, NOT YOU!  
How do you get off being me?!  
Gary: Uh, at the early days, back when Mewtwo was first born, they let me play   
Mewtwo, and that was what, what a thrill.  
Mewtwo: Who's they?  
Gary: The people at 4Kids Entertainment, and the WB...(Static)...who let me   
play you.  
Mewtwo: Nobody plays me, Gary. I play me.  
Eneti: Hey, Gary! Who played me?  
Gary: Eneti, Eneti, I have picture of you in my car. I have a picture of Lugia when   
he was a...(Static)...mild hatchling.  
Lugia: Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?  
Gary: Oh, yes. It was what, wonderful days!  
Eneti: Gary, can you come home with us and...be our new dad?  
Mewtwo: Now, wait just a minute! Don't you see?! ARE YOU ALL BLIND?!   
Lugia, Eneti, this is just some demented mind trick made up by Warren!  
Gary: I still have my Psy-shield. It's the trunk of my car...(Static)...right now.  
Mewtwo: Listen up, you deluted old freak, don't make me use my TMs on you!  
Eneti: Mewtwo, you don't have your TMs.  
Mewtwo: Stay out of this, Eneti. The time has come for me to put an end to   
this cosmic-crackpot!  
Gary: This looks like real...(Static)...trouble! Hand me that feeblefetzer.  
Lugia: Here ya go, good buddy.  
Mewtwo: You're gonna hit me with that feeblefetzer, aren't you?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: So you can become me, right?  
Gary: Oh, yes.  
Mewtwo: That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you didn't expect   
to see! This set of oxcillery TMs which I had hidden in my Space Capity!   
PREPARE FOR ONE OF MY HARMFUL PSYBLASTS!  
  
He starts putting them on.  
  
Mewtwo: Hold on a second.  
  
He tinkers with them, but they go on the fritz. He puts on the TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: You're gonna regret having messed with me.  
  
He tries to attack, but they TMs shut off.  
  
Mewtwo: ...turning it on. (Click, breeeeeeeeee) Prepare...for one of my...  
harmful psyblasts.  
Gary: (Human form) Hey, sock it to me!  
Mewtwo: PUCKER UP, GARY!  
  
He unleashes a Psyblast, turning the Cauldron to stone.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, haul that to the Mew Mobile!  
Warren: NO! YOU DESTROYED MAH CREATION!  
Mewtwo: Warren, you used that greasy replecant to lure me back here, didn't   
you?!  
Warren: Yeah, you know it.  
Mewtwo: But why?  
Warren: Well...hahahahaha! (STING MUSIC) Never mind why. The past is   
already the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll   
cradle you.  
  
Eneti steps forward.  
  
Warren: Not you. (To Mewtwo) YOU!  
Mewtwo: I-I don't understand, Warren.  
Warren: Often, we fear more than we tend, Mewtwo. Come closer to me.  
  
He gets closer.  
  
Warren: Closer!  
Mewtwo: (I must be out my nut! What am I doing? And why is Warren smelling   
me?!)  
Warren: How ya folks and all dem?  
Mewtwo: Well, there...kinda, uh...  
Warren: Why don't you take your fold off. HA!  
Mewtwo: No...please!  
Warren: Listen to me...love and fear are often...the same thing.  
Mewto: Yeah, well...thank you.  
Warren: Don't fight me, just...hold me!  
  
He holds him.  
  
Warren: Mmmm, prime rib!  
Mewtwo: Hey, wait a minute!  
Warren on TV: Greetings, citizens!  
Mewtwo: Hey, what the?!  
Warren on TV: I'm Warren. IS EVERYBODY GETTIN' ENOUGH CARBON   
DIOXIDE?!  
  
STING MUSIC plays.  
  
Mewtwo: AHA! You used the replecant so you could steal my show! But, you've   
already got a show! WHY, WARREN, WHY?!  
Warren: Well, you know, I...ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA! I just felt like it.  
Mewtwo: Well, you greedy manipulative Oddish, I'm not gonna let your   
Warren impostinater steal my show behind the back of me!  
Warren: But, Mewtwo, how do you know I'M not the impostinater?  
Mewtwo: Well...you've lost me there, Warren. And now, you must pay, you  
ungreatful hedge!  
  
He launches a psybeam at Warren killing him.  
  
Porygon: You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'. You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'.  
Mewtwo: TELL 'EM THIS!  
  
He blows up the Porygon too!  
  
Mewtwo: WHEN YA SEE 'EM IN POLAND!  
  
THE END...  
  
Mewtwo: That was good...what else is on?  
  
EPISODE 62 WARREN  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Warren: Ha! 


	6. Cahill

Cahill  
  
Waiting  
  
  
Mewtwo, Lugia, and Eneti are in the commissary.  
  
Mewtwo: (Puts his head down momentarily) Storm's a-comin'.  
  
Eneti: (sighs) Mmm, time to go to the commissary. Got to eat me some Jell-O. I like green! (laughs)  
  
(Cue opening theme song and titles)  
  
Mewtwo: (during theme) I got a monkey.  
  
(Theme and titles continue...)  
  
Mewtwo: (Tries teleporting in, but gets electrocuted) Aaah! (ZAP! ZAP!) Ah! Aaaay!!!  
  
Eneti's screen flashes distorted scenes with Mewtwo on it.  
  
Eneti: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Pain...pain...  
  
Lugia: (In high voice, to Eneti) Are you doin' that?  
  
Mewtwo: Pain hurts!  
  
Eneti: Um...no. (laughs with Lugia)  
  
Mewtwo: IT BURNS! Look! ???  
  
More distorted flashes occur.  
  
Mewtwo: (Zap!) Aaahh! (High voice) Ba-ba-loo!  
  
Lugia: (Zaps to negative image)  
  
Mewtwo: (groans and sniffs) Someone fryin' bacon?  
  
Eneti: Um...no.  
  
Mewtwo: Who said that?  
  
Lugia: AAAAHHH!!!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaaah!  
  
Lugia: (Cough) Ehhh, whose donuts are these?  
  
Eneti: (Paging throuhg book) It seems that the static electricity from the oncoming storm is triggering a...microinductor...dylfilabro...  
  
Mewtwo: What's this now?  
  
Eneti: Dyloptiloid.  
  
Mewtwo: What is it?  
  
Eneti: Microinductor Dyloptiloid.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.  
  
Eneti: Not a word I use every day.  
  
Mewtwo: So, what is that? Like, lightning?  
  
Eneti: Uh huh.  
  
Mewtwo: Man, I hate lightning.  
  
Lugia: You mean you're scared of it.  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Lugia: Fraidy Cat!  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong!  
  
Lugia: Scaredy Puss!  
  
Mewtwo: WRONG!  
  
Lugia: (Evil laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: Stop lying, Lugia! We're all so very sick of your lies!  
  
Lugia: (continues to laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, get me a meteorologist now!  
  
Eneti: It's just a little space storm!  
  
Mewtwo: DO IT! Lugia, play me to the desk.  
  
Lugia: (plays Mewtwo to the desk with ragtime piano, and continues to play in the background, Mewtwo walks to his desk) Mewtwo?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes?  
  
Lugia: Did you just walk to the desk?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, yes I did.  
  
Lugia: What's the matter, you scared?  
  
Mewtwo: (scribbling) I don't talk to big fat lairs whose lies we're all so-(thunder crash,Mewtwo makes gibberish noises)  
  
Lugia: Riiight.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti!  
  
Mark McEwen: Ah. The answer, O tall dark handsome stranger...  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti!  
  
Mark McEwen: ...what time?  
  
Eneti: (to Mark) Hang on, big boy. (throws lever, puts Mewtwo on his monitor) What!?  
  
Mewtwo: Where's my first guest?  
  
Eneti: Thought you wanted a meteorologist.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...guest first, then meteorologist.  
  
Eneti: You sure?  
  
Mewtwo: Yup.  
  
Eneti: Ok.  
  
Mewtwo: Hurry!  
  
Eneti: Ehhh... (throws lever, Garrett appears on his monitor)  
  
Garrett Morris: I got some questions I wanna ask this sucker.  
  
Eneti: Alright, let me get a level from you.  
  
Garrett morris: Sound check, yeah. (sings) "Sound check!"  
  
Eneti: Alright.  
  
Garrett Morris: (sings again, louder) "Sound check! Sound check!!"  
  
Eneti: Alright, I got it!  
  
Garrett Morris: (sings quietly) "Sound check." (scats breifly)  
  
Eneti: Garrett!  
  
Garrett Morris: Huh?  
  
Eneti: Now, if you have any problems, like if you're not getting enough oxygen...  
  
Garrett Morris: I need some cash.  
  
Eneti: What?  
  
Garrett Morris: Y'see, I thought you were real, but you said if I had any problems, so you know what I mean, I just came with the problem, I need some cash.  
  
Eneti: Uh...no Inglés. (throws lever)  
  
Garrett Morris: Ok, bro.  
  
Mewtwo: Ladies and gentlemen...(thunder crash) Aaaah! (hides under his desk)  
  
Garrett Morris: Don't disappear! Don't disappear! Where you going?  
  
Eneti: (to Mark McEwen) Hey.  
  
Lugia finally stops playing ragtime piano. Mewtwo slowly emerges from under his desk.  
  
Mewtwo: Dropped my pen. Heh.  
  
Lugia: Riiiight.  
  
Garrett Morris: Vamanos ale titi.  
  
Mewtwo: What was that?  
  
Garrett Morris: That's Creole for "let's go", you know.  
  
Mewtwo: Wow.  
  
Garrett Morris: Yeah, it means "little one, let's go."  
  
Mewtwo: May I say it?  
  
Garrett Morris: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, here we go.  
  
Garrett Morris: Vamanos ale titi.  
  
Mewtwo: Vamanos ale titi! (thunder crash) Aaaay! (Hides under desk again)  
  
Garrett Morris: (Laughs)  
  
Lugia: (Laughs) What's the matter? You scared?  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not afraid of lightning.  
  
Lugia: (Evil laughter)  
  
Mewtwo: (Talking to Garrett under his desk) Well, look what we have here! Greetings, citizen, welcome to the big show.  
  
Garrett Morris: Greetings, uh, citizen, uh, I'm glad to be on the show.  
  
Mewtwo: Identify yourself.  
  
Garrett Morris: Uh, I am, uh, Garrett, uh, Morris, uh, 101.  
  
Mewtwo: I am Phantasmo.  
  
Mark McEwen: And stop blaimn' me. When there's bad news, they don't blame Dan Rather, do they?  
  
Eneti: No, not really.  
  
Mark McEwen: But when it's bad weather, they blame me.  
  
Eneti: I would never blame you.  
  
Mark McEwen: (Elvis voice) Thank you very much, big guy.  
  
Eneti: I'm totally serious.  
  
Garrett Morris: Do they, like, believe in cash out there in the universe?  
  
Mewtwo: What's this now?  
  
Garrett Morris: Money money money money money.  
  
Mewtwo: I don't have any money.  
  
Garrett Morris: (Sings) Money!  
  
Mewtwo: (Sings) I DON'T HAVE ANY!  
  
Garrett Morris: (Sings) Some people, ha ha. Got to have it.  
  
Mewtwo: I don't have any money! (Stands up)  
  
Garrett Morris: (Sings)Some people, really need it.  
  
Mewtwo: Hellooo!  
  
Garrett Morris: (Sings) Do things, do things, do things, good things with it.  
  
Mewtwo: I'm talkin' to myself.  
  
Mark McEwen: (Laughs) If I could control the weather, I would own the Mewtwo talk show, because if people, if I could control it, it would be Mark McEwen's Weather Controlling.  
  
Eneti: (Laughs) There you go!  
  
Mark McEwen: And, I'd live in Hawaii, I'd be a lot fatter, and I'd have a hula hoop, one of those skirt things on, I'd be topless, sittin' around, just kinda drinkin', y'know, ice teas and eatin', like, chocolate chip cookies. Rich.  
  
Eneti: I like the way you jiggle, wheater man.  
  
Mark McEwen: (Laughs)  
  
Eneti: (Laughs) Yeah!  
  
Garrett Morris: Hey, man, I be listenin' to jazz all the time. That was Ebonics, I just said, "I be."  
  
Mewtwo: Right. (thunder crash) (goes under his desk)  
  
Lugia: Hey, that ain't the Queen's English!  
  
Garrett Morris: I know that. "I am listening to to jazz all the time."  
  
Lugia: Now you're talkin'.  
  
Garrett Morris: Well, see, I knew he had broken the code, so I said "I be listenin'", so he understand what I'm sayin'. Some other guy might say "What's he saying, what, huh?"  
  
Mewtwo: (Back in his seat) Is there anything more funny than somebody just drastically white trying to speak colloquial hood?  
  
Garrett Morris: I'm, you're the first person I've heard admit that, I've been wantin' to say that, but I say, they'd probably say I'm...(knocks microphone off, feedback)   
  
Mewtwo: I didn't do that.  
  
Eneti: (To Mark) So, what's your forecast? Any black holes?  
  
Mark McEwen: Uh, aren't black holes those things you'd wanna stay away from?  
  
Eneti: Yeah, if your yella! (Laughs)  
  
Mark McEwen: So, I mean, you'd predict them, then, like you'd run away from 'em...  
  
Eneti: Um...  
  
Mark McEwen: ...because they'd suck your, the rocket right into the black hole thing. See, I've done a little bit of research on this.  
  
Eneti: Uh...  
  
Mark McEwen: If you have a black hole, and you got a rocket ship, it just kindagoes in, and then you never see 'em again, so you run away from those things.  
  
Eneti: That makes sense...if you're yella! (Laughs)  
  
Mark McEwen: We tend not to make fun of stuff like that.  
  
Eneti: Oh. Ok. (Long pause)  
  
Garrett Morris: Hey, you about the ??, you know about that ngupa dust?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh.  
  
Garrett Morris: You know about that?  
  
Mewtwo: Oh...you bet.  
  
Garrett Morris: You don't know about that, huh, man? You notice I'm talkin', now I know the language, I'm takin' me over, y'see, the metaphysical is takin' me over.  
  
Mewtwo: Faster.  
  
Garrett Morris: But, anyway, I don't wanna say, 'voodoo' or 'voodoun' or nothin' like that, because I know the when people see this thing (points to his ring) you always think (Very Low Voice) 'Voodoo, voodoun'. (Women screams)  
  
Thunder claps, and the sky turns dark. Mewtwo starts crawling under his desk.  
  
Garrett Morris: You know, I talk about afraican medicine. Yes, that's where me powers lie. Many many people have, have denied that and found growths, comin' outta their necks.  
  
Mewtwo: (Under his desk again) Yeah, thanks to you, buddy.  
  
Garrett Morris: Well, I just refer back metaphysically to Marie Laveau. You remember the great queen Marie Laveau? Marie Laveau, she was the first, you know...  
  
Mewtwo: Am I supposed to be hearing like telephones dialing or something?  
  
Garrett Morris: Way back, yeah, there's a story about Marie Laveau, you know, she was so powerful 'til this man, one time, was involved in a case against the???  
  
Lugia: Where's Lugia? Here's Lugia. Where's Lugia? Here's Lugia! Where's Lugia? Here's Lugia! Here, I'm gone! I'm here, I'm gone! I'm here, I'm gone!  
  
Garrett Morris: (As Lugia pops up and down) In court, and Marie didn't like that, she goes in with a little piece of paper, you know, and the man is arguing, and she sticks the piece of paper, and it touches him, and the man stops ??? And lost the case. (Lugia's pod is empty) You think I'm lying?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh, Garrett, can I stop for a sec?  
  
Garrett Morris: Oh, ok, ok.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia? (Pod is still empty) Luuuuuuuuugia! (It's still empty.) Garrett, did you happen to see where Lugia went?  
  
Garrett Morris: Um, him and the puppy person?  
  
Mewtwo: White guy, with a tail. He was just there.  
  
Garrett Morris: He's white?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, remember? Tall guy, bald...  
  
Garrett Morris: ???  
  
Lugia: (FROM WITHIN THE POD) No pants...  
  
Garrett Morris: Oh, yeah, Lugia, yeah, diving bird type guy.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah.  
  
Garrett Morris: Yeah, y'know, that makes me feel sick. Ick! Creepy crawly, you know, ugh!  
  
Lugia: (Pokes head up) You get a fat rump!  
  
Garrett Morris: ...ok...  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
  
Lugia: (Drops back in) Rumpty!  
  
Mewtwo: LUGIA WINTWORTH, YOU SHOW YOURSELF THIS INSTANT!  
  
Lugia: Hey, my bobo paddle!  
  
Mewtwo: All right, little man, I'm counting to three! ONE!  
  
He doesn't get up.  
  
Mewtwo: TWO!  
  
He still doesn't get up.  
  
Mewtwo: THREE! (Loud thunderclap) Four?! (Quickly ducks down)  
  
Garrett Morris: Oh, my God, he's gone! (Thunderclap) Shucks!  
  
Eneti: You're not a real meteorologist, are ya?  
  
Mark McEwen: (Stares back)  
  
Eneti: Well, are ya?  
  
Mark McEwen: (Stares back)  
  
Eneti: You're freakin' me out here, Mark, 'kay?  
  
Mark McEwen: (Stares back)  
  
Eneti: This is uncool. Most uncool.  
  
Mewtwo: (Under his desk again!) Eighteen...nineteen...  
  
Lugia still hasn't come up.  
  
Mewtwo: Twenty!  
  
He still doesn't come up!  
  
Garrett Morris: Well, I still wanna say somethin'.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah?  
  
Garrett Morris: I think it's shameful, that you supposed to be a rare pokémon...  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Garrett Morris: Supposedly concerned about trainers out to get you...  
  
Mewtwo: (Comes up from underneath his desk) What are you getting at?  
  
Garrett Morris: And beileve me, there's trainers out there on the streets.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, big surprise!  
  
Garrett Morris: And here we have a rare pokémon, who can beat these trainers who decides to come in and becomes a talk show host.  
  
Mewtwo: Exactly.  
  
Garrett Morris: But what about the fear of getting caught out there, Two?  
  
Mewtwo: You, sir, are thinking of Mew. She's harder to catch than me.  
  
Garrett Morris: I'm thinkin' of responsiblity.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, man.  
  
Garrett Morris: A sense of responsibility.  
  
Mewtwo: Whatever.  
  
Garrett Morris: Of using your psychic powers to escape the dangers of society.  
  
Mewtwo: Garrett...I...don't...get you.  
  
Garrett Morris: I don't understand what I'm sayin' either. (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Let's just call it a day, shall we? I can finish my show...  
  
Garrett Morris: (Starts humming)  
  
Mewtwo: And you can just...go...somplace...(Gets hit with Lugia's elemental blast) AAAGH!!!  
  
Lugia: I'm back!  
  
(More lightning in the background, Mewtwo and Lugia attack each other in slow motion. Lugia zaps Mewtwo)  
  
Mewtwo: (Thunderclap) Luuuugggggiiiiia! (Prepares his psy)  
  
Lugia: AAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Attacks again)  
  
Mewtwo: (Psyblasts Lugia)  
  
Garrett Morris: I guess I don't understand something about this sort of thing.  
  
(They continue to zap each other, until...)  
  
Garrett Morris: (Gets zapped by Lugia, laughs, and gets blasted away)  
  
Mewtwo: LUGIA!  
  
Lugia: Well, you said someone was gonna get hurt!  
  
Mewtwo: I never said that!  
  
Lugia: Oh. Where did I hear that? Musta read it.  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo! Lugia!  
  
Mewtwo and Lugia: What?  
  
Eneti: All this bedlam around us, it's not a storm at all! It's a fair!  
  
Mewtwo: ALL RIGHT! (Pounds desk)  
  
EPISODE 61 CAHILL  
  
(Credits roll with carnival music...which then gets interuptted by thunder.)  
  
Mewtwo: Is this the one where they've added the weather man to? Yeah, that'll be funnier. 


	7. Lawsuit

Lawsuit  
  
  
Waiting  
  
  
(Opening titles with 'Mork and Mindy' like theme song)  
  
MEWTWO: COAST TO COAST  
  
(Mewtwo still) STARRING MEWTWO  
  
(Lugia still) LUGIA  
  
(Eneti still) ENETI  
  
(Mewtwo fires a psyblast at Lugia and he explodes)  
  
WITH  
  
(Ash and Misty still) ASH, MISTY  
  
(Pikachu still) and PIKACHU  
  
(Greta Van Sustern still) with Special Guest GRETA VAN SUSTERN  
  
(Giovanni still) and GIOVANNI: ATTORNEY AT LAW  
  
(Mewtwo, Lugia, and Eneti still as they sit at a table)   
  
CREATED BY THE LIGUINI SISTERS  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings. I'm Mewtwo. Welcome to the show.  
  
(Mewtwo vanishes as Lugia and his band play a family show opening song for 5   
seconds)  
  
Mewtwo: (Appears at desk) On my show tonight, we-wait a minute, what's this? (Picks up a notice) Kowalski Elanore Fredrick: this is to inform you that you are the winner of one super deluxed, king sized...lawsuit. (Puts paper down) LAWSUIT?! (Spits on camera, audience laughs) But who would wanna sue lovable me?  
  
(Giovannni appears on his monitor laughing evil like)  
  
Mewtwo: JACK LORE! It's Giovanni! My arch-enemy!  
  
Giovanni: That's Giovanni: Attorney at law, Mr. Fatboy! I got my degree in Poképrison after you unjustly sent me up the river.  
  
Mewtwo: "Unjustly"? You vibroshocked three cities out of existence! You stole busy lifting drapes! AND THEN YOU TRIED TO STEAL MY BRAIN!!!  
  
Lugia: Petty Larsoney.  
  
Mewtwo: Do you mind, Lugia? I'm getting sued here.  
  
Lugia: I don't mind. Go ahead and get sued. See if I care.  
  
Giovanni: Hey, this is serious, Fredrick! My clients are prepared to sue the uditar of you!  
  
Mewtwo: Clients my assests. This is obviously one of your stupid super villian plots.  
  
Giovanni: Oh, yeah, weisenheimer? I got your clients right here!  
  
(Ash and Misty appear on Mewtwo's monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: (long pause) Roll Caskett and Megaman Trigger?  
  
Ash: You jerk, Kowalski! It's us, Ash and Misty!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh. You two. Eh, figures.  
  
Misty: We told you if you didn't return our calls, you'd hear from our lawyer. And our lawyer is Giovanni.  
  
Giovanni: (singing) Attorney at law!  
  
Ash: You owe us, Kowalski. We ain't seen a dime from those movies.  
  
Mewtwo: You signed the contracts, nobody forced you. Much.  
  
Misty: We were just kids, Kowalski. What were you thinking having us join you to fight Team Rocket? Exposing us to inerstellar psychic, psybeams, and un-earthly powers which stunted our growth!  
  
Ash: Not to mention when you turned me to stone! Look at us, we're still teenagers!I'm stuck in a perpeptuial pre-pube escence, and it's all your fault!  
  
Misty: So, we're suing you for bank wages, and damages stunning from emotional distress, mental cruelty, and...for preventing us from recieving the schooling which might've provided us with better futures!  
  
Eneti: (cries)  
  
(Misty starts crying as well. Ash comforts her)  
  
Lugia: Oh, those poor kids!  
  
Ashi: (Sniffle) I-I'm sorry, Giovanni.  
  
Misty: Attorney at law.  
  
Giovanni: It's alright, son, now wipe your nose. You're on television.  
  
Ash: I'LL WIPE MEWTWO'S! PIDGEOT, I CHOOSE-  
  
Giovanni: Gentlemen, please! You can fight like itsy-bitsy babies later. Right now, we have adult name calling and mud slinging to attend to.  
  
Mewtwo: Ahem, should I start?  
  
Giovanni: Oh, by all means.  
  
(Mewtwo takes a deep breath. A sound of a gun firing is heard)  
  
Mewtwo: Shyster!  
  
Giovanni: Poltroon!  
  
Mewtwo: Ambulence Chaser!  
  
Giovanni: No Talon Game Freak of Nature!  
  
Ash: Big Meanie!  
  
Lugia: Knish-Eater!  
  
Eneti: Uh, Bubbly-Peck.  
  
Pikachu: PIKA PIKA!  
  
Mewtwo: Why does that mouse have to be here anyway?  
  
Giovanni: Oh, I forgot to tell ya, the mouse is suing you to. Cruelty to Animals or something.  
  
Mewtwo: Stupid rat! Smelly eater of filth! (Psyblasts Pikachu blowing him up)  
  
Misty: HOW COULD YOU, MEWTWO?! (cries)  
  
Ash: You creep! Pikachu's not dirty! I take him in the shower myself to clean him.  
  
Mewtwo: All right, that's enough! Joke's over!  
  
Giovanni: This ain't no joke, Mewtwo! I got clients besides the kids and the hair-ball lining up to sue the TMs off you. You ever hear of Cameron Diaz? Flip Orley? Sean Medlock? Team Rocket?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Giovanni: Does Cinnibar ring a bell at all?  
  
Mewtwo: I never touched Cinnibar!  
  
Lugia: Sure you did, you blew it up!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, well, maybe I did. Say that to Eve.  
  
Giovanni: Look, Fredrick, my midgetity are willing to settle this lawsuit if you'll be willing to, say, rehire them for your talk show. Is it a deal?  
  
Mewtwo: Eh! No can do, Giovanni!  
  
Lugia: Attorney at law.  
  
Mewtwo: I've already got two cute, useless sidekicks.  
  
Eneti: I'm not useless!  
  
Lugia: I'm not cute!  
  
Celebi: I'm not Rappaport!  
  
Giovanni: Well, if won't settle it, I'm forced to sue you for $32 Million dollars plus expenses, and a play toy for the gerbil.  
  
Lugia: WHOA! I want in on that lawsuit!  
  
Giovanni: Ok, sure there, Lugia. On what grounds would you like to sue, you know, Mr. Big Big Fat Body over there?  
  
Lugia: Uh, Mental Cruelty, (Cha-ching!) Physical Cruelty, (Cha-ching!) Defamation of Cartoon Character, (Cha-ching!) Uh...  
  
Mewtwo: YOU ROTTEN KIDS! This is all your fault! I OWE YOU NOTHING! Without me, you'd been on the Digimon planet following Agumon and Gatamon with brooms. And you two are no longer friends of mine. I'm telling that fat geek-a-nerd who does my webpage to offically list you two ingrates as enemies from now on!  
  
Giovanni: I've heard enough, Fredrick. I'm gonna work you over in court like Hobo's into steaks.  
  
Ash: Yeah! You ain't got a Mew's chance, Fredrick!  
  
Misty: Ah, good one, Ash!  
  
Mewtwo: (Mockingly lauhgs) Good one, Ash! (Does raspberry as Ash and Misty zap of his monitor) Oh, boy...Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle.  
  
Lugia: You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once...  
  
Mewtwo: That's nice. I'm gonna get my own big shot lawyer, and fight fire with napalm! Eneti, phone book, lawyer! EXTRAPULATE!  
  
Eneti: Napalm...ahh, to be young again! (Throws lever, phone dails 12 digits, Screen reads: DAILING 1-555-555-SUED)  
  
Operator: Your call has been connected with the next availble high priced lawyer. Please stay on the line. (the screen spins rapidly, like a Slot Machine, Game Corner music plays in the background)  
  
Mewtwo: Perry Mason, please?  
  
Eneti: Matlock! Matlock!  
  
Mewtwo: Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry Mason!  
  
Eneti: MATLOCK!  
  
Lugia: QUINCY!  
  
(Long puase)  
  
Eneti: Quincy's not a lawyer!  
  
Lugia: He's better than a lawyer! He's a coroner!  
  
Mewtwo: Ooo, mama, am I nervous! Sweatin' like a truckie! (Sniffs) (quietly) I smell   
like oil from a muskrat.  
  
(The spin stops with Greta Van Sustern, alarms go off)  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Oh, my special jacket.  
  
Mewtwo: (Whistles) How about that!  
  
Eneti: Ooooo...  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Man...  
  
Mewtwo: Hi there, Miss?  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Great Van Sustern, lawyer.  
  
Mewtwo: Mewtwo, Pokémon Dreamboat. (winks with Lugia's 'bloonk!' sound)  
  
Lugia: Hey, that's my sound effect! I'M SUING!  
  
Eneti: Me too! I don't have lines in this show!  
  
Mewtwo: You see, Greta, I'm having some legal problems...  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Like what, Mewtwo? Maybe I can help you.  
  
Mewtwo: Well it's like this. I use to have these friends, Ash and Misty...  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Mm hmm?  
  
Mewtwo: And well, they hired my old arch-enemy, Giovanni-  
  
Lugia: Attorney at law.  
  
Mewtwo: -To sue me.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Oh, dear. For what?  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, stupid stuff. They say I endanger their lives, stunted their emotional and physical development, ripped them off, you know, stupid kid stuff.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Well, how many years has this been pending, Mewtwo, and how much do you owe them?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, I don't know...$32 Million.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: That's a lot, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, well, you see, the thing is, they were young when they worked for me.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: But see, you've just now admitted that you employed them, now what are you going to do, Mewtwo? That was a trick. I asked you how you employed them or had them work for you and you admitted it.  
  
Mewtwo: Greta, be nice. Aren't you supposed to defend me?  
  
Greta Van Sustern: I'll defend you.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, where do we start?  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Cash up front, no credit cards. Just cash up front.  
  
Giovanni: I'd reconsider that, babe. I just uncovered some damaging evidence against stink boy there. Roll that film, Scully!  
  
(Eneti throws the lever, projectors sounds are heard and we see the film countdown)  
  
(Flashback to Mewtwo Returns)  
  
Misty: Please, Mewtwo! Don't make us fight Team Rocket and their band of Koffings!  
  
Ash: My Pidgeot just healed from the beating Butch and Cassidy gave us!  
  
Pkiachu: (weakly) Pi...ka...  
  
Mewtwo: You little wimps make me sick! Do you wanna go back to the orphanage?! IS THAT IT?! HUH?!  
  
Ash: (Shivering) No...  
  
Mewtwo: Well, then stop sniveling and go defeat Team Rocket. I'll...eh, catch up with you later. I'm, uh, gonna go get a cheeseburger.  
  
(They go at Team Rocket, and Weezing roars)  
  
Misty: ASH, LOOK OUT!!!  
  
(The Weezing Explodes, blowing up Pikachu, Misty, Ash, and Pidgeot)  
  
Ash & Misty: (cries loudly)  
  
Mewtwo: YOU LOSERS! No dinner for you tonight!  
  
(The film ends)  
  
Giovanni: And don't think I forgot about Cinnibar. I got that on tape too.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: You're kidding!  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, no, he, I...kinda blew up...  
  
Greta Van Sustern: What, did you blow up Cinnibar?  
  
Mewtwo: Aw, you know, they bug with their...Cinnibarness.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Well, maybe, Mewtwo, maybe you have a little problem.  
  
Mewtwo: What do you mean?  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Well, it seems like you're provoking all these lawsuits.  
  
Mewtwo: Does that mean I'm in deep Miltank dung?  
  
Greta Van sustern: Yeah, I think you are in a lot of trouble.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: And, I just think it's hopeless for you. I think it's absolutely hopeless. I don't think anything's going to help you.  
  
Mewtwo: (distressed) Come on, think of something!  
  
Greta Van Sustern: I, you know what, we may be able to work a deal out, Mewtwo, to help both of us.  
  
Mewtwo: You think so?  
  
Giovanni: I'm listening.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Well, could Giovanni come tommorow?  
  
Giovanni: Sure thing, babe! Maybe we could work something out over dinner, whaddya say?  
  
Ash: No deals! We want our money!  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, kids. Can't we all just get along?  
  
Giovanni: You know, I've been in jail.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: Really?  
  
Giovanni: For stealing pokémon.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: For stealing pokémon?  
  
Giovanni: Yes, it was Mewtwo.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: You really shouldn't steal pokémon.  
  
Giovanni: I suppose. I kept him for a while.  
  
Ash: You pay up, Kowalski! Or I'll tell everyone what you did to Tracy!  
  
Mewtwo: Prepare for my psyblast.  
  
Giovanni: Don't you address my pimplily client that way!  
  
Misty: You tell 'em, Giovanni!  
  
Mewtwo: Greta! Legal Advice, now!  
  
Greta Van Sustern: I don't know, you're Mewtwo, can't you think of something?  
  
Mewtwo: I could plead the fifth.  
  
Lugia: If you can count that high.  
  
Greta Van Sustern: I think you've got a problem, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Look, Greta. We both work for Satoshi.  
  
Giovanni: Whoa, hold on a second!  
  
(4 dramatic sting musics, and a cheesy whistle organ)  
  
Giovanni: Satoshi? You mean Satoshi Tajiri?  
  
Ash: Is there a problem, Giovanni?  
  
Everyone: ATTORNEY AT LAW.  
  
Giovanni: You bet there's a problem, you see, Satoshi Tajiri...is my step-father.  
  
(A cheesy whistle organ plays)  
  
Giovanni: Sorry, kids, but you're on your own. I'll fax you my bill. See ya later.  
  
Misty: This is all your fault, Ash! We could've listened to Jason and been Gravity Boy and Gravity Girl, but NOOOO! You had to have a Pidgeot! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!  
  
Ash: MISTY! (Voice breaking) Misty, get a grip on-(Clears throat)-on yourself!  
  
Mewtwo: What was that?!  
  
Ash: (Now with a Mewtwo-like voice) I've, I've hit puberty! Yippee! Sorry, Misty. I gotta go. I've got...things to do.  
  
Misty: (sighs) Oh, well. That's that. Guess I can always write a tell-all about my brilliant career with Mewtwo the jerk!  
  
Greta Van Sustern: It sounds like your home free again, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: And now that I've beaten the legal system to a bloody lifeless pulp, it's your turn!  
  
Lugia: Uh oh!  
  
Mewtwo: Sue me, will you?!  
  
Lugia: ENETI! HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
(Eneti throws the lever and dials 9-1-1. Mewtwo psyblasts Lugia)  
  
Operator: Please state your emergency.  
  
Eneti: Uh, yeah. I'd like to report a felony in progress.  
  
EPISODE 60 LAWSUIT  
  
(Credits roll with cheesy commerical music)  
  
Mewtwo: (In a jail-cell) Eneti, you fink!  
Eneti: (Laughs and throws lever zapping off Mewtwo...and coughs)  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES 


	8. Knifin' Around

Knifin' Around  
  
(Credits roll at the START of the show, accompained by Bjork's singing)  
  
(In the control room, Edward Kowalczyk is on Eneti's monitor)  
  
Ed K.: They were old people's sunglasses.  
  
Eneti: Really?  
  
Ed K.: Yeah, you can buy them, you can buy them in Dallas airport.  
  
Eneti: Cool.  
  
Ed K.: Yeah, and you can put them over normal sunglasses.  
  
(Mewtwo comes in holding a CD)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, could you burn me a hundred copies of this?  
  
Eneti: What is it?  
  
Mewtwo: The new LiVE CD.  
  
Ed K.: (Stares at Mewtwo from Eneti's screen)  
  
Mewtwo: That the guy from LiVE?  
  
Eneti: Yes.  
  
Ed K.: Hello.  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, how's it goin'?  
  
(Ed gives Mewtwo the thumbs up)  
  
Mewtwo: Good. Eneti, we'll talk about it later. Hey! What's that? (Walks over to a fancy Poké Center like curing device in the control room)  
  
Eneti: Oh, that's a, uh...what is that? (Loud noises off camera) Hey!  
  
Mewtwo: (Holding Eneti by the throat) Now you listen to me. I could go to jail in Russia if Ed found I was copying his CD. (glances over at Ed, who is watching them) Don't look at me! We're talking about reploids. (to Eneti) So you take Ed out there while I burn and verify (to Ed) These...reploids. (another loud noise as he releases Eneti)  
  
Eneti: You don't know how to work it.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, I have tele-kinetic powers that are able to reduce any complex machine into a yes or no answer.  
  
Eneti: Ok, but that's not the CD burner...  
  
Mewtwo: (interrupting) Eneti...yes.  
  
Eneti: (pause) Alright. (Walks off)  
  
Ed K.: Thank you very much, Mewtwo, for having me on your show.  
  
Mewtwo: Sure, sure...hey, wanna, wanna see how this works? (He presses a button, the healing device spurts sparks, then falls over, and explodes)  
  
(Ed watchs slack-jawwed like)  
  
Mewtwo: Twenty. Yes.  
  
(On the set, Eneti walks out with funky background music)  
  
Eneti: (With DJ Reed voice) Oh yeah! Welcome to the Eneti Show!  
  
Ed K.: Thank you very much, Eneti.  
  
Eneti: Thank YOU very much, Edward Kowalczyk, for sitting next to the MON! Of the century! Oh yeah!  
  
Mewtwo: (off screen) Come on! (explosion, music stops)  
  
(The machine is still burning and Mewtwo is on fire)  
  
Mewtwo: No! No!  
  
(Meanwhile, back at the set)  
  
Mewtwo: (off camera) No!  
  
Eneti: That is fascinating! (Music starts again) Edward, you are very very fascinating and very very perceptive!  
  
Ed K.: Really...  
  
Eneti: So interesting and perceptive that I think we will now fight with chainguns. (Eneti reveils a Chaingun Ripper, the music changes to the Duke Nukem 3D theme)  
  
Lugia: (off camera) YEAH! TO THE DEATH!  
  
(The machine flies across the studio and hits Lugia's pod)  
  
Mewtwo: (Comes on set) That things wasn't a CD burner to begin with! (Staring at Eneti holding the Chaingun) What are you doing?  
  
Eneti: (still with Reed's voice) I'm hosting the show!  
  
Mewtwo: With that gun?  
  
Eneti: (Normal voice) Uh...yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, really.  
  
Eneti: (clears throat, gun is gone, he resumes Reed's voice) Well hey, Ed asked me if he could see my gun, and Ed's doing a song about a knife, and he wanted to see what a possible murder weapon DOES look like, isn't that right Ed? (Reveils gun to him)  
  
Ed K.: No.  
  
Mewtwo: It sounded like a good idea. So do it.  
  
Ed K.: (Shakes his head) No. (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, I'll do it. (Low voice) I'm a kni-i-i-fe. Knifin' aro-o-ound. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut... (Walks back and forth making "cut" noises)  
  
Ed K.: Do you take those, those (motions with his hand) ...intelligence drugs?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't need intelligence drugs, Ed. Because I don't know what they are, ok, Ed?  
  
Ed K.: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me. Whether it's supposed to or not. Because...I'm different.  
  
Ed K.: (stifels laughter)  
  
Mewtwo: Is everyone clear on that?  
  
Ed K.: Very.  
  
Mewtwo: Not deranged...just different.  
  
Ed K.: No, that's because you're weird. (Laughs)  
  
Lugia: (off camera) Whatch y'all doin'?  
  
Ed K.: (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: "Y'all"?  
  
Lugia: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Where'd you learn to talk like that?  
  
Lugia: Hattiesburg.  
  
Mewtwo: What were you doing in Hattiesburg?  
  
Lugia: Kickin' it.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh really?  
  
Lugia: Yep.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, that's interesting.  
  
Lugia: It IS interesting.  
  
Mewtwo: Ed, is that interesting?  
  
Ed K.: No.  
  
Mewtwo: See, Lugia? We're NOT interested.  
  
Eneti: (from control room, with Reed's voice, and funky background music) Well, I just happen to find that it's very VERY interesting!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti...it's over.  
  
Eneti: (Makes lip buzz sound) Really?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah.  
  
Eneti: Ok, oh, and your wife's on the phone.  
  
Lugia: Your wife?!? (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: I don't have a wife.  
  
Eneti: She says she's your wife.  
  
Mewtwo: Look, tell this woman that she's crazy. Just because I'm famous, have two movies, and is very sexy doesn't mean someone can marry me the second I leave the room.  
  
Lugia: What room?  
  
Mewtwo: Look, listen everyone...(stands up) Please? Listen to me. I have a hit song about a knife...and yes, I'm married. And that's why I want you to hang up right now.  
  
(Ed is zapped off the monitor and is replaced with Mewtwo's wife, played by Duplica)  
  
Mewtwo: Thank you, Eneti. (to his wife) Hey, honey, how are you?  
  
Duplica: Do you like Carbos?  
  
Mewtwo: Are you kidding? That's my favorite food, you know that! Is that why you called me?  
  
Duplica: Can I sing my song?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, not now, honey, I, uh, I'm in the middle of a, um...giant space war.  
  
Duplica: I, I enjoy talking to you.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, you do, but like I said, this space war, what can I do? Rockets.  
  
Duplica: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: (waving) Yeah, so, you have to go now.  
  
Duplica: Ok.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok. So, I'll talk to you when there's peace. On New Island.  
  
Duplica: (Pause) Yeah, and you like Goldeen or you like Magikarp?  
  
Mewtwo: (Pounds his fist) You know what, it doesn't matter. Because I love you so much...  
  
Duplica: Yeah?  
  
Mewtwo: That it's time for you to go to sleep.  
  
Duplica: Ok.  
  
Mewtwo: Because that's what it means to love a woman so much.  
  
Duplica: Ok, do you-  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, you believe what I'm saying to you, right?  
  
Duplica: Should I sing to you, or sing to-  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti...  
  
(She's zapped off, Ed is returned)  
  
Eneti: You got married?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, okay? Everything gets married. Even animals and spiders. And just because they don't have cakes and suits and wedding parties and expensive rings, doesn't mean they're not legally, ahem...married.  
  
Eneti: (Beat)  
  
Mewtwo: C'mon! Fight me!  
  
Lugia: Doesn't seem like you love her.  
  
Mewtwo: (Stares at Lugia)  
  
Lugia: (Blinks)  
  
Mewtwo: Well, love is about compromises, Lugia.  
  
Ed K.: That's right.  
  
Mewtwo: Compromising your future to the city council of Bethesda, Maryland (beat) Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut (scissor noise in background)  
  
Ed K.: (Nods while Mewtwo "cuts") But...  
  
Mewtwo: Look, marriage is about hiding in the kudzu behind your apartment, and not going until the lights are completely out.  
  
Eneti: Your wife's on the phone again.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, tell her that I got shot and tell her that it was very sad, and the last thing I said was "Make sure my wife moves out of my condo."  
  
Eneti: She says it's an emergency.  
  
Mewtwo: Emergency? Patch her through.  
  
(Duplica replaces Ed, this time her Ditto is there)  
  
Duplica: Ditto's going to lay an egg.  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, remember the difference between the nest and the sofa?  
  
Duplica: I think so.  
  
Mewtwo: And remember how angry I got.  
  
Duplica: The smell, it's like...rotting fish.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, that's what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you've let Ditto lay it's slimy eggs on.  
  
Duplica: Yeah'm.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, oh, and as long as your there, tell that chili freak Flea he can move out.  
  
Duplica: What's his name again?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know, he's your damned friend.  
  
Duplica: And I would love to introduce you to him.  
  
Mewtwo: I've already meet him, he's living on our couch, with the slime. And tell him to stop letting his band come to party every Friday night.  
  
Duplica: It makes the little children happy.  
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Honey, those are not children, they're packets of creme cheese.  
  
Duplica: Sometimes I can't seperate between the two, do you know that?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, I...wish I'd known that when we were just dating.  
  
Duplica: You have a fold, has anyone told you?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, honey? I buried a present for you out in the yard.  
  
Duplica: Yeah'm?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, why don't you go dig it up.  
  
Ditto: Ditto!  
  
(Ed returns to the screen)  
  
Lugia: Hey, um, what'd you bury?  
  
Mewtwo: Her sister.  
  
Lugia: Cool.  
  
Mewtwo: No, Lugia. It's just a bagel, she started calling her sister.  
  
Ed K.: (motioning his mug, like in a toast) Here's to getting hitched, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: (Raises his mug) Yeah, let's drink until our hearts stop.  
  
(Ed, Mewtwo, and Lugia drink their mugs. Eneti drinks from his cup with a straw. Mewtwo drinks for a long time, leaning backward. He takes a breath, then continues drinking)  
  
Lugia: Cool...well look, Ho-oh's coming by in about 5 minutes so...I gotta skate.  
  
Mewtwo: What are y'all gonna do?  
  
Lugia: I think we're gonna smash light-blubs out by the dumpster.  
  
Mewtwo: Really? I'm going with you.  
  
Lugia: Well... (sighs) You can't. You're not my friend.  
  
Mewtwo: We have a lot of things in common. Your dad's still into those model Dodge Vipers, isn't he?  
  
Lugia: No.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...what's he big in now?  
  
Lugia: Look, when Ho-oh gets here, why don't you go fly around or, hide or something? I don't know, go to the Kitchen.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, I'm coming with you.  
  
Lugia: No you're not!  
  
Mewtwo: Then you're not going anywhere!  
  
Ed K.: You've got a, you've got a...(makes cup motions with his hands across his stomach)  
  
Mewtwo: What, Ed?  
  
Ed K.: (Makes motion again) What's that?  
  
Mewtwo: (sighs)  
  
Ed K.: (Motions again) This thing here.  
  
Mewtwo: It's a fold, Ed. It covers my...ahem, never mind.  
  
Ed K.: Well, anyway...  
  
Lugia: Ho-oh's here, see you later!  
  
Mewtwo: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU EARLIER?!  
  
Lugia: (quietly) He's here!  
  
Mewtwo: (quietly hiding under the desk) Oh, yeah, sorry!  
  
Eneti: Hey, uh, your wife's on the phone again.  
  
(Duplica comes back on)  
  
Mewtwo: Are they gone?  
  
Duplica: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: (Emerges from under the desk) What is it?  
  
Duplica: Do you get along with them?  
  
Mewtwo: Well, yeah! There my best friends! That's why I married you, so I wouldn't have them no more.  
  
Duplica: What's the bird's name again?  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
  
Duplica: I was curious about that.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, I'd love to chat, but me and my friends are going to smash light-blubs out by the dumpster, ok?  
  
Duplica: Do what now?  
  
Mewtwo: You know, with Lugia.  
  
Duplica: Well, maybe you should stay indoors.  
  
Mewtwo: Look, I need this. For me. I fell like I'm in jail here!  
  
Duplica: I seem to, um, get the picture if you know what I mean.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, I know what you mean.  
  
(Long pause insures)  
  
Mewtwo: ........What do you mean?  
  
Duplica: Um...enjoy, refreshing time...with my Ditto.  
  
Mewtwo: Refreshing time...with who?  
  
Duplica: My Ditto.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...I won't do that! You think you want your Ditto to have my child?  
  
Duplica: I guess so.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, it's not gonna happen! And don't count on us ever getting married again.  
  
(Ed replaces Duplica once again)  
  
Eneti: So, you goin'?  
  
Mewtwo: No, her Ditto would frisk me if I did.  
  
(Ed gets a piece of yarn out)  
  
Mewtwo: What's that?  
  
Ed K.: It's a worm...  
  
Mewtwo: Ah, God...  
  
Eneti: Your wife's on the phone again.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, tell HER that I'm going to back later than 8!  
  
(Duplica replaces Ed, but this time, sporting a similar look of Jessie)  
  
Mewtwo: Honey!  
  
Duplica: (Laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: You're different.  
  
Duplica: Yes, just for now.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, craziest thing just happened. Another space war, if you can beileve that, and it's...out by the...dumpster, um...  
  
Duplica: Yeah?  
  
Mewtwo: But there's someone here who would love to help you breed his pokémon with your Ditto.  
  
Eneti: Oh no!  
  
Mewtwo: (On monitor) Eneti, get out here. He wants to breed his Nidoking with it.  
  
Eneti: No, I don't.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, you do.  
  
Eneti: No, I don't!  
  
Mewtwo: (Fires psybeams around him) YES, YOU DO!  
  
Eneti: (Scared half to death) ...Yes, I do...  
  
Duplica: Well, here's Ditto. Now let me see your Nidoking.  
  
Eneti: Oh, man.  
  
Duplica: First, try to make him think erotic thoughts about Misty nude.  
  
(Meanwhile, out by the dumpster in a nearby alley)  
  
Mewtwo: Where's all the glass?  
  
Lugia: Eh, we broke it all...I feel empty...  
  
Mewtwo: Well, here's some cardboard. Let's break it down for easier storage.  
  
Lugia: That's boring!  
  
Mewtwo: No, it's not! It's responsible.  
  
Lugia: I need what you have...(quietly) I need a woman...  
  
(Mewtwo's cell phone rings)  
  
Lugia: One to sell her organs to Black Sabbath...  
  
Mewtwo: Hang on, Lugia. Hello?  
  
Lugia: DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?!  
  
Duplica: I have to say I'm a big fan of circles.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, I happen to be a big fan of Leonardo Dicaprio, and he was in The Beach, and a beach has bubbles that look like circles.  
  
Duplica: Yeah, the one I saw when I was eleven.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah! You know, honey, all this talk about Leo is making me wanna get married all over again.  
  
Duplica: Really?  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, because at Whitney's Tear-Jerking Wedding Chapel, you get 20% off each marriage.  
  
Duplica: (Long pause) And what was your name?  
  
(Later, on a cliffside...)  
  
Priest: In sickness, and in health, til' death do you part?  
  
Duplica: Yeah.  
  
Priest: And do you, Mewtwo, take this wo-  
  
(Mewtwo punches Duplica off the cliff)  
  
Mewtwo: Oh no.  
  
(Lugia punches Mewtwo off the cliff)  
  
Lugia: Oh no!  
  
Eneti: (chuckles and raises his left paw) Oh no!  
  
Lugia: Don't.  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
(X).(X) 


	9. Pilot

Pilot  
  
Disclaimer: ...  
  
1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 0  
  
7  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
(Classical music plays in the background)  
  
Suicune is sitting on a comfy chair.  
  
Suicune: Good evening. I am Suicune, potentate of thug dogs, bringing you a glimpse at an historic episode of Mewtwo: Coast to Coast. Not many people know that in the early stages of this programme, there was a contract dispute in which the outcome was the last-minute hiring of sub-standard Robot Master, Gravity Man. I will be showing many clips and outtakes from this fiasco tonight. I present to you know, the r-r-remains of Gravity Man: Coast to Coast. Enjoy!  
  
(Flim count down with projector sounds. Opening Gravity Man: Coast to Coast theme & titles)  
  
Grav Man! Fun as in transmission.  
Grav Man, in the middle of the night.  
When your there for Grav Man,  
diggin' uncle Grav Man!  
  
GRAVITY MAN: COAST TO COAST  
  
Gravity Man: What if I have to go the bathroom during the interveiw?  
  
Joey: Relax, Jason. You'll be fine. Hey, stop worryin'. Now, I'd like you to meet the show's director, Eneti.  
  
Gravity Man: Hey, Eneti! Good to have you aboard!  
  
Eneti: Yeah, well it's this or back to solitary.  
  
Joey: Jason, this is Suicune, he'll be your band leader.  
  
Suicune: I prefer musical ar-r-r-ranger if you don't mind? Any upright Legendary Dog with an appendage or two can "tickle the ivories". (Plays a classical piano excerpt) Anywho, it's a delight to meet you, Gravity Man, charmed, I'm sure.  
  
Gravity Man: What's with this guy, is he gonna do this on the show?  
  
Eneti: Uh, I gotta question.  
  
Joey: Yeah, babe, shoot.  
  
Eneti: Um, just exactly, um...what do I do?  
  
Joey: I told you, just push the lever up and down, ok?  
  
Eneti: Up, down. (Pushes lever up and down, control room monitor shows off-screen shot of Gravity Man's Metool.) Up, down. (Pushes lever up and down, control room monitor shows Suicune in keyboard pod.) Down... (Pushes lever) Wait a minute!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
(The room is empty, Gravity Man crashes through the ceiling, feet dangling)  
  
Gravity Man: Uh, a little help up here.  
  
(Beep!)  
  
(Gravity Man flies down from above, lands on stage, and does his fighting pose)   
  
Gravity Man: (Speaking Nervously) Um, good evening, um, welcome to the show, I'm, er, your host, uh... (Echo effect) GRAVITY MAAAAAAAAAN! (Camera lens cracks, woman screams) Do I have to pay for that?  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: Good evening everyone, um, I'm your show, Gravity Man...hey, I'm sorry, sorry.  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my arms...oh, thrusters, you wanted thrusters there? I mean, thrusters!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: Ok, ok, ok, ok...eh, we do it again?  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: Uh, well...hey, have you heard about this grunge rock music the kids are into? It's uh, pretty weird...  
  
Suicune: Yippity, yappity, yappity! What are you going on about, junk robot?  
  
Gravity Man: Um, I'm trying to do my opening monologue.  
  
Suicune: Opening monologue? It sounded more like your were delivering a eulogy! (Laughs)  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Metool: (Hops up)  
  
Gravity Man: (Whispers) Should I start now?  
  
Joey: Yeah.  
  
Gravity Man: Uh, howdy, folks! Let's say hello to our director, uh...  
  
Eneti: Eneti!  
  
Gravity Man: My faithful friend and side kick, Metool.  
  
Metool: (Bows and ducks down)  
  
Gravity Man: And our band leader...  
  
Suicune: Musical Dir-r-r-rector, Suicune! Observe. (Plays something classical on keyboard)  
  
Gravity Man: (Sighs)  
  
Voice: You're pathetic, Suicune.  
  
Gravity Man: What was that?  
  
Joey: Well, that's Lugia...  
  
Lugia: Hello.  
  
Joey: He's our backup bird, you know, in case something happens to Liberace here?  
  
Suicune: I wish my br-r-r-other George was here!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: Oh, I'm stupid!  
  
Joey: Yeah, just pick up where you left off, Jason, it'll work, just fine.  
  
Gravity Man: Um, tonight's guest are, um...who are the guests, anyway?  
  
Eneti: Ice and Tower, American Gladiators.  
  
Gravity Man: Is that it? Oh, well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests...Tower and Ice.  
  
Monitor lowers with Tower and Ice, followed by dead silence.  
  
Joey: Jason?  
  
Suicune: Well, what are you waiting for, tin can? Say something.  
  
Gravity Man: I will, just gimme a second. (Pause) What should I say?  
  
Joey: Anything you like, just, uh, just wing it, ok, Jason?  
  
Gravity Man: (Pause) OHHHHH, THE PRESSURE!!!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: Um, welcome, Ice and Tower, it's, it's great to have you here.  
  
Ice: (Laughs)  
  
Gravity Man: Ummmm...  
  
Tower: How are you doin'? I mean, are you...  
  
Gravity Man: Well, not so great, actually. I got my whole entire life riding on this job, and if doesn't work out it probably means the end of my marriage and my career.  
  
Suicune: Oh, my, Gape at me, I'm the pitiful tragic Gravity Man! I flit about in total depression! Oh, poor pitiful me! My world is an irventine pile!  
  
Gravity Man: Ok, that's enough! I can't work with this dog. He's getting on my nerves, and I don't understand a thing he says anyways.  
  
Joey: Jason, Jason, calm down. Just do the show, ok?  
  
Gravity Man: Yeah, ok.  
  
Suicune: My hatred for you...is delicious!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Metool: (Jumps up and down, in background)  
  
Gravity Man: So, what's your position, uh, on this grunge music?  
  
Tower: I'd have to say my favorite event is the joust, um, it's a great feeling...  
  
Suicune: I say, can't you do anything to squelch the cacophonous hopping of your midget wind-up toy?  
  
Gravity Man: Speak english, sissy!  
  
Suicune: Might I suggst that the beast may provide more entertainment value IF I PULL IT'S STUPID HEAD OFF!!!  
  
Gravity Man: That's it! GRAVITY HOLD, COMMENCE!  
  
(He unleashes a ball of energy slamming Suicune on the ceiling over and over again)  
  
(Film trailer, end of movie reel noise)  
  
Suicune: (Palm-face) I'm sorry...but seeing that again...OH, PLEASE! OH, PLEASE, GO AWAY!  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
START TRANSMISSION  
  
Suicune: And now, the conclusion of Gravity Man: Coast to Coast, and mother, stop the VCR, your sonny boy's not in this part.  
  
(Film count down, with projector noises)  
  
Lugia: (In keyboard pod, plays "Chopsticks") (To Eneti) Suicune's in the Hospital. (Evil Laugh)  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Gravity Man: So, what's it's like being a Gladiator?  
  
Ice: It's, uh, it's a lifestyle that's a lot of fun, being a Gladiator and superhero among kids.  
  
Gravity Man: You actually consider yourselves superheroes?  
  
Tower: Yeah.  
  
Gravity Man: Ha! You fight mere mortals, superheroes fight villians, evil villians!  
  
Ice: Actually, I do think we fight villians, don't we? Some of our contestants?  
  
Tower: Well, we got some people, yeah, they're pretty doggone evil, I'll tell you that.  
  
Gravity Man: Yeah, right! Look out for Ted, the volunteer fireman. Woooo!  
  
Tower: Are you challenging us?  
  
Lugia: Sounds like a challenge to me.  
  
Gravity Man: Listen, Lugia! Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  
  
Lugia: I don't like you now!  
  
Tower & Ice: (Laugh)  
  
Eneti: (Laugh)  
  
Gravity Man: Can't I get any respect around here? On my own show?  
  
Tower & Ice: No, probably not.  
  
Eneti: No!  
  
Gravity Man: I demand respect, I'm Gravity Man! (Echo effect) GRAVITY MAAAAAN!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Gravity Man: Ooooh, I hate you! I hate you all! (Flies off)  
  
Tower: Now, if he was a Gladiator, what would we call him, like, Cry-baby or something?  
  
Eneti: CRY-BABY?! (Laughs)  
  
Lugia: (Laughs) Oh, that's rich!  
  
Gravity Man: (Flies back, angry) I heard that!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Joey: Jason! Jason, pull yourself together! It's gettin' late here, man.  
  
Gravity Man: Ok, ok, get off my back! (Holy ra! Sun's goin' down. Must finish interview before my secret is reveiled.)  
  
Joey: Jason, while we're young alright?  
  
Gravity Man: Um, ok. Y'know, my wife always wants me to do things around the house, like move stuff, y'know, open the pickle jar.  
  
Tower: The pickle jar? (Laughs)  
  
Ice: The pickle jar.  
  
Gravity Man: Do you have that problem?  
  
Ice: You know, this is what I tell people, a lot of people want me to open jars, help them move. These muscles are for show. (Laughs)  
  
Gravity Man: (Dozes off for a second)  
  
Tower: Later, not! (Laughs)  
  
Ice: These things really don't work! (Laughs)  
  
Gravity Man: Actually, my wife is thinking of leaving me.  
  
Tower & Ice: (Laugh)  
  
Gravity Man: I'm serious.  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Ice: Imagine about twenty tousand people watching you...  
  
Gravity Man: (Nodding off as she speaks)  
  
Ice: And it's very dark on the floor, and you can't see anything in front of you, and I tripped on a mat! (Laughs)  
  
Gravity Man: (Asleep at the desk)  
  
Eneti: Gravity Man!  
  
Gravity Man: (Wakes up) Uh, here, here!  
  
Joey: Jason...are you all right?  
  
Gravity Man: Uh, wha? Oh, um, sorry, uh, low blood sugar.  
  
Joey: Hey, can, can we get a peon to bring bring this loser some coffee?  
  
Eneti: Cry-baby!  
  
(Beep!)  
  
Joey: What do you mean you can't do this show at night?!  
  
Gravity Man: (Struggling to stay awake) When...stars...rays...hit me...Gravity Man......loses...energy.  
  
Joey: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME! DR. WILY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS!  
  
Gravity Man: Wait...till...morning...Gravity Man...be...fine. (Drops head on desk, falls asleep)  
  
Lugia: Well, thanks for comin' guys. Say, goodnight, Gravity Man.  
  
Gravity Man: (Mumbles in hs sleep) Uh, goodnight, Gravity...Man...  
  
Ice: Thank you.  
  
Gravity Man: Goodnight...  
  
Tower: Cry-baby. (Laughs)  
  
Eneti: I guess it's past his bedtime.  
  
Lugia: Let's cook him! I bet he taste like chicken! (evil laugh)  
  
Gravity Man: (Talking in his sleep) I'll be good...  
  
Joey: JASON!  
  
Gravity Man: (Wakes up) Uh, oh, uh, are we done?  
  
Joey: No, Jason, but you are.  
  
Gravity Man: What?  
  
Joey: Gravity Man, YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Eneti: (Laughs)  
  
Lugia: (Laughs) Yeah!  
  
Gravity Man: Look, you can't do this to me. I need this job! I'll do anything! I'll get a sunlamp, you don't understand, you can't fire me, I'm the Gravity Man!  
  
Lugia: The Gravity Man?  
  
Gravity Man: The Gravity Man is all right, he's ok! Don't you know who you're dealing with here?! The Gravity Man, THE GRAVITY MAN! GRAVITY Maaan!(Collapses on his desk, sobs, then falls asleep again)  
  
Eneti: So, I guess we're cancelled, right?  
  
Lugia: Should be.  
  
Joey: Hey, good news, everyone! I just got off the phone with Mewtwo's agent, and everything's copacetic. Tommorow, we start shooting "Mewtwo: Coast to Coast". How about that, gang?  
  
Eneti and Lugia: (Screams)  
  
(Film trailer, end of movie reel noises)  
  
Suicune: And so, Gravity Man's tears flowed on and on. A little Magnemite toldme he's now selling tent campers in Indiana. Tis true! I hear that if you say that Metool sent you, the propane tanks are free! Good night, all! Kiss kiss!  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Gravity Man: (very tired voice) Graaaaaavity...Maaaaaaaaan...   
  
EPISODE 39 PILOT  
  
(Head hits the desk) 


	10. Joshua

JOSHUA  
  
  
1 2 [3] 4 5 6 7 8 9 0  
  
3  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
The video you are about to watch  
is for internal use only.  
  
It is NOT for public broadcast.   
  
[VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES]  
  
(Cue action scenes from Pokémon: The First Movie and Mewtwo Returns)  
  
Annoucer: He's brash. He's bold. And, he takes no prisoners, except for Eneti and Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Hey, how ya doin'?  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
ROCKETING  
INTO THE FUTURE!  
  
Mewtwo: (Preparing a psyblast) This blast has your name on it, but only if your name is destructo. Peter Destructo.  
  
Annoucer: His name?  
  
Mewtwo: Mewtwo!  
  
Annoucer: That's right, he's Mewtwo, and he's your new world-wide marketing tool 3000. When it comes to your product or business, he's your space age pack horse.  
  
Mewtwo: (at his desk) Saddle me up and ride me into the future.  
  
Annoucer: Hi, Joseph Wilton, get ready for the adventure of a lifetime. Mewtwo 3000, rocketing into the future!  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
ROCKETING  
INTO THE FUTURE!  
  
Annoucer: Welcome to Vicious Planet Industries, gateway to humor for literally hundreds of viewers. It all starts with the Mewtwo from Coast to Coast writers. Here they are, hard at work, fine-tuning a script for an upcoming episode. We'd better leave them to their work. They've got more comedy to write. Each of the jokes written by the company are factory tested in a GPI research laboratory, using randomly selected focus group viewers.  
  
Lugia: That's not my hand, it's my silver wing.  
  
No reaction from the focus group.  
  
Annoucer: Oh, that line needs a little reworking. ("silver wing" is erased on chalk board. Joey gets an idea.)  
  
Lugia: That's not my hand, it's my butt.  
  
One person in the focus group laughs.  
  
Annoucer: Looks like we've got a winner! We'll take a closer look at the making of Mewtwo from Coast to Coast in a moment, but first...  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
THE BRAND  
CALLED ME  
  
Annoucer: It's a brand new world. Everything you wear.  
  
Camera zooms in on a row of sneakers.  
  
Annoucer: The sneakers on your feet? [BRANDED]  
  
Camera zooms in on a row of sneakers again.  
  
Annoucer: The hat on your head? [BRANDED]  
  
Camera zooms in on a row of sneakers yet again.  
  
Annoucer: How about the coffee you drink? All...[BRANDED]  
  
Mewtwo: It's time for me, and you, to learn a little bit about branding.  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo, do you mean "branding" with a hot iron?  
  
Mewtwo: Ha ha ha heh. No, Eneti, not that type of branding.  
  
Eneti's monitor says:  
  
HA HA HA HEH. NO ENETI.  
  
Lugia: Then tell us, Mewtwo. What's "branding"?  
  
Mewtwo: Here, let me explain. Let's say you have a rowboat, a cow, and a big man.  
  
Lugia: You mean Clarence Clemmons?  
  
Mewtwo: Of course. Now the cow wants to transport Clarence across the river. But remember, the cow is on fire, and Clarence has no hands or bucket, so he has to untilize his hooks, and the mighty power of his saxophone!  
Annoucer: Mewtwo is talking about the three R's. Reliability, Ratings and (Reliver, replaced by) Delivery. Let's start with R number one:  
  
RELIABILITY  
  
Annoucer: (multicolor text "RESEARCH" flies across the screen) Based on our analysis of relative price value factors, subjective hosted product placement decisions versus generic yield acceptibilty, our directly linked network programming identity and the investment in demographic icon synergisticality.  
  
Mewtwo: (head pops up) It's that simple, and that hard.  
  
Annoucer: Let's look at R number two: (multicolor text "POWER" flies across screen)  
  
Mewtwo: What's the real power of me?  
  
Annoucer: Mewtwo is talking about the Feature Benefit Model (subtitle: FEATURE BENEFIT MODEL)  
  
Mewtwo: Remember, 'power' is not a dirty word.  
  
Annoucer: In a moment we'll take a closer look at Mewtwo as a Feature Benefit Model. (subtitle: FEATURE BENEFIT MODEL)  
  
Mewtwo: (His image in on the studio monitor) I'm starting with the man in the mirror.  
  
Annoucer: But first, this:  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
OPERATION  
STAR POWER  
  
Annoucer: An integral element of the success that is Mewtwo from Coast to Coast is the remarkable celebrity interviews. Here's a sneak peak at an upcoming interview with the one and only Tony Bennett.  
  
Eneti's monitor reads:  
  
AN INTERGRAL ELEMENT OF THE SUCCESS  
  
Followed by:  
  
THE REMARKABLE CELEBRITY INTERVEIWS  
  
Mewtwo: (Tony lowers from ceiling on studio monitor) Greetings!  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
SUPERSTAR  
TOM ARNOLD  
  
Annoucer: Now, let's join Mewtwo and the star of "Car Pool" and "Big Bully", Tom Arnold.  
  
Tom Arnold: Actually, that first one was called "Tom". This show is called "The Tom Show", which is different. And that, because I think it's easier to find in the TV Guide.  
  
Mewtwo: You should call it "Tommy".  
  
Tom Arnold: Yeah, I though of that, my grandma would like that. Um, but, you know, I'm not sure...  
  
Mewtwo: How about "Tom Tom the Tom"?  
  
Tom Arnold: What was that again? "Tom Tom the Tom"?  
  
Mewtwo: No, "Tom Tom the Tom Tom". Tom.  
  
Tom Arnold: That's, that's, that's good. I mean, that's, that's ok...  
  
Eneti: (walks out of control room)  
  
Mewtwo: He, HEY! ENETI, PUT YOUR PANTS ON AND DIRECT THE SHOW!  
  
Eneti: Get lost, man!  
  
Annoucer: Let's stop here, we don't wanna give to much away. Now, let's listen to Mewtwo as he tells us about his upcoming guests.  
  
Mewtwo: Rap group Afro-Plane. Female Kathy Kinny. Ginny, The Dog Who Saves Cats. Dinner and a Movie Hosts, Paul and Annabelle.  
  
Paul Gilmartin: How ya' doin', Mewtwo?  
  
Annabelle Gurwitch: Oh, hey there!  
  
Mewtwo: From the pop group "They Might Be Giants", John Flansburgh. Everyone's favorite fanfic author, Vicious Mewtwo himself!  
  
V. Mewtwo: Are you scared?  
  
Mewtwo: And special surprise guest, William, the King of Imagination!  
  
William: My name is William, I am the King of Imagination. I am a modern wizard in training.  
  
REALIZE  
YOUR   
MARKETABILITY  
  
BY  
UTILIZING  
A  
  
LEVERAGE  
STRATEGIC  
SYNERGY  
  
Annoucer: Sporting Goods.  
  
Mewtwo: (In a tennis outfit) Tennis, anyone?  
  
Annoucer: Psychic Advisor.  
  
Mewtwo: (Wearing a "Miss Cleo" hat) Only I can see your future, I've been there!  
  
Annoucer: Dermatological creams and jellies.  
  
Mewtwo has zits all over his face.  
  
Mewtwo: (Zits flash off his face) Wow! Look out, girls!  
  
Annoucer: Who can turn the world on with a smile?  
  
Eneti's monitor shows the VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES logo, and the caption:  
  
WHO CAN TURN THE WORLD ON WITH A SMILE?  
  
Eneti: (Pulls lever) Mewtwo! (Mewtwo smiles, his teeth sparkle)  
  
Annoucer: Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worth while?(Mewtwo dances at his desk)  
  
Mewtwo: You know who!  
  
Annoucer: That's right! And you too can take advantage of this lantern like jaw. I mean, look at it!  
  
Mewtwo: (close up of his jaw) Eh? There you go.  
  
Annoucer: Just think of how your next corporate retreat would be with a surprise guest by the man himself.  
  
Eneti's Monitor reads:  
  
APPEARANCE BY THE MAN HIMSELF  
  
Eneti: (pulls lever) Mewtwo!   
  
Eneti's Monitor reads:  
  
MEWTWO!  
  
Mewtwo smiles, his teeth sparkle  
  
Annoucer: Here's a sample.  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings, cooling and heating fixture citizens of America! Climate control! Am I right? (taps his card)  
  
Annoucer: But that's not all, Mewtwo can also handle your landscaping needs, home or office.  
  
Mewtwo: (riding a lawn tractor) Dyin' out here! Can I get a glass of water?  
  
Annoucer: Imagine the envy of your business competitors when they see Mewtwo bush hogging your shrubbery.  
  
Mewtwo: (as his tail gets caught in the mower) Oh, my tail! My tail! AAAAAAH!  
  
STILL  
NOT CONVINCED?  
  
Annoucer: For a limited time only, if you take advantage of the power of Mewtwo, you'll recieve this deluxe canister set! Think of it, a dashing Pokémon and a deluxe canister set, available this calander year. And also, this shiny object! You heard right, a dashing Pokémon, a deluxe canister set, and a shiny object all in one out-of-this-world package! Oh, and hey, look at this!  
  
Joey does the old "Disconnected Thumb" trick.  
  
Annoucer: (Rim shot) Ow! How does he do that? I wonder... Now, look over here.  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
BEHIND  
THE SCENES  
  
Annoucer: Lugia's in the recording studio, about to record those funny lines the writer's were writing earlier. Let's listen:  
  
Lugia: That's not my hand, it's your butt.  
  
Eneti: No, no, no, my butt.  
  
Lugia: Well, that's what I'm sayin', it's your your butt.  
  
Eneti: No, it's not your butt: my butt.  
  
Lugia: That's what I just said: your butt.  
  
Eneti: My butt!  
  
Lugia: So...your butt.  
  
Eneti: JUST DO THE LINE!  
  
Annoucer: And there, the tapes are put into a magic closet where they will sit for 3 magical weeks. After this magical waiting period, the tapes are then put ...somewhere. But, that's not important. What's important is that Mewtwo is your ticket to a solid financial future. (big $ appears, with cash register sound)  
  
Mewtwo: Your future with me is unlimited!  
  
Lugia: (Says something japanese)  
  
Annoucer: What does that mean?  
  
Lugia: It means "shut your mouth"!  
  
Annoucer: But I'm not even on your planet.  
  
Lugia: (pause) Who are you?  
  
Eneti: (Laughs)  
  
Annoucer: As you can plainly see, life on New Island is fun, and you, too, can be a part of that fun! Let's take a closer look.  
  
Eneti's monitor reads:  
  
LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK  
  
Eneti: Ho ho, yeah!  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
PRODUCT  
PLACEMENT  
  
Mewtwo: (behind a big can of Nurse Cola: Diet) Drink this soda! It's gooood stuff!  
  
MEWTWO 3000  
  
WHAT'S THE  
FUTURE OF YOU?  
  
Mewtwo: When it comes time to allocate your advertising dollars, and/or to make your endorsment selection, please let the Mewtwo be a part of the future of you!  
  
Annoucer: Why? Because Mewtwo from Coast to Coast is-  
  
A SOLUTION  
WITH REAL VALUE  
  
Mewtwo: (sputters) Well, that makes sense even to a brash pokémon such as me!  
  
Eneti: That's right, M2.  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, Eneti.  
  
Lugia: That's right, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, Lugia.  
  
Celebi: That's right, Mewtwo, Lugia, and Eneti.  
  
Annoucer: That's right, guys. I guess that's why we call Mewtwo from Coast to   
Coast-  
  
A VALUABLE SOLUTION  
WITH REAL  
  
Annoucer: (a high speed montage of all of Mewtwo: Coast to Coast's episodes, plus a few surprises) So, what have we learned? (laughs) Heck, I don't know. That this is one crazy show, and I'm John Johnston. Bye now!  
  
(Opening theme and titles)  
  
Mewtwo: (Appears) Hello, I am Mewtwo. My guests are the winners of the "Haikuin' for Mewtwo" contest, Ryah Rosenberg and Sean Medlock. Lugia, play me to the desk and let's get this over with.  
  
Lugia: (plays a very short intro)  
  
Mewtwo: Now, let's meet our first winner, Ryah Rosenberg.  
  
Ryah Rosenberg: Hey, great to be here.  
  
Mewtwo: Tell us a bit about yourself.  
  
Ryah Rosenberg: I am from Phoenix, Arizona...  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, read your thing.  
  
Ryah Rosenberg: All right, my winning haiku went something like this:  
I'll level with you.  
Let me on your show, I want  
A day off from school.  
  
Mewtwo: (pause) (blasts her off) Eneti, send out the other one.  
  
Eneti: (Throws lever, and Sean's image becomes photo-negative)  
  
Eneti's monitor reads:  
  
CAUTION HIGH VOLTAGE  
  
And  
  
DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE  
  
Sean Medlock: (makes faces and funny noises)  
  
Eneti: Whoops! (Laughs) (throws lever) Whoops! (throws lever over and over, making Sean contort) Whoops!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, send him out!  
  
Eneti: Awright, awright. (Throws level, sending Sean out to the studio monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, Medlock, read your deal.  
  
Sean Medlock: I hope I don't win.  
The rules say to bring a friend.  
I don't have any.  
  
Mewtwo: You won for that?  
  
Sean Medlock: Mm hmm, kinda surprising, isn't it?  
  
Mewtwo: Yep, goodnight, everybody!  
  
(Credits roll, with all those guests mentioned also!)  
  
Mewtwo: This is the end of the show.  
  
57 JOSHUA  
  
(funny sound affect) 


	11. Warren (Long Version)

Warren (Long Extended Version)  
  
  
Waiting  
  
  
TV: And now, back to The Warren Show.  
Mewtwo: Oh, I love Warren.  
Warren: Tell us, Mewtwo. What are you super powers?  
Mewtwo: (Original PKMN movie voice) I do have a few of my own. For example,   
I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings. I also have   
X-Ray vision...and I can make change for a dollar.  
Lugia and Eneti: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: Thank you.  
Mewtwo: WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE NEV...  
Mewtwo on TV: I can also bend my index finger.  
Mewtwo: I have never been on Warren! That guy's a replecant!  
Mewtwo on TV: I can bend spoons with my mind...but they have to plastic   
spoons.  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Eneti and Lugia: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: I can't bend real spoons.  
Mewtwo: THIS IS SUCH BULL!  
  
He psyshocks the TV, and it explodes.  
  
Mewtwo: I am super unsatisfied to be replecated in this way! Super unsatisfied!   
I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!  
Lugia: Pick me up a hitch-hiker, will ya?  
Mewtwo: You're coming with us, Lugia. We'll go see Warren, then swing by the   
Department Store and pick you up some new slacks.  
Lugia: And a hitch-hiker?  
Mewtwo: We'll see.  
Eneti and Lugia: SHOTGUN!  
Eneti: YES!  
  
Later, in the car.  
  
Eneti: (Getting kicked by Lugia) Stop it. Stop it.  
Mewtwo: (Mocking voice) I have X-Ray vision and I can make change for a   
dollar!   
Eneti: Stop it!  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) I can make change for 5 dollars if I had to.  
Eneti: Quit it!  
  
They head to Rock Tunnel.  
  
Eneti: Is this it? (Gets kicked again.) QUIT IT!  
Mewtwo: Yep, it's just the way I remembered it...oh, look! They put a Mr. Winters   
over there! You see, boys, Warren was my mentor, he was the wind beneath   
my tail. I learned so much that summer! Perhaps...to much...  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: Um, l-let's go back.  
  
He starts driving away.  
  
Mewtwo: What am I doing?!  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: I love Warren! I need to see him!  
  
He starts going back.  
  
Mewtwo: But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But I've been replecated!  
  
He keeps going.  
  
Mewtwo: ...But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But...I have been replecated.  
  
It takes him a while to start the car, and they keep going. They eventually park   
out by Rock Tunnel. Mewtwo looks around...and gets back in.  
  
Mewtwo: They're closed.  
Lugia: I wanna see!  
Mewtwo: There's nothing to see, now. Who wants new slacks?  
Lugia: I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!  
Eneti: Yeah, we wanna see Warren!  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) All right.  
  
They go inside.  
  
Porygon: Welcome, Mewtwo. Warren is expecting you.  
  
Suddenly, Mewtwo lost some of his TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: My TMs!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No weapons.  
Lugia: (In a corner) Hey...you live here?  
Porygon: Oh, I see you brought a Pidgey.  
Eneti: Ahem!  
Proygon: And a Fire-dog. How lucky.  
Lugia: (In another corner) Where's the tub? Can I have this. (Breaks something)   
Uh, that was broken already.  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) Lugia...  
Lugia: Somebody boiling vinegar?  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
Lugia: What?  
Mewtwo: Shut your beak.  
Lugia: Before you...close it with medical suters?  
Mewtwo: No! Before I use a Super Spaceage Adhesive! Which I keep in my   
fanny-pak!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No fanny-paks.  
  
He loses his fanny-pak.  
  
Mewtwo: (Gasp) My breakfast bars!  
Porygon: Ladies and Gentlemen of the arena, I give you...Warren.  
  
Warren comes out. He's a Vileplume.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...it's been a long time.  
Warren: Yeah...  
Mewtwo: Warren, I've been replecated, man!  
Warren: Uh, do I know you?  
Mewtwo: You tell me, pal.  
Warren: No, I don't know you.  
Mewtwo: Warren, you had me on your show last night, but I was at home   
WATCHING you have me on your show!  
Lugia: Nice bush.  
Warren: Oh, that's funny bird. Funny birds like talkin' like dat in mah castle,   
END UP LOOKIN' FO' DER TEETH, TWO BLOCKS AWAY on Quin Street!  
Mewtwo: Lugia, let me handle this.  
Lugia: Nice...bush.  
Warren: LISTEN! I CAN BURN YOU LIKE DA CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR   
BROWN!  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
Lugia: Nice......bush!  
  
Warrne zaps Lugia.  
  
Warren: We're both pale, aren't we, Lugia...BUT I GOT RAYS! DON'T I?! DON'T   
I?! DON'T I?!  
Eneti: You better answer him.  
Warren: DON'T I, LUGIA?!  
Lugia: Ah, go fertilize yourself!  
  
He gets zapped some more.  
  
Mewtwo: (While Lugia gets zapped) Warren, I've come many miles. I present   
myself to find out why you betrayed our sacred covedent.  
Warren: Do what now?  
Mewtwo: Who was that you had on your show?! Because that wasn't me.  
Warren: Oh, yeah. Heh heh, that's just Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary, huh?  
Warren: Yeah!  
Mewtwo: GARY!  
Warren: Yeah, heh heh.  
Mewtwo: Gaaaaaaaary.  
Warren: (Sigh) Yup.  
Mewtwo: Are you trying to shuck me?  
Warren: Listen to mah! Over der in da corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron.   
CONJURE UP GARY and he'll appear before you! He knows the answers to   
the questions that becks you so, now I must adjorn to mah sunny spot.  
Mewtwo: Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a   
cauldron!  
  
Warren is gone.  
  
Mewtwo: WARREN, WAIT!  
Eneti: He seemed like a good enough guy.  
Lugia: Yeah, very personable.  
Mewtwo: Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.  
  
They stand in front of a boiling pot.  
  
Mewtwo: Gary...Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (Nothing happens) Uh, hey, you guys need   
to do it too, otherwise, it won't work.  
Lugia: Oh.  
Mewtwo: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.  
Lugia: Aaaaaaaaahhh. Gary.  
Eneti: Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary. Aaaaaaaaaahhh.  
  
Something, starts forming, then Gary appears.  
  
Mewtwo: We got him.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it! We're good!  
Gary: Ha ha ha, thank you!  
Mewtwo: It's him!  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Lugia: IT'S MEWTWO!  
Gary: It is indeed.  
Mewtwo: IT IS NOT INDEED! Do you know how I am...GARY?! Take a good look.   
Gary: .......  
Mewtwo: I'M MEWTWO!  
Gary: Pfffp! You're what!?  
Mewtwo: That's right, Gary. I'm the real Mewtwo!  
Gary: So am I.  
Mewtwo: No, see. I'm the one that saved the world from Team Rocket, NOT YOU!  
How do you get off being me?!  
Gary: Uh, at the early days, back when Mewtwo was first born, they let me play   
Mewtwo, and that was what, what a thrill.  
Mewtwo: Who's they?  
Gary: The people at 4Kids Entertainment, and the WB...(Static)...who let me   
play you.  
Mewtwo: Nobody plays me, jack. I play me.  
Eneti: Hey, Gary! Who played me?  
Gary: Eneti, Eneti, I have picture of you in my car. I have a picture of Lugia when   
he was a...(Static)...mild hatchling.  
Lugia: Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?  
Gary: Oh, yes. It was what, wonderful days!  
Eneti: Gary, can you come home with us and...be our new dad?  
Mewtwo: Now, wait just a minute! Don't you see?! ARE YOU ALL BLIND?!   
Lugia, Eneti, this is just some demented mind trick brought up by Warren!  
Gary: I still have my Psy-shield. It's the trunk of my car...(Static)...right now.  
Mewtwo: Listen up, you deluted old freak, don't make me use my TMs on you!  
Eneti: Mewtwo, you don't have your TMs.  
Mewtwo: Stay out of this, Eneti. The time has come for me to put an end to   
this cosmic-crackpot!  
Gary: This looks like real...(Static)...trouble! Hand me that feeblefetzer.  
Lugia: Here ya go, good buddy.  
Mewtwo: You're gonna hit me with that feeblefetzer, aren't you?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: So you can become me, right?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you didn't expect   
to see! This set of auxiliary TMs which I had hidden in my Space Capity!   
PREPARE FOR ONE OF MY HARMFUL PSYBLASTS!  
  
He starts putting them on.  
  
Mewtwo: Hold on a second.  
  
He tinkers with them, but they go on the fritz. He puts on the TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: You're gonna regret having messed with me.  
  
He tries to attack, but they TMs shut off.  
  
Mewtwo: ...turning it on. (Click, breeeeeeeeee) Prepare...for one of my...  
harmful psyblasts.  
Gary: (Human form) Hey, sock it to me!  
Mewtwo: PUCKER UP, GARY!  
  
He unleashes a Psyblast, turning the Cauldron to stone.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, haul that to the Mew Mobile!  
Warren: NO! YOU DESTROYED MAH CREATION!  
Mewtwo: Warren, you used that greasy replecant to lure me back here, didn't   
you?!  
Warren: Yeah, you know it.  
Mewtwo: But why?  
Warren: Well...hahahahaha! (STING MUSIC) Never mind why. The past is   
already the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll   
cradle you.  
  
Eneti steps forward.  
  
Warren: Not you. (To Mewtwo) YOU!  
Mewtwo: I-I don't understand, Warren.  
Warren: Often, we fear more than we tend, Mewtwo. Come closer to me.  
  
He gets closer.  
  
Warren: (sniff) Closer!  
Mewtwo: (I must be out my nut! What am I doing? And why is Warren smelling   
me?!)  
Warren: How ya folks and all dem?  
Mewtwo: Well, there...kinda, uh...  
Warren: Why don't you take your fold off. HA!  
Mewtwo: No...please!  
Warren: Listen to me...love and fear are often...the same thing.  
Mewtwo: Yeah, well...thank you.  
Warren: Don't fight me, just...hold me!  
  
He holds him.  
  
Warren: Mmmm, prime rib!  
Mewtwo: Hey, wait a minute!  
Warren on TV: Greetings, citizens!  
Mewtwo: Hey, what the?!  
Warren on TV: I'm Warren. IS EVERYBODY GETTIN' ENOUGH CARBON   
DIOXIDE?!  
  
STING MUSIC plays.  
  
Mewtwo: AHA! So that's why you brought me here, so you could steal my   
show! But, you've already got a show! WHY, WARREN, WHY?!  
Warren: Well, you know, I...ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA! I just felt like it.  
Mewtwo: Well, you greedy manipulative Oddish, I'm not gonna let your   
Warren impostinater steal my show behind the back of me!  
Warren: But, Mewtwo, how do you know I'M not the impostinater?  
Mewtwo: Well...you've lost me there, Warren. And now, you must pay, you  
ungreatful hedge!  
  
He launches a psybeam at Warren killing him.  
  
Porygon: You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'. You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'.  
Mewtwo: TELL 'EM THIS!  
  
He blows up the Porygon too!  
  
Mewtwo: WHEN YA SEE 'EM IN POLAND!  
  
THE END...  
  
Mewtwo: That was good...what else is on?  
TV: And now, back to The Warren Show.  
Mewtwo: Oh, I love Warren.  
Warren: Tell us, Mewtwo. What are you super powers?  
Mewtwo: (Original PKMN movie voice) I do have a few of my own. For example,   
I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings. I also have   
X-Ray vision...and I can make change for a dollar.  
Lugia and Eneti: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: Thank you.  
Mewtwo: WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE NEV...  
Mewtwo on TV: I can also bend my index finger.  
Mewtwo: I have never been on Warren! That guy's a replecant!  
Mewtwo on TV: I can bend spoons with my mind...but they have to plastic   
spoons.  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Eneti and Lugia: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: I can't bend real spoons.  
Mewtwo: THIS IS SUCH BULL!  
  
He psyshocks the TV, and it explodes.  
  
Mewtwo: I am super unsatisfied to be replecated in this way! Super unsatisfied!   
I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!  
Lugia: Pick me up a hitch-hiker, will ya?  
Mewtwo: You're coming with us, Lugia. We'll go see Warren, then swing by the   
Department Store and pick you up some new slacks.  
Lugia: And a hitch-hiker?  
Mewtwo: We'll see.  
Eneti and Lugia: SHOTGUN!  
Eneti: YES!  
  
Later, in the car.  
  
Eneti: (Getting kicked by Lugia) Stop it. Stop it.  
Mewtwo: (Mocking voice) I have X-Ray vision and I can make change for a   
dollar!   
Eneti: Stop it!  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) I can make change for 5 dollars if I had to.  
Eneti: Quit it!  
  
They head to Rock Tunnel.  
  
Eneti: Is this it? (Gets kicked again.) QUIT IT!  
Mewtwo: Yep, it's just the way I remembered it...oh, look! They put a Mr. Winters   
over there! You see, boys, Warren was my mentor, he was the wind beneath   
my tail. I learned so much that summer! Perhaps...to much...  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: Um, l-let's go back.  
  
He starts driving away.  
  
Mewtwo: What am I doing?!  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: I love Warren! I need to see him!  
  
He starts going back.  
  
Mewtwo: But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But I've been replecated!  
  
He keeps going.  
  
Mewtwo: ...But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But...I have been replecated.  
  
It takes him a while to start the car, and they keep going. They eventually park   
out by Rock Tunnel. Mewtwo looks around...and gets back in.  
  
Mewtwo: They're closed.  
Lugia: I wanna see!  
Mewtwo: There's nothing to see, now. Who wants new slacks?  
Lugia: I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!  
Eneti: Yeah, we wanna see Warren!  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) All right.  
  
They go inside.  
  
Porygon: Welcome, Mewtwo. Warren is expecting you.  
  
Suddenly, Mewtwo lost some of his TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: My TMs!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No weapons.  
Lugia: (In a corner) Hey...you live here?  
Porygon: Oh, I see you brought a Pidgey.  
Eneti: Ahem!  
Proygon: And a Fire-dog. How lucky.  
Lugia: (In another corner) Where's the tub? Can I have this. (Breaks something)   
Uh, that was broken already.  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) Lugia...  
Lugia: Somebody boiling vinegar?  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
Lugia: What?  
Mewtwo: Shut your beak.  
Lugia: Before you...close it with medical suters?  
Mewtwo: No! Before I use a Super Spaceage Adhesive! Which I keep in my   
fanny-pak!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No fanny-paks.  
  
He loses his fanny-pak.  
  
Mewtwo: (Gasp) My breakfast bars!  
Porygon: Ladies and Gentlemen of the arena, I give you...Warren.  
  
Warren comes out. He's a Vileplume.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...it's been a long time.  
Warren: Yeah...  
Mewtwo: Warren, I've been replecated, man!  
Warren: Uh, do I know you?  
Mewtwo: You tell me, pal.  
Warren: No, I don't know you.  
Mewtwo: Warren, you had me on your show last night, but I was at home   
WATCHING you have me on your show!  
Lugia: Nice bush.  
Warren: Oh, that's funny bird. Funny birds like talkin' like dat in mah castle,   
END UP LOOKIN' FO' DER TEETH, TWO BLOCKS AWAY on Quin Street!  
Mewtwo: Lugia, let me handle this.  
Lugia: Nice...bush.  
Warren: LISTEN! I CAN BURN YOU LIKE DA CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR   
BROWN!  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
Lugia: Nice......bush!  
  
Warrne zaps Lugia.  
  
Warren: We're both pale, aren't we, Lugia...BUT I GOT RAYS! DON'T I?! DON'T   
I?! DON'T I?!  
Eneti: You better answer him.  
Warren: DON'T I, LUGIA?!  
Lugia: Ah, go fertilize yourself!  
  
He gets zapped some more.  
  
Mewtwo: (While Lugia gets zapped) Warren, I've come many miles. I present   
myself to find out why you betrayed our sacred covedent.  
Warren: Do what now?  
Mewtwo: Who was that you had on your show?! Because that wasn't me.  
Warren: Oh, yeah. Heh heh, that's just Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary, huh?  
Warren: Yeah!  
Mewtwo: GARY!  
Warren: Yeah, heh heh.  
Mewtwo: Gaaaaaaaary.  
Warren: (Sigh) Yup.  
Mewtwo: Are you trying to shuck me?  
Warren: Listen to mah! Over der in da corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron.   
CONJURE UP GARY and he'll appear before you! He knows the answers to   
the questions that becks you so, now I must adjorn to mah sunny spot.  
Mewtwo: Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a   
cauldron!  
  
Warren is gone.  
  
Mewtwo: WARREN, WAIT!  
Eneti: He seemed like a good enough guy.  
Lugia: Yeah, very personable.  
Mewtwo: Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.  
  
They stand in front of a boiling pot.  
  
Mewtwo: Gary...Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (Nothing happens) Uh, hey, you guys need   
to do it too, otherwise, it won't work.  
Lugia: Oh.  
Mewtwo: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.  
Lugia: Aaaaaaaaahhh. Gary.  
Eneti: Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary. Aaaaaaaaaahhh.  
  
Something, starts forming, then Gary appears.  
  
Mewtwo: We got him.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it! We're good!  
Gary: Ha ha ha, thank you!  
Mewtwo: It's him!  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Lugia: IT'S MEWTWO!  
Gary: It is indeed.  
Mewtwo: IT IS NOT INDEED! Do you know how I am...GARY?! Take a good look.   
Gary: .......  
Mewtwo: I'M MEWTWO!  
Gary: Pfffp! You're what!?  
Mewtwo: That's right, Gary. I'm the real Mewtwo!  
Gary: So am I.  
Mewtwo: No, see. I'm the one that saved the world from Team Rocket, NOT YOU!  
How do you get off being me?!  
Gary: Uh, at the early days, back when Mewtwo was first born, they let me play   
Mewtwo, and that was what, what a thrill.  
Mewtwo: Who's they?  
Gary: The people at 4Kids Entertainment, and the WB...(Static)...who let me   
play you.  
Mewtwo: Nobody plays me, jack. I play me.  
Eneti: Hey, Gary! Who played me?  
Gary: Eneti, Eneti, I have picture of you in my car. I have a picture of Lugia when   
he was a...(Static)...mild hatchling.  
Lugia: Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?  
Gary: Oh, yes. It was what, wonderful days!  
Eneti: Gary, can you come home with us and...be our new dad?  
Mewtwo: Now, wait just a minute! Don't you see?! ARE YOU ALL BLIND?!   
Lugia, Eneti, this is just some demented mind trick made up by Warren!  
Gary: I still have my Psy-shield. It's the trunk of my car...(Static)...right now.  
Mewtwo: Listen up, you deluted old freak, don't make me use my TMs on you!  
Eneti: Mewtwo, you don't have your TMs.  
Mewtwo: Stay out of this, Eneti. The time has come for me to put an end to   
this cosmic-crackpot!  
Gary: This looks like real...(Static)...trouble! Hand me that feeblefetzer.  
Lugia: Here ya go, good buddy.  
Mewtwo: You're gonna hit me with that feeblefetzer, aren't you?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: So you can become me, right?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you didn't expect   
to see! This set of auxiliary TMs which I had hidden in my Space Capity!   
PREPARE FOR ONE OF MY HARMFUL PSYBLASTS!  
  
He starts putting them on.  
  
Mewtwo: Hold on a second.  
  
He tinkers with them, but they go on the fritz. He puts on the TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: You're gonna regret having messed with me.  
  
He tries to attack, but they TMs shut off.  
  
Mewtwo: ...turning it on. (Click, breeeeeeeeee) Prepare...for one of my...  
harmful psyblasts.  
Gary: (Human form) Hey, sock it to me!  
Mewtwo: PUCKER UP, GARY!  
  
He unleashes a Psyblast, turning the Cauldron to stone.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, haul that to the Mew Mobile!  
Warren: NO! YOU DESTROYED MAH CREATION!  
Mewtwo: Warren, you used that greasy replecant to lure me back here, didn't   
you?!  
Warren: Yeah, you know it.  
Mewtwo: But why?  
Warren: Well...hahahahaha! (STING MUSIC) Never mind why. The past is   
already the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll   
cradle you.  
  
Eneti steps forward.  
  
Warren: Not you. (To Mewtwo) YOU!  
Mewtwo: I-I don't understand, Warren.  
Warren: Often, we fear more than we tend, Mewtwo. Come closer to me.  
  
He gets closer.  
  
Warren: (sniff) Closer!  
Mewtwo: (I must be out my nut! What am I doing? And why is Warren smelling   
me?!)  
Warren: How ya folks and all dem?  
Mewtwo: Well, there...kinda, uh...  
Warren: Why don't you take your fold off. HA!  
Mewtwo: No...please!  
Warren: Listen to me...love and fear are often...the same thing.  
Mewtwo: Yeah, well...thank you.  
Warren: Don't fight me, just...hold me!  
  
He holds him.  
  
Warren: Mmmm, prime rib!  
Mewtwo: Hey, wait a minute!  
Warren on TV: Greetings, citizens!  
Mewtwo: Hey, what the?!  
Warren on TV: I'm Warren. IS EVERYBODY GETTIN' ENOUGH CARBON   
DIOXIDE?!  
  
STING MUSIC plays.  
  
Mewtwo: AHA! So that's why you brought me here, so you could steal my   
show! But, you've already got a show! WHY, WARREN, WHY?!  
Warren: Well, you know, I...ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA! I just felt like it.  
Mewtwo: Well, you greedy manipulative Oddish, I'm not gonna let your   
Warren impostinater steal my show behind the back of me!  
Warren: But, Mewtwo, how do you know I'M not the impostinater?  
Mewtwo: Well...you've lost me there, Warren. And now, you must pay, you  
ungreatful hedge!  
  
He launches a psybeam at Warren killing him.  
  
Porygon: You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'. You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'.  
Mewtwo: TELL 'EM THIS!  
  
He blows up the Porygon too!  
  
Mewtwo: WHEN YA SEE 'EM IN POLAND!  
  
THE END...  
  
Mewtwo: That was good...what else is on?  
TV: And now, back to The Warren Show.  
Mewtwo: Oh, I love Warren.  
Warren: Tell us, Mewtwo. What are you super powers?  
Mewtwo: (Original PKMN movie voice) I do have a few of my own. For example,   
I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings. I also have   
X-Ray vision...and I can make change for a dollar.  
Lugia and Eneti: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: Thank you.  
Mewtwo: WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE NEV...  
Mewtwo on TV: I can also bend my index finger.  
Mewtwo: I have never been on Warren! That guy's a replecant!  
Mewtwo on TV: I can bend spoons with my mind...but they have to plastic   
spoons.  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Eneti and Lugia: (laughs)  
Mewtwo on TV: I can't bend real spoons.  
Mewtwo: THIS IS SUCH BULL!  
  
He psyshocks the TV, and it explodes.  
  
Mewtwo: I am super unsatisfied to be replecated in this way! Super unsatisfied!   
I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!  
Lugia: Pick me up a hitch-hiker, will ya?  
Mewtwo: You're coming with us, Lugia. We'll go see Warren, then swing by the   
Department Store and pick you up some new slacks.  
Lugia: And a hitch-hiker?  
Mewtwo: We'll see.  
Eneti and Lugia: SHOTGUN!  
Eneti: YES!  
  
Later, in the car.  
  
Eneti: (Getting kicked by Lugia) Stop it. Stop it.  
Mewtwo: (Mocking voice) I have X-Ray vision and I can make change for a   
dollar!   
Eneti: Stop it!  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) I can make change for 5 dollars if I had to.  
Eneti: Quit it!  
  
They head to Rock Tunnel.  
  
Eneti: Is this it? (Gets kicked again.) QUIT IT!  
Mewtwo: Yep, it's just the way I remembered it...oh, look! They put a Mr. Winters   
over there! You see, boys, Warren was my mentor, he was the wind beneath   
my tail. I learned so much that summer! Perhaps...to much...  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: Um, l-let's go back.  
  
He starts driving away.  
  
Mewtwo: What am I doing?!  
  
He stops the car.  
  
Mewtwo: I love Warren! I need to see him!  
  
He starts going back.  
  
Mewtwo: But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But I've been replecated!  
  
He keeps going.  
  
Mewtwo: ...But he hurts me.  
  
He stops again.  
  
Mewtwo: But...I have been replecated.  
  
It takes him a while to start the car, and they keep going. They eventually park   
out by Rock Tunnel. Mewtwo looks around...and gets back in.  
  
Mewtwo: They're closed.  
Lugia: I wanna see!  
Mewtwo: There's nothing to see, now. Who wants new slacks?  
Lugia: I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!  
Eneti: Yeah, we wanna see Warren!  
Mewtwo: (Sigh) All right.  
  
They go inside.  
  
Porygon: Welcome, Mewtwo. Warren is expecting you.  
  
Suddenly, Mewtwo lost some of his TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: My TMs!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No weapons.  
Lugia: (In a corner) Hey...you live here?  
Porygon: Oh, I see you brought a Pidgey.  
Eneti: Ahem!  
Proygon: And a Fire-dog. How lucky.  
Lugia: (In another corner) Where's the tub? Can I have this. (Breaks something)   
Uh, that was broken already.  
Mewtwo: (Low voice) Lugia...  
Lugia: Somebody boiling vinegar?  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
Lugia: What?  
Mewtwo: Shut your beak.  
Lugia: Before you...close it with medical suters?  
Mewtwo: No! Before I use a Super Spaceage Adhesive! Which I keep in my   
fanny-pak!  
Porygon: You know the rules. No fanny-paks.  
  
He loses his fanny-pak.  
  
Mewtwo: (Gasp) My breakfast bars!  
Porygon: Ladies and Gentlemen of the arena, I give you...Warren.  
  
Warren comes out. He's a Vileplume.  
  
Mewtwo: Well...it's been a long time.  
Warren: Yeah...  
Mewtwo: Warren, I've been replecated, man!  
Warren: Uh, do I know you?  
Mewtwo: You tell me, pal.  
Warren: No, I don't know you.  
Mewtwo: Warren, you had me on your show last night, but I was at home   
WATCHING you have me on your show!  
Lugia: Nice bush.  
Warren: Oh, that's funny bird. Funny birds like talkin' like dat in mah castle,   
END UP LOOKIN' FO' DER TEETH, TWO BLOCKS AWAY on Quin Street!  
Mewtwo: Lugia, let me handle this.  
Lugia: Nice...bush.  
Warren: LISTEN! I CAN BURN YOU LIKE DA CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR   
BROWN!  
Mewtwo: Lugia!  
Lugia: Nice......bush!  
  
Warrne zaps Lugia.  
  
Warren: We're both pale, aren't we, Lugia...BUT I GOT RAYS! DON'T I?! DON'T   
I?! DON'T I?!  
Eneti: You better answer him.  
Warren: DON'T I, LUGIA?!  
Lugia: Ah, go fertilize yourself!  
  
He gets zapped some more.  
  
Mewtwo: (While Lugia gets zapped) Warren, I've come many miles. I present   
myself to find out why you betrayed our sacred covedent.  
Warren: Do what now?  
Mewtwo: Who was that you had on your show?! Because that wasn't me.  
Warren: Oh, yeah. Heh heh, that's just Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary, huh?  
Warren: Yeah!  
Mewtwo: GARY!  
Warren: Yeah, heh heh.  
Mewtwo: Gaaaaaaaary.  
Warren: (Sigh) Yup.  
Mewtwo: Are you trying to shuck me?  
Warren: Listen to mah! Over der in da corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron.   
CONJURE UP GARY and he'll appear before you! He knows the answers to   
the questions that becks you so, now I must adjorn to mah sunny spot.  
Mewtwo: Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a   
cauldron!  
  
Warren is gone.  
  
Mewtwo: WARREN, WAIT!  
Eneti: He seemed like a good enough guy.  
Lugia: Yeah, very personable.  
Mewtwo: Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.  
  
They stand in front of a boiling pot.  
  
Mewtwo: Gary...Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (Nothing happens) Uh, hey, you guys need   
to do it too, otherwise, it won't work.  
Lugia: Oh.  
Mewtwo: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.  
Lugia: Aaaaaaaaahhh. Gary.  
Eneti: Gary.  
Mewtwo: Gary. Aaaaaaaaaahhh.  
  
Something, starts forming, then Gary appears.  
  
Mewtwo: We got him.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it.  
Lugia: Aaahh.  
Mewtwo: We got it! We're good!  
Gary: Ha ha ha, thank you!  
Mewtwo: It's him!  
Eneti: Whoa!  
Lugia: IT'S MEWTWO!  
Gary: It is indeed.  
Mewtwo: IT IS NOT INDEED! Do you know how I am...GARY?! Take a good look.   
Gary: .......  
Mewtwo: I'M MEWTWO!  
Gary: Pfffp! You're what!?  
Mewtwo: That's right, Gary. I'm the real Mewtwo!  
Gary: So am I.  
Mewtwo: No, see. I'm the one that saved the world from Team Rocket, NOT YOU!  
How do you get off being me?!  
Gary: Uh, at the early days, back when Mewtwo was first born, they let me play   
Mewtwo, and that was what, what a thrill.  
Mewtwo: Who's they?  
Gary: The people at 4Kids Entertainment, and the WB...(Static)...who let me   
play you.  
Mewtwo: Nobody plays me, jack. I play me.  
Eneti: Hey, Gary! Who played me?  
Gary: Eneti, Eneti, I have picture of you in my car. I have a picture of Lugia when   
he was a...(Static)...mild hatchling.  
Lugia: Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?  
Gary: Oh, yes. It was what, wonderful days!  
Eneti: Gary, can you come home with us and...be our new dad?  
Mewtwo: Now, wait just a minute! Don't you see?! ARE YOU ALL BLIND?!   
Lugia, Eneti, this is just some demented mind trick made up by Warren!  
Gary: I still have my Psy-shield. It's the trunk of my car...(Static)...right now.  
Mewtwo: Listen up, you deluted old freak, don't make me use my TMs on you!  
Eneti: Mewtwo, you don't have your TMs.  
Mewtwo: Stay out of this, Eneti. The time has come for me to put an end to   
this cosmic-crackpot!  
Gary: This looks like real...(Static)...trouble! Hand me that feeblefetzer.  
Lugia: Here ya go, good buddy.  
Mewtwo: You're gonna hit me with that feeblefetzer, aren't you?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: So you can become me, right?  
Gary: Oh, ye...(Static)...yes.  
Mewtwo: That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you didn't expect   
to see! This set of oxcillery TMs which I had hidden in my Space Capity!   
PREPARE FOR ONE OF MY HARMFUL PSYBLASTS!  
  
He starts putting them on.  
  
Mewtwo: Hold on a second.  
  
He tinkers with them, but they go on the fritz. He puts on the TMs.  
  
Mewtwo: You're gonna regret having messed with me.  
  
He tries to attack, but they TMs shut off.  
  
Mewtwo: ...turning it on. (Click, breeeeeeeeee) Prepare...for one of my...  
harmful psyblasts.  
Gary: (Human form) Hey, sock it to me!  
Mewtwo: PUCKER UP, GARY!  
  
He unleashes a Psyblast, turning the Cauldron to stone.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, haul that to the Mew Mobile!  
Warren: NO! YOU DESTROYED MAH CREATION!  
Mewtwo: Warren, you used that greasy replecant to lure me back here, didn't   
you?!  
Warren: Yeah, you know it.  
Mewtwo: But why?  
Warren: Well...hahahahaha! (STING MUSIC) Never mind why. The past is   
already the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll   
cradle you.  
  
Eneti steps forward.  
  
Warren: Not you. (To Mewtwo) YOU!  
Mewtwo: I-I don't understand, Warren.  
Warren: Often, we fear more than we tend, Mewtwo. Come closer to me.  
  
He gets closer.  
  
Warren: (sniff) Closer!  
Mewtwo: (I must be out my nut! What am I doing? And why is Warren smelling   
me?!)  
Warren: How ya folks and all dem?  
Mewtwo: Well, there...kinda, uh...  
Warren: Why don't you take your fold off. HA!  
Mewtwo: No...please!  
Warren: Listen to me...love and fear are often...the same thing.  
Mewtwo: Yeah, well...thank you.  
Warren: Don't fight me, just...hold me!  
  
He holds him.  
  
Warren: Mmmm, prime rib!  
Mewtwo: Hey, wait a minute!  
Warren on TV: Greetings, citizens!  
Mewtwo: Hey, what the?!  
Warren on TV: I'm Warren. IS EVERYBODY GETTIN' ENOUGH CARBON   
DIOXIDE?!  
  
STING MUSIC plays.  
  
Mewtwo: AHA! So that's why you brought me here, so you could steal my   
show! But, you've already got a show! WHY, WARREN, WHY?!  
Warren: Well, you know, I...ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA! I just felt like it.  
Mewtwo: Well, you greedy manipulative Oddish, I'm not gonna let your   
Warren impostinater steal my show behind the back of me!  
Warren: But, Mewtwo, how do you know I'M not the impostinater?  
Mewtwo: Well...you've lost me there, Warren. And now, you must pay, you  
ungreatful hedge!  
  
He launches a psybeam at Warren killing him.  
  
Porygon: You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'. You destroyed Warren, I'm tellin'.  
Mewtwo: TELL 'EM THIS!  
  
He blows up the Porygon too!  
  
Mewtwo: WHEN YA SEE 'EM IN POLAND!  
  
THE END...  
  
Mewtwo: That was good...what else is on?  
  
EPISODE 62 WARREN  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Warren: Ha! 


	12. The Shin-ra Hole

The Shin-ra Hole  
  
  
(Fade in: Dave Thomas is on the monitor)   
  
Dave Thomas: Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?   
  
Lugia: Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.   
  
(Mewtwo teleports in to his desk)   
  
Dave Thomas: (clears his throat, alerting Lugia to M2's arrival)   
  
Lugia: Yeah, Dave, uh, that, uh...   
  
Dave Thomas: Um...   
  
Lugia: ... fair was, uh... fun.   
  
Dave Thomas: Yeah.   
  
Lugia: Yeah.   
  
Mewtwo: You weren't in any fair!   
  
Lugia: (laughs)   
  
Mewtwo: I heard you tellin' Dave to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.   
  
Dave Thomas: Ah...   
  
Lugia: Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.   
  
Mewtwo: That makes me sad.   
  
Lugia: I never said that!   
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, you did.   
  
Lugia: We're buds!   
  
Mewtwo: Well, I heard it.   
  
Lugia: I never said that, and I would never say that.   
  
Mewtwo: Dave heard it, didn't you, Dave?   
  
Dave Thomas: (nods slowly)   
  
Lugia: (laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?   
  
Dave Thomas: Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...   
  
Mewtwo: I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.   
  
Lugia: There you go.   
  
Mewtwo: And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!   
  
Lugia: That'll work.   
  
Mewtwo: And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.   
  
Dave Thomas: Okay... (exhales)   
  
(Cut to control room; Eneti watches on his monitor)   
  
Mewtwo: How would that be... ya fat babies?   
  
Eneti: Good!   
  
(Cut back to studio)   
  
Lugia: Yeah, good.   
  
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)   
  
Mewtwo: (takes off from his desk, flies off the set)   
  
Dave Thomas: Okay, this is my show, now that Mewtwo is gone, this is the Dave Thomas Show.   
  
Lugia: Yeah!!   
  
Dave Thomas: Mewtwo won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.   
  
Lugia: Awright!   
  
Dave Thomas: I've often wondered from watching your show...   
  
(As Dave talks, Mewtwo is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)   
  
Mewtwo: [So we forgot all about our good friend Mewtwo...]   
  
Dave Thomas: (to Lugia) ... how tall are you?   
  
Lugia: Eh, about seventeen feet. But I am getting smaller.   
  
Dave Thomas: Seventeen feet tall.   
  
Lugia: Yeah, I'm pretty big.   
  
Dave Thomas: I'm impressed.   
  
Lugia: I know.   
  
Mewtwo: (still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)   
  
Dave Thomas: How much can you bench press?   
  
Lugia: Eh, about 3,200.   
  
Dave Thomas: I could tell that from your over-developed quads.   
  
Eneti: (stammering) Hey Dave, Dave, ask me how tall... how I can press.   
  
Mewtwo: (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod) Did it just get noisier in here? (he stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Lugia) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?   
  
Lugia: It's going pretty good!   
  
Mewtwo: As if I care.   
  
Lugia: It's funny.   
  
Eneti: Yeah, too bad you're missing it.   
  
Mewtwo: (looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?   
  
Lugia: (to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.   
  
Eneti: Actually, we were talking about...   
  
Mewtwo: Oh, I heard it. Say, Dave...   
  
Dave Thomas: Yeah?   
  
Mewtwo: Why don't you ask Lugia about his hollow wings, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?   
  
Dave Thomas: Oh god!   
  
Mewtwo: If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.   
  
Lugia: Hey, I thought you were leaving.   
  
Mewtwo: But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Lugia? Answer him. Answer me.   
  
Lugia: This ain't your show. It's the Dave Thomas Show.   
  
Mewtwo: I'm not here for your show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.   
  
Lugia: Uh huh.   
  
Mewtwo: I never liked it, Lugia.   
  
Lugia: Uh huh.   
  
Mewtwo: I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.   
  
Lugia: We don't care.   
  
Mewtwo: Where it's fun.   
  
Lugia: Well, go get 'em. What are you waitin' for?   
  
Mewtwo: I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Dave.   
  
Dave Thomas: (looks back silently)   
  
Mewtwo: Hey Dave.   
  
Dave Thomas: Greetings, Mewtwo.   
  
Lugia: Alright, you did that, now get your keys.   
  
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Say Dave, tell me about your new projects.   
  
Lugia: Hey! That's enough!   
  
Eneti: Yeah man, leave.   
  
Mewtwo: I am leavin'.   
  
Eneti: So leave. I mean, you've been leavin' for five minutes.   
  
Mewtwo: And I'm never comin' back.   
  
Eneti: Good! Go! Bye!   
  
Mewtwo: When I go, that's it.   
  
Lugia: So go for [bleep] sake!   
  
Dave Thomas: (looks shocked)   
  
Mewtwo: (stares in silence)   
  
Lugia: Dave doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Dave?   
  
Dave Thomas: (pauses) No no, no no no...   
  
Eneti: Now man, you said it was your show...   
  
Dave Thomas: Aw, c'mon.   
  
Mewtwo: Fine, I'm leaving! (pounds his fist)   
  
Dave Thomas: Alright, go ahead.   
  
Mewtwo: Alright, I will go ahead!   
  
Lugia: Then move it!   
  
Eneti: Yeah, get outta here!   
  
Mewtwo: (pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.   
  
Eneti: No!   
  
Mewtwo: (pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever! (pounds desk again)   
  
Dave Thomas: What a shame.   
  
Lugia: (laughs hysterically)   
  
Eneti: (laughs hysterically)   
  
Mewtwo: (flies off)   
  
(Scene transition to the Shin-ra building)   
  
Narrator: Outside the Shin-ra Building...   
  
(Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.)   
  
Narrator: ... is this Hole...   
  
Mewtwo: (rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Reno! My man! (Reno stands up, along with Rude, who ducks down again. Mewtwo's tractor goes off screen and stops)   
  
Narrator: ... of Shin-ra.   
  
Mewtwo: Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.   
  
Reno: Gee, thanks, uh... Mew...   
  
Mewtwo: Mewtwo.   
  
Reno: Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.   
  
Mewtwo: Here, let me get you some change in my inviso... (invisos out "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I turned invisible! (invisos back in) I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet superpowers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Shin-ra. (as Mewtwo talks, Elena and Tseng appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)   
  
Reno: We can all do this. (all of them inviso out)   
  
Mewtwo: Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (characters sneak away under inviso power) Where are you?!   
  
(Back in the studio)   
  
Lugia: (laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!   
  
Dave Thomas: Hey, take off, Lugia.   
  
Eneti: Hey wait, you guys, you guys...   
  
Lugia: Take off, eh? (laughs)   
  
Eneti: Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.   
  
Dave Thomas: (stares back in silence)   
  
Eneti: Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)   
  
Dave Thomas: (silence)   
  
Eneti: C'mon, do it.   
  
Mewtwo: (teleports to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!   
  
Eneti: (groans)   
  
Lugia: Aw, man!   
  
Mewtwo: What?   
  
Lugia: I thought you had some friends!   
  
Mewtwo: I do.   
  
Lugia: Then where are they?   
  
Mewtwo: Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Dave, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?   
  
Dave Thomas: Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.   
  
Mewtwo: By "people", do you mean me?   
  
Dave Thomas: Yeah.   
  
Eneti: (standing by Mewtwo's desk) Dave, is there a problem here?   
  
Dave Thomas: No, no problem at all.   
  
Eneti: Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Mewtwo's desk) I have the solution.   
  
Dave Thomas: No problem.   
  
Eneti: Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Dave.   
  
Dave Thomas: Okay.   
  
Eneti: (walking away) The Dave Thomas Show. Heh heh, I love it.   
  
Mewtwo: He's not the host of the show.   
  
Lugia: Yeah he is.   
  
Mewtwo: No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.   
  
Dave Thomas: Alright, Mewtwo, how thick is your neck?   
  
Mewtwo: I'll ask the questions, Dave. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches. (to himself) I don't know about my other neck though.  
  
Dave Thomas: That's a decent sized neck.   
  
Mewtwo: Radius, Dave.   
  
Dave Thomas: 48 inch radius.   
  
Mewtwo: Radius.   
  
Dave Thomas: How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...   
  
Mewtwo: I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.   
  
Dave Thomas: Fair enough.   
  
Mewtwo: What's that on your jaw, Dave? Oh-h-h, it's fat.   
  
Dave Thomas: Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Mewtwo.   
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Not much of one.   
  
Dave Thomas: Hey.   
  
Mewtwo: What?   
  
Dave Thomas: I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Mewtwo?   
  
Mewtwo: Oh, you're the guest. Then who's the host?   
  
Dave Thomas: Of the Mewtwo show?   
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, Dave. The Mewtwo show.   
  
Dave Thomas: (pause) Uh... Lugia?   
  
Lugia: (in background) Tell it on the mountain!   
  
Mewtwo: No.   
  
Dave Thomas: I.. Help me out here! Eneti?   
  
Mewtwo: (aims his fist at Dave) Screw you all to hell! (prepares his psyblast)   
  
Dave Thomas: Okay.   
  
Mewtwo: (still aiming, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)   
  
Dave Thomas: How's it goin', Lugia?   
  
Lugia: Awesome, Dave.   
  
Mewtwo: (still aiming) I'm serious!   
  
Dave Thomas: Give it your best shot, big boy.   
  
Mewtwo: (blasts Dave with his psyblast, but the blasts are deflected)   
  
Dave Thomas: (chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop.   
  
Mewtwo: (flies off)   
  
Dave Thomas: (chuckles)   
  
(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Shin-ra)   
  
Mewtwo: Y'all in there? (Reno peers over the edge of the hole, in inviso mode) I know you're in there.   
  
Reno: (invisos in) No, I, I was just testing it.   
  
Mewtwo: Where is everyone?   
  
Reno: They're... they're out killing stuff.   
  
Mewtwo: I hope they don't kill their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?   
  
Reno: Yeah. (the others peer over the hole's edit, in inviso mode) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out in Balamb. (points up)   
  
Mewtwo: That's funny, I came by Balamb on my way over, and it doesn't have any people running around! (moves toward Reno, the others duck down)   
  
Reno: Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.   
  
Mewtwo: I know you're invisible in there! Ya fat babies!   
  
(Back in the studio)   
  
Eneti: Okay, you ready?   
  
Dave Thomas: Yeah.   
  
Eneti: Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then he swings by on a rope) Whoa! (he lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)   
  
Dave Thomas: Lugia, comments?   
  
Lugia: I'd say that... probably killed him.   
  
Eneti: Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.   
  
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Lugia's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Mewtwo, the guy the show's named after.   
  
Dave Thomas: Welcome mat is out for you, Mewtwo.   
  
Mewtwo: Nobody talk to me or look at me.   
  
Lugia: Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)   
  
Eneti: You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Dave)   
  
Mewtwo: (stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Mewtwo, he moves in front of it again)   
  
Dave Thomas: You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Mewtwo? (laughing)   
  
Mewtwo: (continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Eneti moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.   
  
Dave Thomas: Take your time, Mewtwo, I got all day. (laughs)   
  
Mewtwo: Well, I don't, Dave. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy pokémon. (flies off)   
  
Lugia: Hey, Dave... where'd you get that blazer?   
  
Dave Thomas: Well...   
  
Mewtwo: (walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.   
  
Dave Thomas: Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?   
  
Mewtwo: Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire god-forsaken planet. Starting with Reno, the Turks, and their stupid Hole of Shin-ra. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.   
  
Dave Thomas: Well...   
  
Mewtwo: I'm a super-pokémon, AND a super-artist.   
  
Dave Thomas: I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.   
  
Mewtwo: (pause) So.. you think I have a problem.   
  
Dave Thomas: Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...   
  
Lugia: Well, I'll open his mind.   
  
Mewtwo: Oh, with what? A hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.   
  
Lugia: That's not what I was gonna say!   
  
Mewtwo: Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?   
  
Lugia: What are you talkin' about?   
  
Mewtwo: I know you said it!   
  
Dave Thomas: Have you ever...   
  
Mewtwo: He said it, Dave.   
  
Dave Thomas: Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...   
  
Mewtwo: All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?   
  
Dave Thomas: Oh, never mind.   
  
Mewtwo: No, no, come on, I'm listening.   
  
Dave Thomas: Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...   
  
Lugia: Like me?   
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, like Lugia.   
  
Dave Thomas: No, not like Lugia. Somebody who reads.   
  
Mewtwo: Eneti has an education. A doctorate, it says so on his degree, right Eneti?   
  
Eneti: Show me your hiney!   
  
Dave Thomas: No, not like Eneti. Somebody who has an education...   
  
Eneti: Show me the hiney!!   
  
Mewtwo: No, he does have an education.   
  
Eneti: I wanna see it.   
  
Dave Thomas: Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...   
  
Mewtwo: How about you?   
  
Dave Thomas: What about me?   
  
Mewtwo: (does his psych-up move thing) You do it, I command it.   
  
Dave Thomas: (leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.   
  
Lugia: (backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")   
  
Dave Thomas: How do you feel about yourself, Mewtwo?   
  
Mewtwo: Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.   
  
Dave Thomas: Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?   
  
Mewtwo: (silence)   
  
Dave Thomas: Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?   
  
Mewtwo: You did?   
  
Dave Thomas: Let's go back to number 1 then.   
  
Mewtwo: Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.   
  
Dave Thomas: And as number 1...   
  
Mewtwo: A Number 1. The bomb.   
  
Dave Thomas: You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?   
  
Eneti: (offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!   
  
Lugia: Put your pants on!   
  
Dave Thomas: I mean, other than Lugia and Eneti.   
  
Mewtwo: (quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?   
  
Dave Thomas: (smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.   
  
Mewtwo: I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!   
  
Dave Thomas: I think you've been out here a little too long.   
  
Lugia: Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.   
  
Mewtwo: No.   
  
Lugia: It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.   
  
Mewtwo: No. It's cold. At the dumpster.   
  
Dave Thomas: It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.   
  
Mewtwo: Well, I like to dance.   
  
Dave Thomas: No kiddin'! Well, that's a start.   
  
Mewtwo: I mean... REALLY like to dance.   
  
Dave Thomas: Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage girls do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.   
  
Mewtwo: Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?   
  
Dave Thomas: Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Mewtwo. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.   
  
Mewtwo: Well, thanks Dave. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]   
  
Dave Thomas: Lugia, Eneti, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.   
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, Eneti, hop in the cruiser. We're gonna roll Earth.   
  
Eneti: No way, man.   
  
Lugia: Yeah, Dave and I are goin' out for a drink.   
  
Dave Thomas: Oh, am I?   
  
Eneti: Oh, me too, I'm goin' too. Right?   
  
Lugia: Yeah, don't you remember? I was talkin' about us goin' out? Uh, takin' Eneti maybe?   
  
Dave Thomas: (nods) I do.   
  
Lugia: Yeah.   
  
Mewtwo: (taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?   
  
Lugia: No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)   
  
(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Mewtwo is all alone)   
  
THE SHIN-RA HOLE  
  
STAND BY FOR SUPER CREDITS  
  
(Credits roll very quickly with nifty music)   
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
(Mewtwo is back at the Hole of Shin-ra, in his own hole)   
  
Mewtwo: It's a free country.   
  
Reno: Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?   
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, bring your punk ass over here and say that!   
  
Reno: I just did, and you didn't do anything!  
  
Mewtwo: I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.   
  
(One of the other turks is sneaking up on Mewtwo in inviso mode)   
  
Reno: (laughs)   
  
Mewtwo: What's so funny? (Elena jumps Mewtwo) Aaah!   
  
Reno: Yeah!  
  
Mewtwo: OW!  
  
X.X 


	13. Brilliant Number One

Brilliant Number One  
  
  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 [0]  
  
0  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
(Mewtwo, Eneti and Lugia in the commissary; M2 squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug)  
  
Mewtwo: (putting his head down) Idiot.  
  
Eneti: (clears his throat)  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs to himself)  
  
(Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; Rammstein's "Heirate mich" swells in background)  
  
Eneti: Hello?  
  
Lugia: (slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics)  
  
Mewtwo: DANNYYYYYYY!  
  
Lugia: (stares back wide-eyed)  
  
Mewtwo: Danny boyyyyyy!  
  
Eneti: (laughs quietly)  
  
Mewtwo: (in belch voice) Lugia doesn't have a work ethic.  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, it's great.  
  
Lugia: (stares back with big anime eyes)  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not gonna hurt yah.  
  
Eneti: Freak.  
  
Lugia: (still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek)  
  
MEWTWO: COAST TO COAST  
  
(Rammstein's "Wollt ihr das Bett in Flammen sehen?" is used as the opening theme)  
  
Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken  
Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken  
  
Rammstein!  
  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein!  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man?  
  
Lugia: (nods)  
  
(Studio hum is replaced by droning sound)  
  
Mewtwo: Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble?  
  
William Shakespeare: Her tongue will not obey her heart, nor can  
  
Lugia: (shakes his head)  
  
Mewtwo: Technical problems? Everything... fine.  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow!  
  
Lugia: Yeah! Gotcha!  
  
Mewtwo: (lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of...Viotron, The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun!  
  
Lugia: Eh, I beg your pardon?  
  
Mewtwo: You know, Viotron, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff.  
  
William Shakespeare: her heart inform her tongue; the swan's-down feather  
  
Lugia: Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back)  
  
Mewtwo: (studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine.  
  
Lugia: (stares back)  
  
Mewtwo: (his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah!  
  
William Shakespeare: That stands upon the swell at the full of tide.  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: (hits himself again) Ohh!  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: (hits himself again) Mmmph!  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Eneti: Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself like an idiot, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:)  
  
1  
  
Index:  
PARANOIA 559, 590  
  
Mewtwo: (hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril?  
  
Eneti: Heh... No!  
  
Mewtwo: (Hmmm, I fear the Zitron, The Subliminator has taken control of Eneti's mind.)  
  
Lugia: Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly)  
  
William Shakespeare: And neither way inclines.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice) Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Lugia with psy blast)  
  
William Shakespeare: II  
  
Lugia: (crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig.  
  
Mewtwo: That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk)  
  
Lugia: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: (writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name?  
  
William Shakespeare: But as I travailed hinder through the land.  
  
Peter Fonda: Peter.  
  
Mewtwo: Peter what?  
  
Peter Fonda: Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times...  
  
William Shakespeare: I find the people strangely fantasied.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh-kay, hotshot...  
  
Peter Fonda: Sir?  
  
Mewtwo: What's your real name.  
  
Peter Fonda: Peter Fonda.  
  
Mewtwo: (reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law.  
  
Peter Fonda: Hee hee hee.  
  
Mewtwo: Y'know what? You've got it goin' on.  
  
William Shakespeare: Possessed with rumors, full of idle dreams,  
  
Peter Fonda: What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger?  
  
Lugia: I have a booger? Where?  
  
Peter Fonda: (pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger?  
  
Lugia: Eh, where the heck would I have a booger?  
  
Peter Fonda: You see this, Eneti, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:)  
  
2  
  
Index:  
S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146  
  
Eneti: Hey, you gonna get me in trouble.  
  
Lugia: I just don't get it.  
  
Eneti: Stop it!  
  
Lugia: I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger?  
  
William Shakespeare: Not knowing what they fear, but full of fear.  
  
Mewtwo: Stop saying "boogers"!  
  
Lugia: (in background) Ah, @#$% bunnies!  
  
Peter Fonda: I'm sorry, Poké Man...  
  
Mewtwo: That's fine.  
  
Peter Fonda: I didn't mean to...  
  
Mewtwo: That's, that's nice.  
  
Peter Fonda: (pointing to Lugia) You know, they eat their...  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
Peter Fonda: Well, (makes eagle hand gesture and annoying caw sounds) to you too!  
  
Lugia: Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms?  
  
William Shakespeare: III  
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Lugia, please.  
  
Lugia: You're freakin' me out!  
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here?  
  
Peter Fonda: I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing...  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah yeah yeah.  
  
Peter Fonda: Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of big eyes on Mewtwo?  
  
(Hand with pencil appears on screen, erases Mewtwo's old eyes, and draws bigger eyes on Mewtwo)  
  
William Shakespeare: Momentary as a sound,  
  
Mewtwo: Ah! Me eyes. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.)  
  
Lugia: Draw him with huge buttocks!  
  
(Shot of Mewtwo standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks)  
  
Mewtwo: (What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake!  
  
William Shakespeare: Swift as a shadow, short as any dream,  
  
Lugia: (evil laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: (returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh!  
  
Lugia: Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks?  
  
Mewtwo: (glares back silently)  
  
Lugia: Hey! I'm talkin' to you!  
  
Mewtwo: You're evil.  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Peter Fonda: Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes eagle hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up...  
  
William Shakespeare: Brief as the lightning in the collied night,  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Peter Fonda: Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot.  
  
William Shakespeare: That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,  
  
Lugia: (opens his mouth, prepares Aeroblast)  
  
Peter Fonda: Watch it.  
  
Mewtwo: (gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone.  
  
Peter Fonda: Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know...  
  
Lugia: Who put that junk in your head!?  
  
Peter Fonda: Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Mewtwo bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me?  
  
Lugia: Answer the question!  
  
Peter Fonda: You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, Eneti, do you know what they are?  
  
William Shakespeare: And ere a man hath power to say "Behold!"  
  
Eneti: Shhhhh! Not now!  
  
Peter Fonda: (laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born."  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, I'd like to get some coffee.  
  
Eneti: Can this wait?  
  
Peter Fonda: You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?"  
  
William Shakespeare: The jaws of darkness do devour it up:  
  
Mewtwo: (looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood?  
  
Peter Fonda: I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years.  
  
Eneti: (at Mewtwo's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off)  
  
Mewtwo: What's your problem, dog breath!?  
  
Eneti: Get off my back!  
  
William Shakespeare: So quick bright things come to confusion.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh!  
  
Peter Fonda: Yikes!  
  
Mewtwo: (with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Chachi Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Viotron, The Polisher!  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) How's your butt?  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
RESUME TRANSMISSION  
  
Peter Fonda: Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit?  
  
William Shakespeare: IV  
  
Eneti: "Ant suit"?  
  
Mewtwo: (Wait a minute...)  
  
Peter Fonda: I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there.  
  
William Shakespeare: Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,  
  
Mewtwo: (I've heard all this before...)  
  
Peter Fonda: But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"...  
  
Eneti: What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:)  
  
4  
  
Index:  
Tryptophan 152  
  
Mewtwo: (How could I be so stupid?)  
  
Peter Fonda: There's mites all around me, Poké Man, get rid of them!  
  
William Shakespeare: Whith what I most enjoy contented least.  
  
Mewtwo: (Mites.)  
  
Eneti: Mites? Ewww!  
  
Peter Fonda: Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites!  
  
Mewtwo: (That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.)  
  
Peter Fonda: Eneti, get the lava. (monitor shows text:)  
  
5  
  
Index:  
Aversion Conditioning 602  
  
William Shakespeare: V  
  
Eneti: Uh uh.  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Mewtwo: Don't get the lava.  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Eneti: How about I forget it.  
  
Mewtwo: We don't need the lava, do we, Peter?  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Mewtwo: 'Cause you're not Peter...  
  
Peter Fonda: What the hey...  
  
Mewtwo: Are ya, Peter? (aims his fist at Peter)  
  
William Shakespeare: My heart is heavy and mine age is weak;  
  
Peter Fonda: Odin!  
  
Mewtwo: Necro Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs)  
  
Lugia: That's a, that's nice work, ya dumb clone!  
  
Mewtwo: Say what?  
  
Lugia: You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away!  
  
William Shakespeare: Grief would have tears, and sorrow bids me speak.  
  
Mewtwo: You're so naive.  
  
Eneti: Naïve.  
  
Mewtwo: Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?!  
  
Lugia: Eh...  
  
Mewtwo: I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours.  
  
Lugia: Okay.  
  
Eneti: It's "naïve"! (monitor shows:)  
  
6  
  
Index:  
Lie Detection 340-365  
  
William Shakespeare: VI  
  
Mewtwo: What about it?  
  
Eneti: (groans)  
  
Mewtwo: Okay, what's next?  
  
Eneti: Uh... Buzz.  
  
Mewtwo: Are... you sure it's Buzz?  
  
Eneti: You Buzz?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (in lower right corner of Eneti's monitor) Yes, I believe I am.  
  
Eneti: It's Buzz!  
  
Mewtwo: (quietly) Send him in.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (appears on studio monitor) Greetings!  
  
William Shakespeare: I tell my sorrow to the stones,  
  
Mewtwo: (long pause) So, why should I talk to you?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago.  
  
William Shakespeare: VII  
  
Lugia: (mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: A diving bird.  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:)  
  
8  
  
Index:  
Agoraphobia 563, 618  
  
William Shakespeare: Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow  
  
Lugia: Ooooh, no!!  
  
Eneti: Oooh, don't let the big old nasty meteorites get me, Lugia!  
  
Lugia: I'll protect ya, buddy!  
  
Mewtwo: So, "Buzz", if that's your real name...  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young...  
  
William Shakespeare: Creeps in this petty pace from day to day.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either.  
  
Mewtwo: I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz?  
  
William Shakespeare: To the last syllable of recorded time;  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Oh, you bet.  
  
Mewtwo: Did you ever look on the New Island? Where I live!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: New Island, I don't believe I have, what's it like?  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) It's no Moon.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"?  
  
William Shakespeare: All our yesterdays have lighted fools  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy?  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, play dumb!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy?  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, Aldrin! I'm a little smarter than that!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Well, that's obvious.  
  
William Shakespeare: The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!  
  
Mewtwo: Owww!  
  
Eneti: Now what? (monitor shows:)  
  
10  
  
Index:  
Representational ????sight 486  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, nothing. Just another villain!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Villains, oh.  
  
Mewtwo: It's been happening all night. They're ruthless.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable.  
  
William Shakespeare: Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player  
  
Mewtwo: Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Necro Confusatron.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (chuckles) No.  
  
Mewtwo: He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence.  
  
William Shakespeare: That struts and frets his hour upon the stage  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Oh. How can he do that?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: How can he get inside your brain?  
  
Mewtwo: You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Necro Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his psyblast)  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (moans)  
  
William Shakespeare: And then is heard no more. It is a tale  
  
Lugia: So, there were two Necro Confusatrons.  
  
Mewtwo: Obviously.  
  
Lugia: Riiight!  
  
Eneti: Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin.  
  
William Shakespeare: Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury  
  
Mewtwo: Yes sir. (monitor shows Mewtwo, with text:)  
  
11  
  
Index:  
Neuromodulators 136, 153  
  
Eneti: That's it, I've had it! You're wacked!  
  
Lugia: Yeah!  
  
Eneti: You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:)  
  
13  
  
THE END IS NEAR  
  
Lugia: BAM! You made up an enemy like a complete, braindead retard!  
  
William Shakespeare: Signifying nothing.  
  
Mewtwo: (sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators!  
  
Eneti: That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room)  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, run away, you Cresent Pretendinators!  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off)  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, run to Momma!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt?  
  
Mewtwo: You want some of this, Lugia?! Or should I say, Commander Improvimantitron?  
  
Eneti: Whatever.  
  
Mewtwo: Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo... (repeats during remainder of credits)  
  
Voice: Mewtwo!  
  
EPISODE 44a: Brilliant Number One  
  
Mewtwo: Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo...   
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
Mewtwo: (crack!) ... I don't know... 


	14. Gallagher

Gallagher  
  
  
1 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 [9] 0  
  
95  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
  
(Mewtwo, Eneti and Lugia in commissary, sipping coffee)  
  
Mewtwo: They've invented the telephone!?  
  
(Opening theme & titles)  
  
Raikou: Well, hello there, this is Raikou. Welcome to Mewtwo Coast to Coast. Tonight, funny man Bob Odenkirk, and his partner in fun, David Cross. Mmmmomma! Mmmomma, get in the cellar! Close all the shutters and chain down the cows! There's a comedy twister comin'! Here's Meeeeeewtwoooooo!  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Greetings, earth people, and welcome to a show from outer space! (last word echoes) I'm Mewtwo. Joining me tonight are comedians David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Eneti, I hear we have an extra special feature for the audience tonight.  
  
Eneti: Are you referring to the "Poké Time Quiz Fun 16000"?  
  
Mewtwo: And who's that with, Eneti?  
  
Eneti: Your host, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not lying when I say I'm really excited about this new feature. But we'll save that for later in the show. Let's get to know our contestants, shall we?  
  
(Drum roll & big band intro from The Legendary Birds)  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports to desk; David and Bob are on the monitor as it lowers) Welcome to the show, citizens.  
  
David Cross: Thank you very much. Mr. Mewtwo.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Thank you ever so much.  
  
Mewtwo: You're welcome.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Is it, what, is it Mr. Mewtwo, or can we just call you Two?  
  
David Cross: Or M. Two?  
  
Mewtwo: The Native Americans call me "Broken wind clap like thunder".  
  
David Cross: Okay.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Alright.  
  
Mewtwo: But you may call me Mr. Mewtwo.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Yeah, Mr. Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Now, which of you is which?  
  
David Cross: Oh, uh, I'm David Cross... (points at himself)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: And I'm Bob Odenkirk. Did I say my name right?  
  
David Cross: Yeah.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: God, it's a tough name to say.  
  
Mewtwo: How long have you had it?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I just got it. Uh, Bob Odenkirk.  
  
David Cross: It, it sounds good.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: But you know how I said it, I said "Baa Bodenkirk".  
  
Mewtwo: Don't worry about it, Baa. Eneti can fix it in the edit.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Hello, Eneti. I, just cut that out for me, will ya? Thanks, pal.  
  
Eneti: Too late, "pal".  
  
Mewtwo: Ever been interviewed by a Pokémon before?  
  
David Cross: Uh, this is my fifth, si- no, never.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: And I have never, ever, this is a real treat for me, and I've never even been to outer space before this. Unless you count some, uh, parties that I had in college. (laughs)  
  
David Cross: (laughs) Right on! (they give each other "five")  
  
Mewtwo: I know what you mean. At poké night school, we once had a mixer that lasted until ten PM.  
  
Lugia: Oh no, not the night school story!  
  
Mewtwo: I had fourteen cups of ginger ale, and wet my...  
  
Lugia: Stop!  
  
Eneti: Stop!  
  
Mewtwo: What, I wet my fold. I'm not ashamed, I was young.  
  
Lugia: You were in your mid-twenties!  
  
Mewtwo: I was quite the cut-up. I bet you two were class clowns.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I, David was a class clown, I used to just laugh at him.  
  
David Cross: But I was literally a clown, I used to come in to school with the grease paint, the wig, and the floppy shoes, and a (makes "horn honk" hand gesture & sound).  
  
Bob Odenkirk: A sad clown.  
  
David Cross: Yeah, sad, and I would go (sad voice) "Did somebody order a clown?"  
  
Mewtwo: So, what are your superpowers?  
  
Lugia: Who, me?  
  
Mewtwo: No, Dave and Baa.  
  
Lugia: Well, quit lookin' at me!  
  
David Cross: I have the power to tell when people are in trouble, very far away, up to, like, twenty miles away. But I don't have any other powers, so I have to run, or get a cab, or...  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Or just feel bad.  
  
Mewtwo: That's weak. Baa, how about you?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I crave, sweets.  
  
Mewtwo: Is that it? Those are measly little sissy powers! I saved the entire world from Team Rocket.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: God bless you, man. If we could, we would, but all we can do is make one or two people giggle a little bit.  
  
Mewtwo: And those one or two people will be giggling their way to Armageddon while you two jokers do your little "ha ha" act!!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (stunned silence, then laughs) What could I do? You invited me on this show!  
  
Lugia: Blast him!  
  
Mewtwo: (aims his fist at monitor) Alright, hunker down!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Eneti, uh, Lugia, what is the story here?  
  
Eneti: Take your medicine!  
  
Lugia: Blast the other guy too!  
  
Mewtwo: I can't, he's wearing glasses. That'd be like hitting a blind man.  
  
Lugia: Well, when has that stopped ya?  
  
Eneti: Go ahead, let him blast ya. It's really not that bad.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Hmmm. Whattya say, give me a psyblast? Take me out?  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, you want it now.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Would ya?  
  
Mewtwo: It kinda stings and gives a weird feeling in your body, are you sure?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Where do you want it?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Take me out right in the face, middle of the face.  
  
David Cross: I don't want it, what do I gotta do?  
  
Lugia: Keep your glasses on, four-eyes.  
  
Mewtwo: Here we go. (psyblasts Bob)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells, then gasps) Oh, holy, ho, gigi! Alright, one more.  
  
Mewtwo: Another one?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Yeah. All set.  
  
David Cross: Do I, do I want one of these?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I don't know, if you like to feel good, I don't know, you tell me.  
  
Mewtwo: (psyblasts Bob again)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells)  
  
Mewtwo: Ah well, to heck with the glasses, one for you. (psyblasts Dave)  
  
David Cross: Ow, no, I said no, I said no, please!  
  
Mewtwo: (stops) Oh, okay.  
  
David Cross: Darn!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Oh, mmm, it clears the sinuses.  
  
David Cross: You like that?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I can breathe. I can breathe for the first time in my life, and (sniff sniff) (to David) you stink!  
  
David Cross: I can't believe you could...  
  
Bob Odenkirk: You stink!  
  
David Cross: Well, I can't breathe! (talking with stuffed nose) You gave him my clear sinuses.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh no.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: And I have the brain of a chicken now!  
  
David Cross: You gave him my brain of a chicken!  
  
Eneti: And there's a swarm of beedrills flying around in my stomach.  
  
Mewtwo: Stop trying to improv, Eneti.  
  
Eneti: No, I mean it! They're stingin' my insides! Ow, ow ow, ow! (walks away from monitor)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (laughs)  
  
David Cross: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Ah, tell me, fellas, what makes you laugh?  
  
David Cross: Um, tickling, when I'm tickled.  
  
Mewtwo: Really?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: People fall down. Big people fall down.  
  
David Cross: Yeah.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Adult people fall down. That make me funny. Laugh. Ha ha.  
  
Mewtwo: So you're telling me if I walked over across the set, and fell down...  
  
Lugia: Do it!  
  
David Cross: Would you do it for us?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Would you do it for us, but act like you're not gonna, act real confident, and then fall down.  
  
David Cross: Don't tip it, let's watch.  
  
Lugia: Yes, let's all watch.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Alright, here we go.  
  
Mewtwo: (off camera) (hums, then noise of him tripping, yelling, and falling down)  
  
David Cross: (laughs)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: (laying on floor in front of his desk)  
  
David Cross: Oh!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Did you hurt yourself?  
  
Mewtwo: (still laying there, pain in his voice) Uh, yes, yes I did. Did, did you like it?  
  
David Cross: Yes!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Well, if it hurt, yes.  
  
Lugia: Do it again!  
  
Eneti: (laughs) Yeah! And this time, run across the floor with some scissors!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, yeah! And, and put a bunch of pencils in your mouth.  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know... Sounds kinda dangerous.  
  
Lugia: You think it would be, but it's not.  
  
David Cross: You know my motto, "If it hurts, do it."  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, okay. Lugia, help me up. Eneti, bring the scissors out here.  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
RESUME TRANSMISSION  
  
Lugia: (makes weird noises)  
  
David Cross: (makes noises & gestures back at Lugia)  
  
Lugia: (laughs) Oh yeah!  
  
Mewtwo: Dave, are you talkin' to Lugia?  
  
David Cross: Well, yeah, Lugia and I used to hang in public high school.  
  
Lugia: Yeah, I ???? him in gym class.  
  
David Cross: Buddy!  
  
Lugia: Ho ho, I gotcha!  
  
David Cross: Yeah!  
  
Lugia: I hear you!  
  
Mewtwo: You're lying! Lugia never went to school! I've got records on him since birth, and Lugia has never...  
  
David Cross: (angry) All right!  
  
Mewtwo: (grimaces at Dave)  
  
Lugia: Blast him!  
  
Mewtwo: (clears his throat) We're back with David Cross and Baa Bodenkirk. So now, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Uh, he's straight, and I'm gay. Wait! What did you ask?  
  
Mewtwo: I said, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?  
  
David Cross: You're talking about, oh, comedy. Oh, shoot.  
  
Mewtwo: Of course I am! (buzz!) What was that, are the muffins ready?  
  
Eneti: No, you idiot pokémon, it's time for the stupid game show segment!  
  
Mewtwo: You're right, Eneti. (game show theme music in background) It's time for (echo effect) Poké Quiz Time Fun 16000. (his face is framed with marquee lights and the words "POKé TIME QUIZ FUN 9000") With your host, Mewtwo. (music finishes; his smile sparkles) I ask you a question, but be careful. If you get it wrong, you get blasted. If you get it right... you get blasted.  
  
Lugia: I like this game.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, you're a contestant, too.  
  
Lugia: (stares back wide-eyed)  
  
Mewtwo: Ready, guys? (cheezy organ music plays in background, with timer ticking; Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: No.  
  
David Cross: We're gonna say "no".  
  
Mewtwo: I haven't asked you a question yet. (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Al-, also Franklin Roosevelt.  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong. (psyblasts him)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells a little)  
  
Mewtwo: Okay. Next catagory.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Next, uh, Mama's homemade recipes, for 300.  
  
Mewtwo: Mama's homemade recipes for 300 it is. What is the main ingredient in my mom's delicious cheeseburger pie? (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)  
  
David Cross: Jägermeister.  
  
Mewtwo: (buzz!) Right! It's ketchup! (psyblasts them)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells) Ah, man, you get addicted to that, you know what I mean?  
  
Lugia: No.  
  
Mewtwo: Zorak, I have a tattoo. What is it of, and where is it?  
  
Lugia: I don't..  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong! (psyblasts him)  
  
Lugia: (looking crisped, in a new way)  
  
Mewtwo: I got it in Panama City over spring break. Spring break, whoo! (burp!) Ooh, pardon me. You guys wanna see it?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Hang on a minute... (Mewtwo is off-camera; unzipping sound, with grunts and groans)  
  
David Cross: Oh..  
  
Mewtwo: There!  
  
David Cross: Oooh..  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Yai...  
  
David Cross: Not good.  
  
Mewtwo: (showing an indeterminate part of his body to Dave and Bob, try and guess what it is! ^__~) It's a cute little panda, swinging from a branch.  
  
Lugia: (low-throated laugh)  
  
Eneti: That's a hairy panda.  
  
David Cross: Not, not good.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Put the fold back on, thank you.  
  
Mewtwo: (puts his fold back on; cheesy organ music starts up again) Boys, we're out of time, thanks for stopping by.  
  
David Cross: Thank you, Mewtwo.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Thank you, thank you, hit me!  
  
David Cross: (making echo sound effect with his hands) Meeeeeewtwooooooo!  
  
Mewtwo: You want one for the road?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Hit me, one for the road.  
  
Mewtwo: Okay, here it comes. (aims fist, Dave and Bob brace themselves; he doesn't psyblast them) Psych!  
  
David Cross: Aw, what a bummer!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (pretends to be crying) Nothin'!  
  
David Cross: He messed with your head!  
  
Mewtwo: Double-psych! (psyblasts Bob)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells) Thanks.  
  
Mewtwo: (psyblasts Dave)  
  
David Cross: (puts his hands up) Oh, come on!  
  
Lugia: Do me too.  
  
Mewtwo: You hate these.  
  
Lugia: No I don't.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes you do.  
  
Lugia: C'mon! Give it to me!  
  
Mewtwo: No, now it's getting out of hand.  
  
Lugia: Come on! Come on!  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not blasting anyone anymore.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Aw, Twoie, Twoie old pal!  
  
Lugia: Oh, come on! Come on, do me!  
  
Eneti: Do me too!  
  
Lugia: You've never been blasted!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, yes he has. (psyblasts Eneti)  
  
Eneti: Yeow! (falls backward as the beam blasts through control room monitor; he lands flat on his back) Oh yeah! That's the one!  
  
Lugia: You're purposed ignoring me!  
  
Mewtwo: Yes I am. Bob, one more?  
  
David Cross: I don't want this to end on a bad note.  
  
Mewtwo: (psyblasts Bob extra long)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (yells a lot)  
  
Lugia: (in background) Jerk!  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (gasping) Oh, I love you, I love you...  
  
David Cross: Me?  
  
Bob Odenkirk: (still gasping) No, Mewzy. Twoie, I love ya. Do it again, what the...  
  
Mewtwo: Sick little puppies.  
  
Bob Odenkirk: Come on, my friend, (yells) I need it, I need to feel it, (yells) I'm gettin' a jolt, (yells)  
  
Eneti: (still laying on his back in control room) Oh, Mewzy. (laughs)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: I love you, man, I'd do anything for you, man.  
  
David Cross: (making "cut" gesture) Can we cut?  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Bob Odenkirk: What could I do? You invited me on this show!  
  
EPISODE 35 GALLAGHER  
  
(Bell rings) 


	15. Telethon

Telethon  
  
  
1 [2] 3 [4] 5 6 7 8 9 0  
  
24  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
  
AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT CONCERNING THE FUTURE OF   
MEWTWO: COAST TO COAST.  
  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings, citizens, I'm Mewtwo, with an important announcement to make. Ahem...(low voice) We're broke. (Cue sad violin music) That's right, the Mewtwo Talk Show is out of cash, so tonight, our regular show has been preimmunized for a special Mewtwo Telethon. If you love, or have ever loved me, or ever planned to love me in the future, I urge you tonight...please stay tuned. Pledge generously...to help keep the Mew alive!  
  
(Lugia and Eneti are sitting in the commisary)  
  
Lugia: So, whaddya gonna do if the show gets canned?  
  
Eneti: Oh, I got few irons in the fire.  
  
Lugia: Like what?  
  
Eneti: They're re-making "MacGyver", only this time...he's a woman!  
  
Lugia: What are you talking about, he was always a woman!  
  
Eneti: Oh, uh, I'm gonna get some coffee.  
  
Lugia: You don't have any ideas, do you?!  
  
Eneti: LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
Lugia: YOU LIAR! YOU MADE THAT UP!  
  
Eneti: LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
(Opening credits and titles, but on the screen)  
  
Mewtwo: You see, folks, hi-tech computer animation like this costs money. How much? I don't know, but trust me, it's one heck of a lot, and we're wiped cleaner than a dead-man's eatin' hand! (Teeth gleam) So I turn to you, the veiwers, in my quarter-hour of need. I know you folks will the numbers on the screen below, and pledge your undying support.  
  
CALL NOW!!! 555-CASH  
  
Mewtwo: Cuase you've got a jug o' love for me, and you're thirsty for what I got! (Makes kissing noises)  
  
CELADON CITY 555-GIVE  
  
Lugia: Eh, this is embarassing, even to me!  
  
Eneti: It's just so...wrong!  
  
Suicune: Ahem. A-hem!  
  
SUPPORT THE MEWTWO! 555-DEBT  
  
Mewtwo: Why look everybody! The Legendary Pokémon are here! They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls.  
  
Suicune: Yes, and every twenty dollar pledge r-r-receives a kissy-kiss from yours truly!  
  
Raikou: Really?  
  
NANTUCKET 555-IBEG  
  
Suicune: Yes, come over here, Ray! Come a little closer, I want to smell what you've been eating all day!  
  
Raikou: (Whimpers)  
  
Suicune: (Sniff, sniff) Liverworth! Divine! (Sniff, sniff) Oh, and thick sliced cross cut of Bolonga! How fragrent!  
  
HELP!!! 555-MOOLAH  
  
Raikou: Oh, you...  
  
Lugia: I pay 20 bucks to hear Suicune shut up!  
  
Suicune: And you need to get over yourself, lover!  
  
Mewtwo: (Pause) Our goal tonight is a mere 17 and a half million dollars!  
  
RUMYUNGYUNSONSON 555-PAYUP  
  
Suicune: Tell me, Mewtwo, you oafish lunkheaded clodpate, you tr-r-ruly beileve that you can r-r-raise that much wampum is such a paltry amount of time?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes indeedy! I'm putting my money where my mouth is!  
  
CALL THIS MINUTE!!! 555-GREEN  
  
Mewtwo: I'm going to start us off by donating the proceeds from the sale of three pints of my (echo effect) SUPER MEW BLOOD! (End echo) Eneti, let's go to the big board!  
  
Eneti: (Throws lever) (Numbers spin on the "DON'T GIVE UP the GASTLY" tote board, with the final total showing...)  
  
$00,000,036.10  
  
Mewtwo: (Subdued) Whoo-wee.  
  
SECTORS R OR N 555-BROKE  
  
Mewtwo: And I'm sure we'll be adding it up with our first performer. So make that pledge now, folks, while we bring on funny man Pete Michael!  
  
Mew: O-o-o-o-o-h! A-a-a-a-a-a-h!  
  
DON'T BE CHEAP! 555-BILLS  
  
Pete Michael: Thank you! New Island, how are ya, Mewtwo, very good to see you. It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen, you too, Lugia.  
  
Lugia: DON'T YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME!  
  
Pete Michael: But, uh, New Island, boy, this is somethin'. I can't beileve I got a flight up here! (rim shot)  
  
Mewtwo: (Laughs)  
  
ALTAIR IV 555-DOUGH  
  
Pete Michael: But, it's great to be anywhere, I tell ya, the club I was workin' at last week? Big Jehovah Witness convention at the hotel I wa stayin' at.  
  
Mewtwo: (Laughs)  
  
Pete Michael: And you know what I did? I went out after my show...What did I...Ah...sorry. (walks off stage)  
  
PLEASE, PLEASE CALL! 555-POOR  
  
Mewtwo: Well, now, wasn't that...Pete Michael, everyone!  
  
Celebi: MEWTWO, SOMEONE JUST CALLED, AND THEY WANNA DONATE A BILLION DOLLARS!  
  
Mewtwo: What's there name?!  
  
Celebi: Seymore Hiney.  
  
Mewtwo: Thank you so much, Seymore! Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.  
  
AREA 51 555-FUNDS  
  
Lugia: You idiot!  
  
Eneti: It was a prank call!  
  
Mewtwo: Uh...oh...I am now rescinding my thank you. Council, accept no more calls from the Hiney family. Eneti, next performer! Toot sweety!  
  
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! 555-GIFT  
  
(Russ is sent to the Studio)  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings, citizen Next Performer.  
  
Russ Powell: Greetings.  
  
Lugia: Arrr, 'tis a scurvy pirate!  
  
Mew: A-a-a-h! O-o-o-o-o!  
  
Celebi: He's not a pirate, stupid!  
  
Russ Powell: Actually, I'm dressed out of the Renaissance period...  
  
TINY HUT PEOPLE CALL 555-MONEY  
  
Celebi: A humanistic revival of art, literature and learning in Europe which occurred during the 14th through 16th centuries. Tell me something I don't know!  
  
Russ Powell: Can I show you some juggling while I'm here?  
  
Celebi: JUGGLING! OH BOY! DO IT! DO SOME JUGGLING!  
  
USE YOUR PHONE 555-BREAD  
  
Russ Powell: (Juggles three colored balls, accompanied by cheesy organ music)  
  
Mewtwo: Look, he's honestly juggling! Come on, folks, isn't this worth at least a few million?  
  
Raikou: Ooh, watch him juggle!  
  
(The big board total drops from $36.10 to $31.10)  
  
Mewtwo: Hey, wait a second, the total just went down five dollars!  
  
?AL SURE DE LA FRONTERA? LLAMA 555-PESO  
  
Eneti: I know, I just rented Barb Wire...I heard it's awesome.  
  
Celebi: Oh, I wanna see that!  
  
Eneti: It's rated "R", Celebi!  
  
Celebi: Aw, poop.  
  
(Gravity Man appears on the monitor)  
  
Eneti: Oh!  
  
Gravity Man: Greetings, citizens!  
  
Mew: O-o-o-o-o!  
  
Lugia: Obscene mating call!  
  
CALL, CALL, CALL! 555-BUSTED  
  
Gravity Man: Are you getting enough oxygen?  
  
Mewtwo: Look, Jason, I'm in the middle of my telethon right now.  
  
Gravity Man: You know, Kowalski, don't you think it's ironic that when I ask for money it's called begging, but when you drop to your knees it's called a telethon.  
  
DLROW ORRAZIB 8%$-&3P-555  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, how about that? Ain't that somethin'?  
  
Gravity Man: I got somethin' I can do for your telethon. How about I decorate your back window with a little of my special oil?  
  
Mewtwo: How about I throw corn on the floor and you pick it up with your mouth?!  
  
WE ACCEPT FOODSTAMPS! 555-PENNILESS  
  
Celebi: That's ok, Gravity Man, I'll do it, I like corn!  
  
Gravity Man: (Shakes his head) I'm outta here. (zaps off monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Um, uh, let's keep things moving. Uh, Eneti, how about another guest?  
  
Eneti: (Sends Bob and Robbie to studio monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for...  
  
Mew: O-o-o-o-o!  
  
HORSEHEAD NEBULA 555-SPEND  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, Bob and Robby!  
  
Dummy: Hey, how ya doin'?  
  
Mewtwo: Um, your little friend just, um, talked.  
  
Dummy: (to Bob) Little friend, who's he talkin' to?  
  
Lugia: IT'S A PUPPET!  
  
Mewtwo: A puppet! Did you say a puppet?  
  
Bob Abdou: Yes, puppet.  
  
COUNTERFEIT BILLS NOT A PROBLEM! 555-CHANGE  
  
Dummy: Puppet. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.  
  
Mewtwo: AAAAH! THE PUPPET TALKS! LUGIA! THE PUPPET TALKS!  
  
Dummy: P-p-p-p-p-p-p.  
  
Mewtwo: (Zaps them of monitor, Russ appears, holding three knives)  
  
Mew: O-o-o-o-o!  
  
Russ Powell: One, two, three, here we go. (starts juggling the knives)  
  
Mew: (Screams)  
  
DOTHAN 555-BUCK  
  
Mewtwo: Bless you, Santa, it's the juggler!  
  
Mew: (Continues screaming)  
  
Suicune: Oh, Mew, please continue that shrieking, because it can't possibly be more annoying!  
  
Russ Powell: (Still juggling knives) Now, I have a confession to make here, I have never really figured out a way to stop this. So, uh, any ideas?  
  
REMEMBER, NO $$$, NO MEWTWO! 555-STRAPPED  
  
Eneti: Uh, let it fall on your head.  
  
Lugia: Yeah, do that.  
  
Eneti: Mmm, that might be dangerous.  
  
MARS 555-ROCK  
  
Lugia: Hey, throw 'em up really high, and catch 'em in your mouth.  
  
Eneti: But be careful.  
  
Russ Powell: (still juggling knives) There we go.  
  
Mewtwo: (blasts Russ)  
  
Russ Powell: Oh! (drops the knives) I missed that.  
  
Mewtwo: Legendary Pokémon! Any calls?  
  
All Pokémon: No!  
  
YOUR GIFTS ARE TAX DEDUCTABLE 555-LOOPHOLE  
  
Mewtwo: Well, then, I guess we can take a break for some commercial messages.  
  
Lugia: Telethons don't have commericals!  
  
Mewtwo: And birds don't talk, Lugia, (switches to Lugia voice) SO WELCOME TO THE ASYLUM!  
  
Lugia: (Stares back wide-eyed)  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
START TRANSMISSION  
  
ASTRON DELTA 555-JACK  
  
Mewtwo: And we're back. Eneti, how are the phones?  
  
Eneti: Silent, like crabs.  
  
Lugia: Yes, like crabs.  
  
Mewtwo: (This is worse than the time you had to battle the Team Rocket battleships bare-bottom to the toenail factory.)  
  
SABRINA! PLEASE CALL! 555-PSYCHIC  
  
Mewtwo: (What can I do to save this turkey?) Legendary Pokémon... (Prepares his psy) Give me your money!  
  
Suicune: No! I shan't give you a sheckel!  
  
Mew: Oh no!  
  
Celebi: Ok, here's my allowance.  
  
Ho-oh: (Squaks and slams wing)  
  
HALE BOPP 555-HELP  
  
Raikou: You still owe me money!  
  
Suicune: (mocking) You still owe me money! You still owe me money! Ah, there it is again, the acrid putrocity of Raikou's chronic halitosis!  
  
Raikou: Hee hee!  
  
Suicune: SHUT THAT STENCH HOLE OR I SHALL GAG!  
  
Mewtwo: (None of this is real.)  
  
GIOVANNI PLEASE DO NOT CALL  
  
Pete Michael: (back on stage) New Island, how are ya? Mewtwo, very good to see you.  
  
Mewtwo: Pete Michael, everybody!  
  
Pete Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, it's reat to be here, good to see ya. You too, Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Feh...  
  
Pete Michael: But, man, New Island, finally, finally get to be on New Island.  
  
NOSTROMO 555-CREDIT  
  
Mewtwo: Phones are open, folks.  
  
Mewtwo: I can't believe I got a flight up here. (rim shot, by Articuno)  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs)  
  
Pete Michael: But, uh, God, I keep forgetting about that Jehovah Witness thing.  
  
THINK OF THE PICHUS! 555-MEW2  
  
Lugia: Nice try, freak.  
  
Pete Michael: I'm sorry, I was on my mark anyway. (walks off stage, then Bob reappears in the studio with an Elvis dummy)  
  
Dummy: Goodnight, oh-h-h-h!  
  
Mewtwo: Phones are open, folks.  
  
LITTLE GOTHAM 555-KWACHA  
  
Eneti: (looking at weather map on monitor) You see, these drops are falling between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big H, cause...that's where heaven is.  
  
Bob: Well, we can do "Viva Las Vegas", but we, uh, I have it on casette.  
  
$00,000,031.10  
  
GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS 555-PENCE  
  
Mewtwo: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to blast you, because we're not getting any calls, and you're the nearest scapegoat.  
  
Bob: Oh, ok.  
  
Mewtwo: (blasts them out of the studio) (Subdued) Well, what else can I say, except...ladies and gentlemen...  
  
NEW CHICAGO 555-KYAT  
  
Lugia: OH NO!  
  
Mewtwo: ...Pete Michael.  
  
Pete Michael: Thank you.  
  
Celebi: Oh, you're welcome!  
  
Pete Michael: Thank you, New Island, it's great to see everyone. Even you, Lugia.  
  
COMEDY AIN'T FREE, YOU KNOW 555-HAHA  
  
Lugia: Shine on, you crazy diamond. (rim shot)  
  
Pete Michael: (looks around)  
  
Mewtwo: Phones are open, folks.  
  
Pete Michael: Guys, we cannot pick up women in fast food restaurants. There is only one person who can pick up a girl at the salad bar at Burger King. That person, of course, is... (turns around, puts on wig.)  
  
KATTELOX ISLAND 555-ZENNY  
  
Celebi: Pete Michael! Pete Michael? You, Pete Michael! Pete Michael!  
  
Pete Michael: (turns around, wearing Kramer wig) Kramer, from "Seinfeld".  
  
Mewtwo: KRAMER?!  
  
Celebi: Oh boy, an impression!  
  
Raikou: You se, he's gonna act like Kramer from "Seinfeld", but he's really not.  
  
NO MORE IOU's PLEASE 555-ZLOTY  
  
Celebi: Aw, what a gyp!  
  
Pete Michael: (doing Kramer gestures and voice) Cucumbers. Roughage. Cool! So, can I buy you a pie? Aaaaa!  
  
HYRULE CASTLE 555-RUPEE  
  
Mewtwo: (In my head, where it's safe and warm, I'm making lots of money.)  
  
Pete Michael: ...Oh, yes. (phone rings in background) (normal voice) I've never done anything where absolutely nobody laughs.  
  
Eneti: Welcome to Mewtwo: Coast to Coast.  
  
WHAT'S THE HOLD UP? 555-NOW!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, they're laughin' alright.  
  
Celebi: MEWTWO! THERE'S A CALL!  
  
Mewtwo: Is it one of those Hineys?  
  
Celebi: Um...yes.  
  
LYTHION 555-JANE  
  
Mewtwo: Argh! THAT'S IT! I've had it with you people! I do this Hindenburg of a talk show each and every week and where does it get me? Humilation City, population 1! LISTEN UP, TV LAND! IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, I'm, gonna... um...SHOOT CELEBI!  
  
DO WE HAVE TO THREATEN YOU? 555-PAIN  
  
Celebi: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BAD! (sobbing) I don't wanna be shot!  
  
Mewtwo: What am I doing?! Celebi, I, I am sorry.  
  
Celebi: (sniffle) It's ok, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: IT IS?! Well, then!  
  
TRALFAMADORE 555-GIVEIT  
  
Celebi: No, wait! DON'T, NOOOOOO!!! (Gets blasted) Yeow! That's smarts!  
  
Mewtwo: There! See? See what you people made me do?!  
  
(A dramatic drum roll begins, the big board then begins a count down)  
  
All: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...  
  
CHECK UNDER THE CUSHIONS 555-NICKELS  
  
Mew: O-O-O-O-O!!!  
  
Lugia: HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
  
Mewtwo: WHOA, MAMA! Come on, come on!  
  
$XX,XX4,375.76...  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!  
  
$XX,X14,375.76...  
  
Mewtwo: YES! YES!!!  
  
$-814,375.76  
  
Mewtwo: (shocked) Wh-, wha, whu, but th-th-th-that's impossible, Eneti, because we...  
  
CINNIBAR (NO HARD FEELINGS?) 555-ISLAND  
  
Eneti: Well, the big board cost fifteen thou, and there's the added phone lines, teamsters, catering from Taco King. (credits roll) The blue screen of the comedian, that cost ten grand, plus he took a cab. The weather graphics, "Barb Wire" rental, the Pokémon's fees, and, oh yeah, that eighty thousand Ming dynasty vase that Celebi is about to knock over.  
  
Celebi: Dig this, Ming, I'm sick of your dynasty! (sound of vase breaking)  
  
(The room goes pitch black)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, what's going on?  
  
Eneti: Uh, they cut the power.  
  
Raikou: (Whispering) Hey! Let's all take off our skins! (snicker) Hee hee hee!  
  
EPISODE 55 TELETHON  
  
(Cash Register Sound)  
  
  
CONTACT VICIOUS PLANET  
  
(Internet Sounds)  
  
P.O. BOX: 650 Techwood Street, Saffron City  
Email: Vicious Planet @ PSN.com  
Fax: Vicious Planet 05296015  
Location: Saffron City, Kanto  
  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES 


	16. Flipmode

(Black screen, with caption: "SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC", with sonar "ping" sound in background. Fade in to darkened set; Mewtwo is looking out the window.)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, what's our depth?  
  
Eneti: (reading a book) Twenty thousand leagues, sir.  
  
Mewtwo: Take her to twenty-one.  
  
Eneti: Twenty-one?! But, why?  
  
Mewtwo: Because it's more fantastical.  
  
(Sound of someone banging on the bulkhead with a pipe)  
  
Mewtwo: Don't answer it. It's evil Doctor Reef.  
  
Lugia: I'm answering it.  
  
Mewtwo: Don't. If you open that door, we'll drown.  
  
Lugia: Oh, yeah? Good.  
  
(Lugia punches a big red button on the wall next to his keyboard. A door opens, and a driver-less forklift slowly drives in with a stack of lumber. It lowers the lumber by M2's desk and slowly backs out, complete with "backup" beep sound. There is a long pause, then suddenly, sound of crashing, general mayhem and alarms.)  
  
Mewtwo: My God! Wooden eels! Surface! Surface!  
  
(Eneti is in the control room, now with red emergency lighting. He throws his lever, and a Jolly Roger appears on his monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Speed up! No, not that fast! (pile of lumber slides across the stage) Slow down!  
  
Eneti: (throws lever again, a frowning "smiley" appears on his monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: I'm blacking out! (his voice echos, as his image becomes a flashing black and white outline, which fades away to be replaced by background of stars)  
  
(Return to lighted set. Lugia is lying on the floor with eyes closed, next to the lumber pile)  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia is dead! Murderer! (sound of crashing and mayhem again) Eneti, serve the first course!  
  
Eneti: Aye aye, Cap'n! Cole slaw, comin' up!  
  
Mewtwo: The only thing we can do now is eat. And bring out my first suspect.  
  
(Busta Rhymes appears on the studio monitor)  
  
Busta Rhymes: Thank you, Mr. Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Busta, Lugia's skull has been fractured. With what appears to be... (looks at pipe wrench that he is holding)... a wrench.  
  
Lugia: (wakes up) This dinner mystery sucks.  
  
Mewtwo: (jumps up and stomps on Lugia's head) Which was last in my hand. In the veranda. Where I was loosening the gas pipe.  
  
Busta Rhymes: (laughs) I see, Mewtwo.  
  
(Mewtwo and Busta laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: Is it possible we surfaced too rapidly?  
  
Lugia: (stands up, holding a script) Rrreah! That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. This whole thing sucks.  
  
Mewtwo: What are you not doing anymore?  
  
Lugia: This! The whole thing with the sub. We're not underwater. I knew this was a dumbass idea.  
  
Busta Rhymes: Oh, man, you'd better not play that game with me, Lugia could get a nice Jackie Chan chop right in the back of his neck.  
  
Mewtwo: Hang on, y'all. (reaches into his cape and pulls out the pipe wrench)  
  
Lugia: What's that for?  
  
Mewtwo: Do not (hits Lugia on the head with the wrench) disturb (hits him again) the judge! (hits him again; each time, Lugia yells "ow!")  
  
Busta Rhymes: Dang!  
  
Mewtwo: God, that was violent. I blame... the sea.  
  
Busta Rhymes: You need to give me... a pair of them psychic TM things you be running around the place with.  
  
Mewtwo: Why?  
  
Busta Rhymes: I'm gonna use 'em.  
  
Mewtwo: For what?  
  
Busta Rhymes: I might use 'em to zap you with 'em.  
  
Mewtwo: Okay.  
  
Busta Rhymes: Give 'em to me.  
  
Mewtwo: I will.  
  
Busta Rhymes: So let me have it.  
  
Mewtwo: I will.  
  
(Eneti walks onto the set carrying a bowl of cole slaw)  
  
Eneti: Where do you want this (M2 knocks the bowl to the floor, with a crash) ... Captain?  
  
Mewtwo: We're in silent running here.  
  
Eneti: (Laughs) Okay, fine.  
  
Mewtwo: (shouting) Eneti! We are in silent running! Do you understand the concept of silent running?  
  
Eneti: Eh, you want another one?  
  
Mewtwo: (whispering) Silent.  
  
Eneti: Okay, fine.  
  
Busta Rhymes: So what are you giving me such a hard time with giving the TMs?  
  
Mewtwo: What are you talking about? Eneti! Make a fire with these eels!  
  
Eneti: Aye aye, Cap'n.  
  
Mewtwo: (quietly) But be quiet. We're underwater.  
  
Eneti: No, man, we surfaced.  
  
Mewtwo: You handle the salads until you get killed!  
  
Eneti: You told me to surface, so... that's, that's what I did.  
  
Mewtwo: (walking back and forth) Now, wood pile, did you or did you not masquerade as eels and shock Lugia with that wrench? Answer me! Now what about these beans?  
  
Eneti: Those must have fallen out of my fur.  
  
(Mewtwo stares back in silence)  
  
Eneti: Well, you're just making all this [bleep] up?!  
  
(Mewtwo continues staring silently)  
  
Eneti: Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make [bleep] up?  
  
(Mewtwo continues staring silently)  
  
Eneti: (sighes) Those are part of the dinner.  
  
Mewtwo: No they're not. They're part of the plot.  
  
Eneti: They were on the menu.  
  
Mewtwo: Murder is on the menu. Look, bean prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?  
  
Eneti: That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.  
  
Mewtwo: Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas!  
  
(Mewtwo breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub")  
  
Mewtwo: Dive! Dive! Suck on the pipes! (klaxons sound)  
  
Busta Rhymes: Mewtwo is definately with it.  
  
(Mewtwo puts his head inside a broken pipe; his voice, and everyone else's, becomes high-pitched)  
  
Mewtwo: Hang on, Busta! We're going underwater.  
  
Busta Rhymes: All right, Twoie.  
  
Mewtwo: Okay.  
  
Busta Rhymes: You little freaky...  
  
Lugia: (stands up, groggy) Uhh, ahhh... what happened?  
  
Busta Rhymes: Doing that little funny thing, you'd better watch that, man.  
  
(Mewtwo hits Lugia five times with the wrench))  
  
Busta Rhymes: You don't play no games from the year 2000 and change.  
  
(Mewtwo walks up and hits Lugia three more times)  
  
Mewtwo: Look, I pieced it together. (Busta laughs) Lugia wasn't dead, but now he is.  
  
Busta Rhymes: Crazy Lugia, man.  
  
Mewtwo: And then you showed up.  
  
Busta Rhymes: Yeah, I know man, but, you know, you seem like a cool cat. You need to come and hang out with us so you can learn what that twitchin' is all about.  
  
Eneti: (Jumps up on M2's Desk) Hey, man, don't stand on the floor. The floor is spoiled. Like milk.  
  
Mewtwo: (Hinding behind desk) This is so weird, isn't it?  
  
(Busta laughs hysterically)  
  
Mewtwo: Hey... hey, Busta. Busta?  
  
Busta Rhymes: Yes?  
  
Mewtwo: (From behind Eneti) Remember when I licked the back of Jack's skull?  
  
Busta Rhymes: Jack? Who's Jack? Where... where did Jack come from?  
  
Mewtwo: I mean Lugia. Lugia was who I licked. No, wait, no, it was Celebi. Ah, nobody cares.  
  
(A second Mewtwo appears behind Eneti, followed by many more)  
  
Mewtwo 2: Hey, let's go outside and do the show in the woods.  
  
Mewtwo 1: Okay.  
  
(Cut to campfire in the woods)  
  
Busta Rhymes: I just think that this is, this... this, you know, this, the way the events have occured in the last year has been really disasterous for, not just people, but, you know, enertainment and, you know, many other things on the whole, and...  
  
Mewtwo: (normal voice) I'm not getting one good idea.  
  
Busta Rhymes: I think that if we don't start...  
  
Mewtwo: Let's go back inside where the gas is.  
  
(Cut to set. Busta continues laughing hysterically in the background. Mewtwo takes a deep breath)  
  
Mewtwo: Get up, Lugia. (Throws Lugia across set) The gas is giving me an idea. (everyone's voices become high pitched again) Everything I do and say should be recorded by cameras. Do you think that Walt would be interested in that?  
  
Eneti: (high pitched) Uh, Walt Disney's dead.  
  
Mewtwo: Who killed Walt Disney? (pause) With a wrench?  
  
Eneti: No one.  
  
Mewtwo: Walt Disney makes me sweat. Is he gonna sue us?  
  
Eneti: Walt Disney is dead!!  
  
Mewtwo: I know! My God, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hey, wood! (beat) We should build something.  
  
(Black screen with caption: "SEVEN HOURS LATER". Cut to set. Two boards are nailed together in an upside-down v shape. An extension cord is taped to one board.)  
  
Eneti: Wow. What's it do?  
  
Mewtwo: It's symbolic, Eneti. Things don't always have to do things. Now, help me plug it into the wall.  
  
Eneti: Look, uh, maybe we should just revive Lugia and talk to the guest or something.  
  
Mewtwo: What? And just leave the eels here? That's insane.  
  
(Lugia wakes up again)  
  
Mewtwo: What happened to you?  
  
Lugia: I was hit with a wrench.  
  
Mewtwo: (hits Lugia with wrench again) We have to get you to the hospital.  
  
(Cut to a rave atmosphere. Psychedelic lights flash in the background, silhouetting Mewtwo, Eneti and Lugia. Spotlights pan across the set. Loud techno music plays)  
  
Mewtwo: What kind of hospital is this?  
  
(Three fireballs rise in front of them)  
  
(Cut to Mew Mobile)  
  
Mewtwo: What kind of a hospital was that?  
  
Eneti: You just missed the turn.  
  
Mewtwo: Hold on, watch this.  
  
(Mewtwo steers the ship into a canyon. It bounces and flips end over end before finally crashing to a halt. Cut to view from inside Eneti's visor; we see Mewtwo with flames behind him)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, talk to me, are you okay?  
  
Eneti: No, ugh, I'm hurt.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.  
  
Eneti: Ugh, I'm passin' out.  
  
Mewtwo: We have to get you to the hospital.  
  
(Echo and fade to black. Cut to the produce section of a grocery store. Eneti and Lugia are lying on the floor)  
  
Eneti: Ugh. What's all this? Ugh...  
  
Mewtwo: You can pick anything. Pick anything you like.  
  
Lugia: I need toilet paper.  
  
Eneti: Ugh, I need some flavor ice.  
  
Lugia: And pudding.  
  
Mewtwo: Did you see the lights flicker?  
  
Eneti: (looks) No.  
  
Mewtwo: Look at it but don't blink.  
  
Lugia: (coughs)  
  
Eneti: What are we doing?  
  
Mewtwo: Wait, did it just do it again?  
  
Lugia: I'm gonna go.  
  
Mewtwo: It did it again.  
  
Lugia: Don't follow me.  
  
Eneti: Hang on, I'm going with ya. (hops after Lugia)  
  
Mewtwo: Not so fast. Roll call. Eneti.  
  
Eneti: Dead.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Eat me.  
  
Mewtwo: Buster. Where's Buster?  
  
(Cut back to rave scene. Busta is still laughing wildly. Cut back to supermarket.)  
  
Mewtwo: This seems like as good a time as any to welcome our first new sponsor.  
  
(A second Mewtwo walks in)  
  
Mewtwo 2: Natural gas.  
  
(A third Mewtwo is hiding behind melons, laughing. A fourth pops up behind the produce section.)  
  
Mewtwo 4: It gives you some ideas. (More Mewtwos appear, including M2 in a tennis skirt, from "Joshua". All of the Mewtwos laugh)  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
(Cut to set; we are looking at a heating duct)  
  
Lugia: (sounding far away) Shut up!!  
  
Mewtwo: Where's Lugia?  
  
Eneti: He crawled into the heating duct.  
  
Lugia: You snitch!  
  
Mewtwo: Why? I thought he couldn't fit in there! Turn up the heat.  
  
Eneti: (Pulls lever; ventilation fans spin up)  
  
Mewtwo: (staring at duct) Good. (walks over to opening in the duct) Lugia, get out here before I hit you.  
  
Lugia: No.  
  
Space Ghost: Eneti and I are out here doing my damndest to put on the best talk show possible. And you're balled up in here like a bigwhite protozoid slimer from Duke Nukem!  
  
Lugia: I ain't coming out, man.  
  
Mewtwo: How the hell you fit in here? (beat) Lugia.  
  
Lugia: I need to be alone.  
  
Mewtwo: Did you speak with the orb? Did you shrink?!  
  
Lugia: No.  
  
Mewtwo: Let me just touch your skin. (pulls out his pipe wrench)  
  
Lugia: No.  
  
Mewtwo: (knocks off the vent cover with the wrench and laughs) But now, it's time for you to come down and make America happy. (flies up into the vent opening)  
  
Lugia: Just get away!  
  
Mewtwo: God, it's hot in here.  
  
Lugia: Get out of here!  
  
Mewtwo: I'm stuck.  
  
Lugia: Get out!  
  
Mewtwo: I'm stuck!  
  
Lugia: Get out!  
  
Mewtwo: Look at me, Lugia, now I'm stuck.  
  
Lugia: (his eyes peering back from the darkness) Get out of here!  
  
Mewtwo: Are you happy?  
  
Lugia: GET OUT!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, grab my ankles and pull.  
  
Eneti: (pulls on Mewtwo's ankles) Just let go.  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, Eneti. Lugia needs to be alone.  
  
Eneti: You have to let go!  
  
Lugia: GET OUT!  
  
Mewtwo: Come over here.  
  
Lugia: Back off!  
  
Mewtwo: I'm gonna bite your head off.  
  
Lugia: Get out!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti!  
  
Eneti: Your boot came off.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, grab my ankles and pull!  
  
Eneti: I wonder if that's drinkable.  
  
Lugia: (starts speaking nonsense sounds, then his voice goes into a tight loop)  
  
(Cut to Mewtwo's living room. He and Eneti are watching the show on M2's tiny television screen  
  
Eneti: This goes on for a while. Like an hour.  
  
Mewtwo: But I got out, right?  
  
Eneti: Yeah... but then you got back in.  
  
Mewtwo: Did you get the part where I was Mewtwo, a Tribute to Freedom?  
  
Eneti: No, we recorded over that.  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Eneti: I mean, I couldn't find it.  
  
Mewtwo: (with sanded off face) Then what was the point of sanding my face off?  
  
FLIPMODE  
  
(credits roll)  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
(X).(X) 


	17. Curling Flowers Mew

Curling Flowers Mew  
  
  
Mewtwo: (yawns)  
  
Jerry Springer: (yawns) (Eneti throws the switch.)  
  
Eneti: Okay!  
  
Mewtwo: (waking up) Geez!  
  
Lugia: Ow!  
  
Eneti: We're outta time.  
  
Mewtwo: Okay.  
  
(Credits for "Brilliant Number Three - 44c" begin)  
  
(In Eneti's monitor:  
Guest Star Jerry Springer  
Written by Bill Faulkner)  
  
Eneti: And...we're clear.  
  
Mewtwo: Well, that wadn't very good.  
  
Jerry Springer: I'm sorry.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh no, it's all right. Really. You're just not very good.  
  
Jerry Springer: (looks confused) No. I'm loving...  
  
(The Vicious Street bell from the credits can be heard in the background)  
  
Jerry Springer: ...cuddly...  
  
Lugia: Ha-ha. You really mailed that one in.  
  
Mewtwo: Huh?  
  
Eneti: Aren't there usually questions and answers, or am I just wrong about that?  
  
Mewtwo: I just keep thinking about last week's show. It had everything. Action, girls, ni-jitsu sex...  
  
Lugia: Eruptions from your mouth...  
  
Mewtwo: Shut up, bird!  
  
Lugia: Pfft!  
  
Mewtwo: I'll spin your head off so fast it'll travel back in time!! (echoing) To a period when bugs wore suits and opened doors while saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please."  
  
Lugia: Um, I have no response to that.  
  
(In the monitor, Jerry Springer is making a goofy face)  
  
Mewtwo: It's like working with children, Jerry.  
  
Jerry Springer: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Giant ones.  
  
Jerry Springer: Well, are we surprised?  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Now, listen up as I tell the tale of 15 sexy Ni-jitsu minutes.  
  
(As Mewtwo echoes "Ni-jitsu," we flashback to him interviewing Sarah Jessica Parker.)  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Did you create the show?  
  
Mewtwo: By "create," you mean write, produce, direct and star in?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Then, yes. I created it for you. For Christmas.  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.  
  
Mewtwo: Mmmmm. WILD fantasies.  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: You have a... I don't know, something about you.  
  
Mewtwo: Would you like to have some of my sex with me?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh boy, would I.  
  
Mewtwo: Let's go.  
  
Lugia: (voice-over) Okay, this is a complete lie!  
  
Mewtwo: (voice-over) Shut up, Zorak! It isn't!  
  
(Flashback ends)  
  
Lugia: She never woulda...  
  
Mewtwo: We'll check the tape! We'll check it right after the show, buddy!  
  
Lugia: Show's over, genius!  
  
Jerry Springer: I wasn't told that this...is this a...?  
  
Lugia: And that's "jenius" with a "J"!  
  
Jerry Springer: This is an ambush show!  
  
Mewtwo: Your life's about over, diving bird!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Mewtwo: It's about over unless you shut up!  
  
Jerry Springer: I don't wanna be a guest on a talk show!  
  
Lugia: All right, but...  
  
Mewtwo: Say it! Say it again, pocket monster!  
  
Jerry Springer: I never wanted to be on!  
  
Mewtwo: Say what you just said!  
  
Eneti: Yeah, say it!  
  
Mewtwo: SAY IT!!!  
  
Jerry Springer: Whoa!  
  
Lugia: "Whoa!" is what America's gonna be sayin' when I spin his head off so fast, it'll travel back in time!  
  
Lugia: Blah, blah, blah, blah.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, you want the time-travel spinning head!  
  
Jerry Springer: Um...  
  
Mewtwo: Huh? Mister I'm-a-big-bad-pokémon-of-doom?  
  
Jerry Springer: Wha...?  
  
Mewtwo: Time?  
  
Jerry Springer: What does that mean?  
  
Lugia: He doesn't know! He's a complete retard!  
  
Mewtwo: It means there was a time when birds were obedient to their trainers and/or their masters. This clearly isn't that time!  
  
Lugia: Nope.  
  
Mewtwo: Now, where was I, Jerry?  
  
Jerry Springer: (sighs) I don't know, but we were kind of--  
  
Mewtwo: Ah, yes. The sex.  
  
Jerry Springer: Of course.  
  
(Flashback resumes)  
  
Mewtwo: As I moved in to enjoy the sex, terror rained down from the sky...  
  
(A ceiling tile hits Mewtwo in the head)  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (laughing) Oh my gosh.  
  
Mewtwo: Are...there...any bones...sticking out?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Um, I can't tell. You're hidden by a desk.  
  
Mewtwo: (voice-over) I was pinned. To the earth.  
  
Lugia: (voice-over) Pfft! By a freakin' ceiling tile.  
  
(Flashback ends)  
  
Mewtwo: Don't! Don't, Don't, Don't!  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: This was no ordinary ceiling tile, Jerry.  
  
Jerry Springer: Okay.  
  
Mewtwo: This was The Mavirck, C. Ling Tile!  
  
(Flashback resumes. A ceiling tile with two sprinkler and an air vent walks up to Space Ghost, who is still lying on the floor.)  
  
C. Ling Tile: So, X. We meet again.  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not X, I'm Mewtwo!  
  
C. Ling Tile: No, no, no. Correction: you ARE X! (He starts spraying water on Mewtwo's head) Sprinkler! Sprinkler!  
  
Mewtwo: No!  
  
C. Ling Tile: Ho-HO!  
  
Mewtwo: Tap water!  
  
C. Ling Tile: (laughs) Now I will freeze you! At 60 degrees! Cool air vent! Go! (starts blowing air on Mewtwo)  
  
Mewtwo: My weakness! Agh!  
  
C. Ling Tile: Go together!  
  
Mewtwo: He's lowering the temperature of my body!  
  
C. Ling Tile: Oh-ho-ho!  
  
Mewtwo: It's all right. Contact Facilities!  
  
C. Ling Tile: You...(bangs Mewtwo on the head)...deal with it!  
  
Mewtwo: Son of a...  
  
C. Ling Tile: Ha ha ha!  
  
Mewtwo: Time to hang, Tile!  
  
C. Ling Tile: Asbestos powder! (Start spraying powder in Mewtwo's face)  
  
Mewtwo: Agh!  
  
C. Ling Tile: Get up! Get up and face the powder!  
  
Mewtwo: No!  
  
C. Ling Tile: (sniffs) Mmmm! Mmmmm! Suck it in, Mewtwo! And prepare to die!  
  
Mewtwo: Not while I'm alive! Medical school!  
  
(Mewtwo summons a glowing ball of energy)  
  
C. Ling Tile: Hey! Stop!  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo has mastered the five ultimate magics!  
  
Mewtwo: May cause drowsiness!  
  
C. Ling Tile: No!  
  
Mewtwo: From your coffin!  
  
C. Ling Tile: You don't have to throw that!  
  
Mewtwo: Because you're dead! (Mewtwo throws the ball, causing C. Ling Tile to burst into flames)  
  
C. Ling Tile: Hey! That hurts! No! (Explodes into tiny pieces of debris)  
  
Mewtwo: Well, it looks like C. Ling will fit in perfectly in the roof of jail...from Heaven!  
  
Lugia: He sure will, Mewtwo!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, that's one tile that will never need to be replaced!  
  
Lugia: It sure doesn't, Mewtwo!  
  
Mewtwo: Shut up, Lugia!  
  
Lugia: (blink) (blink)  
  
Mewtwo: You make me sick.  
  
Lugia: I do, don't I?  
  
(All laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: Now, don't we have some sex to take care of?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (laughing) Yes.  
  
(All laugh again as the flashback ends)  
  
Mewtwo: That's how I defeated C. Ling without the aid of X, whoever he is, and then, of course, did sex. (pause) It was all action, Jerry. Magic and action.  
  
Jerry Springer: Unbelievable.  
  
Mewtwo: And yet, very true. And yet, very true.  
  
Eneti: You're insane! You never even took your clothes off!  
  
Mewtwo: Of course I didn't! It was sex!  
  
Eneti: That's some kind of sex!  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, I will spin your head so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere...with gravity.  
  
Eneti: What?  
  
Mewtwo: And you'll be dead!  
  
Eneti: Why?  
  
Mewtwo: Because you weren't alive back then.  
  
Lugia: Well, that ain't how I remember it - AT ALL!  
  
Mewtwo: What was that? Oh, the lying machine just turned on!  
  
Jerry Springer: Uh, tell me your story.  
  
Lugia: First off, I was lookin' real good.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, here we go.  
  
(Flashback to Lugia with a big black Gene Simmons-like wig and sideburns)  
  
Lugia: (voice-over) Anyway, Mewtwo was droning on and on about he packs for trips...  
  
Mewtwo: ...pairs of underwear. And I always bring one entire knapsack full of soap.  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Um, and you are?  
  
Mewtwo: Mewtwo.  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (laughing) Right. Uh, is your full name "Mewtwo Coast to Coast" or is it just "Mewtwo"?  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, I don't know. Hey! Want to see how high I can jump?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Hmm...  
  
Mewtwo: I can jump high! I can go real high!  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (laughing) No, I thought maybe you were joking.  
  
Mewtwo: Okay! Here goes! (takes off) Weeeeeeeee!!!  
  
(Sarah Jessica Parker hides her face in her hands as Mewtwo bounces around the studio)  
  
Lugia: (voice-over) That went on for....EVER! Luckily, Portland came by and picked me up.  
  
(We cut to outside GPI, where a spaceship with the Portal logo hovers to beam Lugia up. "Cool the Engines" starts playing in the background)  
  
Mewtwo: (voice-over) Oh bull!  
  
Lugia: They said they needed a keyboardist and I said, "I'm your man, er-bird!"  
  
(Lugia gets beamed up to Portland's space ship)  
  
Mewtwo: Aggh...  
  
Lugia: So long, suckers!  
  
(The Portland ship blasts off going at least Mach 4 in a blast of stars)  
  
Lugia: And off we went!  
  
Mewtwo: (singing) That's a lie!  
  
Lugia: They had this really cool ship! There was this whole freakin' city on a flyin' UFO guitar, powered by rock 'n' roll!  
  
Mewtwo: LIE!  
  
Lugia: Portland rocks!  
  
Mewtwo: And where did your friends, Portland, take you?  
  
Lugia: They were on their way to populate a new world where everyone would just rock forever!  
  
Mewtwo: That a LIE!!!  
  
Lugia: All right! Who wants to ROCK?! There was not a life form we didn't rock. (The Portland ship streaks across the horizons of several planets where various creatures "rock out" to their irresistable heavy Portland sound) Is everybody ready to rock?! Yeah! Play some guitar!! Catch it! Man and bird, rocking side-by-side. We're gonna rock your face! Ow! Who's ready to ROCK 'N' ROLL?!? Me and Portland: just like that. We rocked everyone we met. Oh god, it was beautiful. And when they were all rocked out, they dropped me off at home. THANKS, PORTLAND! THAT ROCKED!! HEY PORTLAND! KEEP ON ROCKIN'!!  
  
(The Portland ship departs after dropping Lugia off)  
  
Lugia: Those guys know how to rock. (Mewtwo is still bouncing around the studio)  
  
Mewtwo: Like G.I. Joe! With his pants blown off! In the war! Aggh! Incoming! (Mewtwo lands head-first behind his desk)  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (laughing)  
  
Mewtwo: See that? I touched the ceiling!  
  
(A ceiling tile hits Mewtwo in the head)  
  
Lugia: And that's when you started cryin' for Momma!  
  
Mewtwo: (crying) Mom-maaaaaa!!! (voice-over) I wasn't saying "Momma," I was saying, "Trauma." Like the kind I was about to dish out.  
  
(Flashback ends)  
  
Mewtwo: I was announcing it before-hand.  
  
Lugia: To your Momma.  
  
Mewtwo: Besides, if I cried, it was because of ni-jitsu lasers...and starvation.  
  
(Pause)  
  
Jerry Springer: Why don't you explain that?  
  
Lugia: Yeah, explain it.  
  
Mewtwo: This is all a damned lie!  
  
Jerry Springer: Um...  
  
Mewtwo: Don't listen to him, Jerry! I'll blow your brains clear into that river bank, Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Yeah, sure you will. (drinks from his coffee mug)  
  
Jerry Springer: But you were friends. Why would you do that?  
  
Lugia: Why are you always trying to get ahead of me, bird?  
  
Eneti: You're all lyin'!  
  
Jerry Springer: Oh. Eneti!  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, Jerry. Eneti.  
  
(Flashback starts)  
  
Eneti: First of all, I had the beautiful rock hair.  
  
(Now Eneti has the long, Gene Simmons hair with a black-and-white striped loverboy head-band. He reads a book)  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo was in the thing, talking to... someone.  
  
(Cut to the set, where the guest monitor shows a toy monkey playing the cymbals. The ceiling tile falls in slow motion.)  
  
Mewtwo: (in slow motion) Oh no!  
  
(Eneti switches the screen to various static-filled screens and test patterns)  
  
Eneti: I had everything under control, as usual. When all of the sudden...  
  
Voice: (whispering) Psst! Hey buddy!  
  
Eneti: Who said that?  
  
Voice: Me.  
  
(A red sports car pulls up to Eneti and crashed into the control console)  
  
Eneti: Where's the driver?  
  
Car: I'm a talking car.  
  
Eneti: Why are you here?  
  
Car: Why is anyone here?  
  
(The car backs out of the control room)  
  
Eneti: Whoa.  
  
(Flashback ends)  
  
Eneti: And that was when I decided I just need to spent a lot more time in church.  
  
(The group stares silently)  
  
Mewtwo: A talking car. Really.  
  
Eneti: No, you know what? I told it wrong. I had broken my lungs, that's what it was. And I was in the process of gluing them back together. So there I am..  
  
(Flashback resumes)  
  
Eneti: ...and I start hearing this scary piano music. (scary piano music in background) So I turn around and there's this guy standing there.  
  
(A clown is standing behind Eneti. He's holding a sharp object.)  
  
Eneti: And he's wearing this mask, and I'm like, "What's up with that?" And he's got this knife, and he just starts coming at me, and the knife's like going, "Drrrvvv! Drrrvvvv! Drrrrvv!"  
  
(Flashback ends)  
  
Lugia: You mean, uh, Michael Myers?  
  
Eneti: Oh, you know him? 'Cause he was coming right at me.  
  
Lugia: Yeah. He's in this movie - "HALLOWEEN!" The one I loaned to you A YEAR AGO! MY movie, remember?!  
  
Eneti: Okay, all right, okay. So maybe it was a movie. I guess I was watching it with some of my friends.  
  
Lugia: Pfft!  
  
Eneti: I don't know if you know 'em. They're the rock band Portland?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know them.  
  
Lugia: He doesn't know 'em. Look at his face! He's lyin'!  
  
Eneti: I'm not lyin'!  
  
Jerry Springer: Oh gosh.  
  
Eneti: Truth is relative, Lugia!  
  
Lugia: Especially when you're lyin'!  
  
Jerry Springer: Um...  
  
Eneti: The trueness of one's truth, Lugia, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies.  
  
Lugia: What?  
  
Jerry Springer: Um...  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, Lugia. Everyone knows that to be true. And you're dumb for not knowing that.  
  
Lugia: What?  
  
Jerry Springer: I have to be going soon.  
  
Mewtwo: (chuckles) As Eneti clearly said, the vascular...  
  
Lugia: Say it.  
  
Mewtwo: You know if you couldn't understand the first time, I shouldn't have to waste my mouth saying it again.  
  
Jerry Springer: It's not like I have another job or...  
  
Lugia: Saying what again?  
  
Eneti: Yeah, what are you saying?  
  
Mewtwo: What I'm saying...  
  
Eneti: That's not what I said.  
  
Mewtwo: What I'm saying...  
  
Eneti: Bee-otch!  
  
Mewtwo: What I'm saying is... saying things are not relative.  
  
Jerry Springer: This can't be during your sweeps.  
  
Mewtwo: And that, my friends, is the only truth.  
  
Jerry Springer: Is there an end to any of this?  
  
Mewtwo: The other truth... is that I totally did sex with that girl.  
  
Jerry Springer: Okay.  
  
Mewtwo: Because I did.  
  
Jerry Springer: Good.  
  
Mewtwo: I completely dodily-did.  
  
Jerry Springer: Yes!  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, I think you can say the two of us did that activity.  
  
Eneti: Oh, and Lugia?  
  
Mewtwo: There was a performance...  
  
Eneti: I totally hung out with Portland.  
  
(In the guest monitor, Jerry Springer has gotten out of his chair)  
  
Mewtwo: ...at the theater, if you catch my drift.  
  
Jerry Springer: (into his lapel mic) Hey thanks, guys!  
  
(Mewtwo continues under the credits)  
  
CURLING FLOWERS MEW: Episode 112  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Mewtwo: And we worked it from the balcony to below.  
  
Jerry Springer: Nice talking with you. Bye-bye.  
  
(Credits continue to roll)  
  
C. Ling Tile: Ho-HO!  
  
(Bell tone from MARK IV PRODUCTIONS plays in background with logo:)  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES 


	18. Brilliant Number Two

Brilliant Number Two  
  
  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 [0]  
  
0  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
(Mewtwo, Eneti and Lugia in the commissary; M2 squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug)  
  
Mewtwo: (putting his head down) Idiot.  
  
Eneti: (clears his throat)  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs to himself)  
  
(Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; Rammstein's "Heirate mich" swells in background)  
  
Eneti: Hello?  
  
Lugia: (slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics)  
  
Mewtwo: DANNYYYYYYY!  
  
Lugia: (stares back wide-eyed)  
  
Mewtwo: Danny boyyyyyy!  
  
Eneti: (laughs quietly)  
  
Mewtwo: (in belch voice) Lugia doesn't have a work ethic.  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, it's great.  
  
Lugia: (stares back with big anime eyes)  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not gonna hurt yah.  
  
Eneti: Freak.  
  
Lugia: (still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek)  
  
MEWTWO: COAST TO COAST  
  
(Rammstein's "Wollt ihr das Bett in Flammen sehen?" is used as the opening theme)  
  
Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken  
Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken  
  
Rammstein!  
  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein,  
Rammstein!  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports in) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man?  
  
Lugia: (nods)  
  
(Studio hum is replaced by droning sound)  
  
Mewtwo: Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: The silence has been broken.  
  
Lugia: (shakes his head)  
  
Mewtwo: Technical problems? Everything... fine.  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow!  
  
Lugia: Yeah! Gotcha!  
  
Mewtwo: (lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of...Viotron, The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun!  
  
Lugia: Eh, I beg your pardon?  
  
Mewtwo: You know, Viotron, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: A soul must be revived.  
  
Lugia: Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back)  
  
Mewtwo: (studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine.  
  
Lugia: (stares back)  
  
Mewtwo: (his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: An idiot would know better than to do this.  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: (hits himself again) Ohh!  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Mewtwo: (hits himself again) Mmmph!  
  
Lugia: BAM!  
  
Eneti: Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself like an idiot, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:)  
  
1  
  
Index:  
PARANOIA 559, 590  
  
Mewtwo: (hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril?  
  
Eneti: Heh... No!  
  
Mewtwo: (Hmmm, I fear the Zitron, The Subliminator has taken control of Eneti's mind.)  
  
Lugia: Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Which may bring horrid nightmares unto you.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice) Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Lugia with psy blast)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: We've all stepped in s**t like this.  
  
Lugia: (crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig.  
  
Mewtwo: That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk)  
  
Lugia: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: (writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Yet, we do not care about it.  
  
Peter Fonda: Peter.  
  
Mewtwo: Peter what?  
  
Peter Fonda: Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times...  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: FOX TV brought melee like no other.   
  
Mewtwo: Oh-kay, hotshot...  
  
Peter Fonda: Sir?  
  
Mewtwo: What's your real name.  
  
Peter Fonda: Peter Fonda.  
  
Mewtwo: (reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law.  
  
Peter Fonda: Hee hee hee.  
  
Mewtwo: Y'know what? You've got it goin' on.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Like "Cops".  
  
Peter Fonda: What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger?  
  
Lugia: I have a booger? Where?  
  
Peter Fonda: (pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger?  
  
Lugia: Eh, where the heck would I have a booger?  
  
Peter Fonda: You see this, Eneti, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:)  
  
2  
  
Index:  
S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146  
  
Eneti: Hey, you gonna get me in trouble.  
  
Lugia: I just don't get it.  
  
Eneti: Stop it!  
  
Lugia: I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: They grow weary after five seasons.  
  
Mewtwo: Stop saying "boogers"!  
  
Lugia: (in background) Ah, @#$% bunnies!  
  
Peter Fonda: I'm sorry, Poké Man...  
  
Mewtwo: That's fine.  
  
Peter Fonda: I didn't mean to...  
  
Mewtwo: That's, that's nice.  
  
Peter Fonda: (pointing to Lugia) You know, they eat their...  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
Peter Fonda: Well, (makes eagle hand gesture and annoying caw sounds) to you too!  
  
Lugia: Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: And their shows contain so much nudity...  
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) Lugia, please.  
  
Lugia: You're freakin' me out!  
  
Mewtwo: (in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here?  
  
(Phone starts ringing)  
  
Peter Fonda: I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing...  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah yeah yeah.  
  
Peter Fonda: Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of big eyes on Mewtwo?  
  
(Hand with pencil appears on screen, erases Mewtwo's old eyes, and draws bigger eyes on Mewtwo)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Why the f*** would I care?  
  
Mewtwo: Ah! Me eyes. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.)  
  
Lugia: Draw him with huge buttocks!  
  
(Shot of Mewtwo standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks)  
  
Mewtwo: (What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: We fear our worst nightmares, but...  
  
Lugia: (evil laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: (returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh!  
  
Lugia: Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks?  
  
Mewtwo: (glares back silently)  
  
Lugia: Hey! I'm talkin' to you!  
  
Mewtwo: You're evil.  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Peter Fonda: Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes eagle hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up...  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: They fear us, too.  
  
Lugia: (laughs)  
  
Peter Fonda: Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here!  
  
Mewtwo: Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: A dream is not real, but soon, it will be a reality.  
  
Lugia: (opens his mouth, prepares Aeroblast)  
  
Peter Fonda: Watch it.  
  
Mewtwo: (gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone.  
  
Peter Fonda: Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know...  
  
Lugia: Who put that junk in your head!?  
  
Peter Fonda: Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Mewtwo bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me?  
  
Lugia: Answer the question!  
  
Peter Fonda: You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born.  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, Eneti, do you know what they are?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Therefore, praise what the future may hold.  
  
Eneti: Shhhhh! Not now!  
  
Peter Fonda: (laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born."  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, I'd like to get some coffee.  
  
Eneti: Can this wait?  
  
Peter Fonda: You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?"  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: My dream is too rule the universe...  
  
Mewtwo: (looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood?  
  
Peter Fonda: I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years.  
  
Eneti: (at Mewtwo's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off)  
  
Mewtwo: What's your problem, dog breath!?  
  
Eneti: Get off my back!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: ...and too drink cokes.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh!  
  
Peter Fonda: Yikes!  
  
Mewtwo: (with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Chachi Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Viotron, The Polisher!  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) How's your butt?  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
RESUME TRANSMISSION  
  
Peter Fonda: Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit?  
  
(Phone starts ringing again)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: One man, one woman...  
  
Eneti: "Ant suit"?  
  
Mewtwo: (Wait a minute...)  
  
Peter Fonda: I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: ...one life in the making...  
  
Mewtwo: (I've heard all this before...)  
  
Peter Fonda: But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"...  
  
Eneti: What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:)  
  
4  
  
Index:  
Tryptophan 152  
  
Mewtwo: (How could I be so stupid?)  
  
Peter Fonda: There's mites all around me, Poké Man, get rid of them!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: They meet, they love, they make life.  
  
Mewtwo: (Mites.)  
  
Eneti: Mites? Ewww!  
  
Peter Fonda: Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites!  
  
Mewtwo: (That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.)  
  
Peter Fonda: Eneti, get the lava. (monitor shows text:)  
  
5  
  
Index:  
Aversion Conditioning 602  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Therefore, I am NOT interested.  
  
Eneti: Uh uh.  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Mewtwo: Don't get the lava.  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Eneti: How about I forget it.  
  
Mewtwo: We don't need the lava, do we, Peter?  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) Uh uh.  
  
Mewtwo: 'Cause you're not Peter...  
  
Peter Fonda: What the hey...  
  
Mewtwo: Are ya, Peter? (aims his fist at Peter)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: My brain screams "f*** you, b****!"  
  
Peter Fonda: Odin!  
  
Mewtwo: Necro Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs)  
  
Lugia: That's a, that's nice work, ya dumb clone!  
  
Mewtwo: Say what?  
  
Lugia: You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Now I ask, where has my mind gone?  
  
Mewtwo: You're so naive.  
  
Eneti: Naïve.  
  
Mewtwo: Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?!  
  
Lugia: Eh...  
  
Mewtwo: I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours.  
  
Lugia: Okay.  
  
Eneti: It's "naïve"! (monitor shows:)  
  
6  
  
Index:  
Lie Detection 340-365  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: As Edward Kowalzyck would say...  
  
Mewtwo: What about it?  
  
Eneti: (groans)  
  
Mewtwo: Okay, what's next?  
  
Eneti: Uh... Buzz.  
  
Mewtwo: Are... you sure it's Buzz?  
  
Eneti: You Buzz?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (in lower right corner of Eneti's monitor) Yes, I believe I am.  
  
Eneti: It's Buzz!  
  
Mewtwo: (quietly) Send him in.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (appears on studio monitor) Greetings!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: "They're p***ing in the mainstream."  
  
Mewtwo: (long pause) So, why should I talk to you?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Where is this 'Mainstream'?  
  
Lugia: (mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: A diving bird.  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:)  
  
8  
  
Index:  
Agoraphobia 563, 618  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Day in and day out, I feel confused.  
  
Lugia: Ooooh, no!!  
  
Eneti: Oooh, don't let the big old nasty meteorites get me, Lugia!  
  
Lugia: I'll protect ya, buddy!  
  
Mewtwo: So, "Buzz", if that's your real name...  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young...  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: When the night comes, I feel alive again.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either.  
  
Mewtwo: I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: The gothics ask me when will I join them?  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Oh, you bet.  
  
Mewtwo: Did you ever look on the New Island? Where I live!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: New Island, I don't believe I have, what's it like?  
  
Lugia: (off-camera) It's no Moon.  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: I say...  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy?  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, play dumb!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy?  
  
Mewtwo: Come on, Aldrin! I'm a little smarter than that!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Well, that's obvious.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: "Your experiences with death does not inspire me to join your cult!"  
  
Mewtwo: Owww!  
  
Eneti: Now what? (monitor shows:)  
  
10  
  
Index:  
Representational ????sight 486  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, nothing. Just another villain!  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Villains, oh.  
  
Mewtwo: It's been happening all night. They're ruthless.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Television can not brainwash use, nor can I.  
  
Mewtwo: Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Necro Confusatron.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (chuckles) No.  
  
Mewtwo: He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: All but a damn lie.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: Oh. How can he do that?  
  
Mewtwo: I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now.  
  
Buzz Aldrin: How can he get inside your brain?  
  
Mewtwo: You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Necro Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his psyblast)  
  
Buzz Aldrin: (moans)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: To tell the tale is like Hell.  
  
Lugia: So, there were two Necro Confusatrons.  
  
Mewtwo: Obviously.  
  
Lugia: Riiight!  
  
Eneti: Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Who am I?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes sir. (monitor shows Mewtwo, with text:)  
  
11  
  
Index:  
Neuromodulators 136, 153  
  
Eneti: That's it, I've had it! You're wacked!  
  
Lugia: Yeah!  
  
Eneti: You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:)  
  
13  
  
THE END IS NEAR  
  
Lugia: BAM! You made up an enemy like a complete, braindead retard!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: "The world needs people like you." These are the words of Live.  
  
Mewtwo: (sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators!  
  
Eneti: That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room)  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, run away, you Cresent Pretendinators!  
  
Eneti: Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off)  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, run to Momma!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt?  
  
Mewtwo: You want some of this, Lugia?! Or should I say, Commander Improvimantitron?  
  
Eneti: Whatever.  
  
(Phone rings during remainder of credits)  
  
Voice: Hello? (hangs up phone)  
  
EPISODE 44b: Brilliant Number Two  
  
(Phone starts ringing again)  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
Mewtwo: (crack!) ... I don't know... 


	19. Boatshow

Boatshow  
  
  
Disclaimer: I have to put this in for one reason, when you read Vicious Mewtwo's 70th Fanfiction Anniversary Spectacular Whatever, please note that this episode was used to parody it. Thank you and enjoy Mewtwo: Coast to Coast Episode 54 "Boatshow"!  
  
  
1 [2] 3 4 5 [6] 7 8 9 0  
  
26  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
(Orchestra version of "Hit Single" theme, with snappy new graphics, and following titles:)  
  
Vicious Planet Industries  
Presents  
  
O COAST  
TO COAST!  
  
Starring  
MEWTWO  
  
Co-starring  
LUGIA  
And  
ENETI  
  
Featuring  
CELEBI  
And  
SUICUNE  
  
Special Guests  
STEVE ALLEN  
  
And  
ANDY DICK   
  
  
Mewtwo: (fade in) Greetings! I am Mewtwo! My first guest tonight is the incredible, the incomparable Steve Allen! (pause) Steve Allen? Is that right, Eneti?  
  
Eneti: (piano intro plays in background) Yep, that's right. We got Steve Allen.  
  
Mewtwo: (sings:)  
Oh my, I can't believe my ears,  
I have waited for this moment for years.  
How can this be?  
Steve Allen's gonna talk to me?  
Steve Allen!  
  
Lugia: Steve Allen?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, Lugia, Steve Allen!  
Why, he's the greatest talk show host,  
From Atlantic to Pacific coast,  
I really do not mean to boast,  
That we've got Steve Allen.  
  
Eneti: Hey, I got Steve Allen!  
I twisted arms, I threatened harm,  
In galaxies, I caused alarm,  
Made many agents buy the farm,  
Just to get you Steve Allen!  
  
(Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
HOLLYWOOD PALACE  
  
Lugia: He's got you, M2, give him credit,  
He doesn't just direct and edit,  
Eneti needs to have some credi-i-i-it!  
  
Mewtwo: Okay Eneti, Lugia's right,  
I do not want to start a fight,  
But if you cross me I just might  
Pull Steve Allen!  
  
Lugia & Eneti: Steve Allen?!  
  
Mewtwo: I can't believe we got Steve Allen!  
  
All: Steve Allen! (music ends)  
  
Audience: (applause)  
  
Mewtwo: Wow, Eneti, how'd you score Steve Allen anyway?  
  
Eneti: (reading a book) I threatened to give his manager a third degree burn.  
  
Lugia: Bonus!  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, play me to the desk. Something.. snappy!  
  
Lugia: (sighs, then sings:)  
Oh, I am but a diving bird,  
So evil and so mean,  
Forced into this position,  
Is it because I'm pale green?  
  
Mewtwo: (invisos to desk, then sings)  
  
Oh, I did not imprison you  
For the color of your skin.  
You see, Lugia, I'm colorblind,  
What's outside doesn't count,  
True evil's from withi-i-i-i-i-in!  
  
Lugia: Oh, I can see so clearly now,  
You've taught me quite a lesson.  
Oh, thank you, thank you, Mewtwo-o-o-o-o,  
You truly are a blessin'.  
  
Mewtwo: (spoken) Aw, Lugia, that's sweet.  
  
Eneti: Uh, I'm gonna vomit! (music ends)  
  
Audience: (applause)  
  
Lugia: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much! Thank you!  
  
Steve Allen: (on control room monitor) (hums and bops) I was just talkin' to some of my friends on the street. (Moltar's monitor says:)  
  
SAT 3  
144 NW  
  
TRY THE VEAL  
  
Eneti: Uh huh. Uh, hey, hey there.  
  
Steve Allen: Is that Mewtwo?  
  
Eneti: Uh, yes, it is I, Mewtwo. (snickers) It, it's an honor to have you on the show. (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
SAT 3.14  
144 NW  
  
DUMBTH  
  
Eneti: (snickers) Steve. (laughs)  
  
Steve Allen: I'm very honored to, uh, permit you to be honored by talking to me, Mewzy. There, Twoie, whoever you are. (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
SAT 3.141  
144 NW  
  
BENNY GOODMAN STORY  
  
Eneti: (laughs) Yeah, yeah. Do that noise with your armpits!  
  
Steve Allen: (puts his hand in his armpit and flaps his arm, making bird noises with his mouth. As he does so, digits are added to the SAT number on the monitor until it says:)  
  
SAT 3.1415926  
  
Steve Allen: Is that what you mean?  
  
Eneti: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, what's the holdup? What are you doing?  
  
Eneti: (music begins, sings:)  
"Eneti, what are you doing?"  
It's a question I've heard all my life.  
My parents don't understand me,  
And neither does my wife.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti?  
  
Eneti: She's a sweet and simple girl, my Linda.  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti? Eneti!  
  
Eneti: A lovely lava lass, you see...  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti! Send out the guest! (music stops abruptly)  
  
Eneti: Alright, alright! (throws lever, quick cuts of the following images: a test pattern from Brussles, an image of a satelite, a disclaimer of some sort from a news show, a test pattern from CNN London, as the images flash by, the number increases to 3.141592653; sends Steve to the studio monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: (as monitor lowers from ceiling with Steve) Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him, ya know him, ya love him, you go through a phase where you don't love him so much, yet you don't want to hurt him, so you don't dare tell him of your feelings, so you marry him, you bear his children, and you live out the rest of your days suffering from his cold and silent indifference, say hello to Steve Allen!  
  
Steve Allen: Thank you.  
  
Mewtwo: The pleasure's mine, Steverino. Have you met the legendary bird Lugia?  
  
Steve Allen: Lugia? No, but I would be honored to meet any fellow musician. What does he play, by the way?  
  
Mewtwo: He's our diving bird king of the keyboards!  
  
Steve Allen: Ah, good.  
  
Lugia: Hi, Steve. Mind if I snack on your head?  
  
Mewtwo: Who-a-a-a-a! Hey, Steve, ya hear that?  
  
Steve Allen: (laughs) Well, it makes me laugh, as you just saw, I found it amusing that someone would want to snack on my head. There's an old song, "Snack on my head", no, no, I'm sorry, that's "Time on my hands"...  
  
Mewtwo: No, no no no no no no no, that's right, Steve. Show him, Lugia.  
  
Lugia: (music starts, sings:)  
There are heads just right for some snackin',  
And I mean to snack on a few.  
Come on, Steve, it's time to get crackin',  
I got a lot o' snackin' to do!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, there are villains just right for some whackin',  
And I mean to whack me a few.  
Come on, Lugia, it's about to happen,  
I got a lot o' whackin' to do!  
  
Eneti: There are fires just right for some settin',  
And I aim to set a few fires.  
When those fires get set they'll be burnin'.  
  
Mewtwo: Shut up, Eneti!  
  
Lugia: We hate you!  
  
Eneti: And.. um, er... (music ends abruptly)  
  
Mewtwo: You're dumb!  
  
Eneti: But... I was just... (Moltar's monitor says:)  
  
MISTER MOON  
  
Mewtwo: No! You're stupid! So just shut up, stupid!  
  
Eneti: ... tryin' to...  
  
Mewtwo: No!  
  
Eneti: ... fit in.  
  
Mewtwo: Stupid!  
  
Eneti: Ugh!  
  
Mewtwo: So, what do you think of my show, Steve?  
  
Steve Allen: Well, it's the first of its kind, and, and so you're just as good as I am, I did the first of my kind, you've done the first of your kind.  
  
Mewtwo: (music starts, sings:)  
Then let the record so reflect,  
'Twas I that got there first.  
  
Steve Allen: Alright, then let the record so reflect.  
  
Mewtwo: Even thought I never get  
The credit I deserve.  
  
Steve Allen: You raise a very sore point.  
  
Mewtwo: Lah di dah di dah di dah.  
  
Lugia: You forgot the words, you jerk!  
  
Steve Allen: How you like that for a snappy comeback?  
  
Mewtwo: Come and get it!  
Come and get it!  
  
Eneti: You're really really really gonna get it!  
  
Mewtwo: You'll regret it  
When you get it,  
Because it isn't something that you want.  
  
Lugia: What are you talking about?  
  
Mewtwo: Shut up, Lugia,  
I'm sick of your beak.  
I'm gonna blast you  
Into next week.  
(aims his fist and psyblasts Lugia)  
  
Lugia: (crisped) (coughs, then sings:)  
Oh, I get it,  
Now, this pain is very dear to me.  
You see, when I get blasted,  
It makes your intentions clear to me-e-e-e-e.  
(coughs)  
  
Eneti: Sittin' in the control room,  
Waitin' for the break,  
Waitin' for the bre-a-a-ak,  
Waitin' for the break to co-o-o-o-ome.  
  
Mewtwo: Shut up!  
  
Audience: (applause)  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
RESUME TRANSMISSION  
  
Eneti: (music starts, sings:)  
Sittin' in the control room,  
Waitin' for the break,  
Waitin' for the bre-a-a-ak,  
Waitin' for the break to en-n-n-n-n-n-nd!. (music ends)  
Uh, isn't anyone gonna tell me to shut up?  
  
Lugia: You don't deserve it.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, and we're setting up the next bit, so shut up, stupid! (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
ENETI'S MONITOR SAYS  
  
Eneti: Thank you.  
  
Lugia: You just told him to shut up!  
  
Mewtwo: I did?  
  
Lugia: Yes, you did!  
  
Mewtwo: Ah well... Now it's time for Steve Allen to do a little bit of his "Man on the Street" schtick.  
  
Steve Allen: Yes, of course, I need a street, and I need at least one man. You have a sample man for me?  
  
Mewtwo: Only the samplest. Celebi? (music begins)  
  
Steve Allen: Hello, Celebi, can you hear me?  
  
Celebi: (appearing in many different background scenes, sings:)  
On the street,  
On the street,  
I think there's something stuck on my feet!  
Life is great,  
I feel grand,  
I could eat a whole pound o' ham!  
Hello, Mr. Sidewalk,  
How'd you get so long?  
Do you mind bein' under me  
As I sing this happy song?  
On the street,  
On the street,  
Whe-e-ere I a-a-am, I'm on-n-n the-e-e stre-e-e-e-e-eet!  
On the street!  
  
Steve Allen: (laughs) Well, I guess that constitutes a yes. Celebi!  
  
Celebi: What?  
  
Steve Allen: (says something in Celenese), eh?  
  
Celebi: Oh boy! (laughs) Ah, boy, I get it! (laughs)  
  
Steve Allen: You got it, good, well, go tell your mother.  
  
Celebi: Oh, I won't.  
  
Mewtwo: Wow, do you know Celebi's language?  
  
Steve Allen: Are you surprised to learn that I actually speak Celenese?  
  
Celebi: Hit me again, Steverino.  
  
Steve Allen: (says something else in Celenese)  
  
Celebi: Oh, that's what she said! (laughs)  
  
Steve Allen: (laughs) I'm hip, but it was supposed to be just between you and me.  
  
Celebi: You're funny, Steve Allen.  
  
Steve Allen: Okay, Celebi, and, and Mewzy and Twoie, and all the dwarfs who are out there today around the old campfire.  
  
Mewtwo: Thank you, Steve Allen. And from all of us here around the old campfire...  
  
Celebi: (music starts, sings:)  
It's.. been.. great!  
It's been fun!  
  
Mewtwo: But your interview is done.  
So get out of the chair,  
And get out of my hair!  
  
Celebi: 'Cause it's almost like bein' in  
Lo-o-o-o-o-ove! (music ends)  
  
Audience: (applause)  
  
Eneti: (with Andy Dick on control room monitor, which now shows SAT 3.14159265358; throws lever, creating a burst of feedback) Whoa, did you hear that? (digits are added until the next song begins, at which point it is up to SAT 3.141592653589793  
  
Andy Dick: Yeah, I heard it really loud.  
  
Eneti: I hit the wrong switch.  
  
Andy Dick: Oh, man.  
  
Eneti: I'm gonna do it again. (throws lever, creating another burst of feedback)  
  
Andy Dick: (yells)  
  
Eneti: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti, what's going on in there?  
  
Eneti: Uh, Andy Dick, comin' right up.  
  
Mewtwo: (music starts) Andy Dick? Is that right, Eneti?  
  
Eenti: Yep, that's right. We got Andy Dick.  
  
Mewtwo: (sings:)  
Oh my! I can't believe my ears!  
I've waited for this moment for years!  
How can this be?  
Andy Dick's gonna talk to me?  
Andy Dick!  
  
Lugia: Andy Dick? Why did we get Andy Dick?  
  
Eneti: Because Linda loves Andy Di-i-i-i-ick.  
And as you know,  
She's a sweet and simple girl, my Linda,  
A lovely lava lass, you see. (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
DOWN MEMORY LANE  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
Mewtwo: (music stops abruptly) Shut up! Stupid!  
  
Lugia: We hate you!  
  
Mewtwo: Wait a minute. Steve Allen... Andy Dick... they both have first names for last names! It's a "theme" show! Good work, stupid! (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
HOT FRESH POTATOES  
  
Eneti: Uh, yeah, well, sure. That's.. what I had in mind.  
  
Andy Dick: (breathes on glasses) Oh, Mewtwo. Hello!  
  
Mewtwo: So, Andy, did you like our little Andy Dick song?  
  
Andy Dick: That is sweet, that is sweet.  
  
Mewtwo: It's a reprise of the song, "I Can't Believe We Got Steve Allen."  
  
Andy Dick: Oh, so it's not, uh... (takes a deep breath) it's not that special.  
  
Mewtwo: No no no, it's very special!  
  
Andy Dick: Yeah, but you wrote it for Steve Allen, and then you just inserted my, no, it's fine, though, it's fine, I, I...  
  
Mewtwo: Anyway, Steve Allen ate up a lot of time, so I don't reallly have a lot of...  
  
Andy Dick: You don't have any!  
  
Mewtwo: No, we don't have a ton of...  
  
Andy Dick: You. Don't. Have. Any.  
  
Lugia: (holding his blast rifle) Woo hoo! (cocks rifle) Looks like a feudin's on the way!  
  
Eneti: (music starts, sings:)  
Down in the holler,  
Amongst the filth and squalor,  
Looks like a feud there's gonna be.  
  
Space Ghost: The number's been cut! (music stops abruptly) Look, Red, I don't really have a lot of time to be confrontational about this, so...  
  
Andy Dick: You're right, I don't want to, either, actually, because I don't have superpowers.  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, Andy, you wouldn't stand a chance against my destructo ray or my heat ray or my freeze ray or my...  
  
Andy Dick: I know what you have. I know.  
  
Mewtwo: (aiming at Andy) Andy...  
  
Andy Dick: I know.  
  
Mewtwo: That's better.  
  
Andy Dick: I have an inviso belt, that I can, I can turn invisible. (looks down at his belt) Oh, I'm not wearing it.  
  
Mewtwo: Hoo, you're not wearing it? Well, maybe it's at home in the magic closet!  
  
Andy Dick: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: You know, thinking about it, you don't have an inviso belt. (angry) Because only my colleagues and I wear them!  
  
Andy Dick: Okay, um, you're right, I don't... I don't have one.  
  
Mewtwo: Alright, now tell everyone at home!  
  
Andy Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!  
  
Mewtwo: Do it!  
  
Andy Dick: I don't have an inviso belt. (sighs)  
  
Mewtwo: Andy, sing your song.  
  
Andy Dick: Oh, I have to sing it?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes.  
  
Andy Dick: Will you sing it with me?  
  
Mewtwo: Sing! Sing like Judy Collins!  
  
Andy Dick: (guitar accompaniment, sings:)  
Mewtwo, Mewtwo, put down that stick.  
Please don't beat up Andy Dick.  
  
Mewtwo: (orchestra accompaniment, sings:)  
Andy, Andy, you're getting me ticked!  
Think I'll pummel Andy Dick!  
  
Andy Dick: Mewtwo, Mewtwo, clickety click,  
Mewtwo, don't be a space -  
  
Mewtwo: Andy, Andy, clickety click,  
Andy, don't be a -  
  
Andy Dick: Mewtwo, don't be a -  
  
Mewtwo: Andy, don't be a space -  
  
Andy Dick: (together with Space Ghost's last line, so the guitar and orchestra are also together) Mewtwo don't be a -  
  
Lugia: Hey, everybody, it's time for the big finale! (Eneti's monitor says:)  
  
SAYS ENETI'S MONITOR  
  
Mewtwo: It's time for the finale,  
  
Lugia: It's time to end the show.  
  
Eneti: The fun we've had is over now,  
  
Mewtwo: That's right, it's time to go!  
  
Suicune: (palm-face) I didn't have any lines today,  
  
Lugia: That made some people glad!  
  
Celebi: (dances into view) I'm really very sad!  
  
Mewtwo: That's all the time we have today,  
We finally get a chance,  
To see while Eneti rolls the credits,  
Andy Dick will dance.  
Goodbye!  
  
Lugia: Goodbye!  
  
Eneti: Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!  
  
Mewtwo: Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!  
Good night, everybody!  
(to Andy) Now, dance!  
  
Andy Dick: A five, six, seven, eight... (tap dances to schmaltzy piano music while the credits roll) How much do you want, I can go on all day.  
  
Mewtwo: Do it all day.  
  
Andy Dick: Yeah, I can do anything, I can shuffle off to Buffalo.  
  
Lugia: Hey, why don't you shuffle off to Mars?  
  
Andy Dick: I can't, I can't shuffle off too far, though.  
  
Lugia: Wuss. (piano ends)  
  
EPISODE 54 BOATSHOW  
  
Steve Allen: (hums and bops)  
  
CONTACT VICIOUS PLANET  
  
(Same address as in "Telethon")  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
Space Ghost: This has been a Vicious Planet Industries production. Oh! (raspberry sound) That's what I did in rehearsal, and everybody laughed.   
  
Mewtwo: (sings:) Oh, my! I can't believe my ears!  
  
(X).(X) 


	20. RPG Party

RPG Party  
  
  
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This fanfictional 'Extravaganza' is not IN ANY WAY going to be simulcasted on Yahoo!.com or AOL.com. I also do NOT own the following RPGs. Final Fantasy 7, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, Final Fantasy 9, MEGA MAN BATTLE NETWORK, and Final Fantasy 8. Nor do I own ANYTHING of Pokémon. Damn! That's one long disclaimer! ^__^  
  
  
  
:WAITING  
  
Announcer: Tonight! Live from New Island! It's the 1st Annual RPG Awards Show! (Polaroids fly in) With special guests! Celebi! Cloud Strife! Suicune! Tron Bonne! Ho-oh! Zidane Tribal! Mew! Lan Hiarki! Raikou! and Squall Leonhart! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, The Legendary Pokémon. (curtain raises)  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: We're from outer space,  
we're an evil disgrace!  
  
Raikou: We spread germs and disease  
all over the place!  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: But now we're here  
and we're full of beer  
  
Celebi: Full of beeeeeer! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)  
  
Mew: Mewtwo is so pretty  
I could hold him dear! (music stops)  
  
Celebi: What the...!  
  
Suicune: What, are you insane?  
  
Mew: Okay, okay! I hate him! (music resumes)  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: We hate em too,  
he's like a bad haiku  
  
Celebi: Haiku! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS CELEBI!)  
  
Ho-oh: (Sqawks) (subtitle, with bouncing ball: BUT HE GAVE US ALL A PARDON / SO, WHAT COULD WE DO?)  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: So we're nice again,  
Yeah! We're all good sports,  
and we're here to judge the  
R P G Shorts!  
  
Celebi: Shorts! Shorts!  
  
Announcer: Tonight's fanfictional extravaganza will be simulcast on Yahoo!.com, AOL.com, and Fanfiction.net. And now, your host for the evening, The Principal of Kanto! Meeeeeeeewtwoooooooo!  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports in)(coughs during introduction) Greetings! I'm Mewtwo, from Coast to Coast, on Fanfiction.net! Welcome to the First Annual RPG Awards Show! (aside) We're rolling as we speak, still? Okay, good. (to camera) Tonight, five characters of famous RPGs from all over the world will compete against each other, in front of an audience of millions and millions, for a big prize! (fanfare) Each contestant will be judged in random categories by the Legendary Pokémon! The winner will be the winner when he or she wins! And the winning character will have a scene from his or her RPG shown at the end of the show?  
  
Lugia: (glares at Mewtwo)  
  
Mewtwo: Okay. Here to tell you how the votes are tabulated, from the Accounting Firm of Price Westinghouse, Pikachu and his lovely assistant Pichu!  
  
Pikachu: (on stage in a tuxedo) Pikachu! Pika Pika!  
  
Mewtwo: Huh? What are you saying, Pikachu?   
  
Pikachu: Pika!  
  
Mewtwo: What are you saying?!  
  
Pichu:Pichu!  
  
Mewtwo: I can't understand a word you two are saying! Okay, get the rats off the stage. Now, let's meet the judges, the Legendary Pokémon.  
  
(Judges, from left to right: Suicune, Ho-oh, Mew, Raikou, Celebi)  
  
Mewtwo: Raikou, a vicious dog from the lightning types! He likes to mold things out of scalding hot tar.  
  
Raikou: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! (makes peace signs) Predicate!  
  
Mewtwo: Heh heh, oh-kay. Three time Indy 500 Champion and god of all pokémon, Celebi!  
  
Celebi: All Hail Celebi!  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: Hail!  
  
Celebi: Hail Celebi! Haiiiil Celebi!  
  
Mewtwo: Mew! And next...  
  
Mew: Mmmmmm! You look really good in those tights, Mewtwo-sama!  
  
Mewtwo: Eew! Yuckie!  
  
Raikou: Predicate!  
  
Mewtwo: Next, Ho-oh, a Phoenix like warrior whose mere glance is enough to strike fear into the hearts of those weaker than he. (looks evil, making droning sound) He collects fridge magnets and is a champion speed knitter.  
  
Ho-oh: (Squaks)  
  
Mewtwo: And finally, Suicune! A crystal dog who hails from the east. He enjoys literature and books, and he likes to read colorful pamphlets to orphans.  
  
Suicune: Thank you Mewtwo, I'm esteemed.  
  
Lugia: Death to Suicune!  
  
Suicune: Oh please, Lugia, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence.  
  
Lugia: Oh. Thank you, Suicune. That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard!  
  
Mewtwo: Hey now! You monsters be nice!  
  
Lugia & Suicune: Shut up!  
  
Mewtwo: Alrighty, who will be our first contestant? Dian?  
  
Dian Parkinson: Are we on or...  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs) (quietly) Eneti! Who's on first?  
  
Eneti: Who's on second?  
  
Mewtwo: I dunno! Who's on second?  
  
Eneti: Right!  
  
Mewtwo: Oh-kay. (pauses, looks around studio) Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this studio?  
  
Lugia: Yeah. (breaking sound off screen) What's an Awards Show?  
  
Mewtwo: It's a franchise.  
  
Lugia: Oh, okay. What's an award?  
  
Mewtwo: (Ignoring Lugia) The first category is RPG Character Under Extreme Interrogation! Our first contestant is Cloud Strife!  
  
(Monitor lowers with Cloud)  
  
Announcer: (whispering) Tonight's contestants have been briefed on the rules governing each category. What you are about to see is not real, these are actors.  
  
Mewtwo: Welcome, Cloud!  
  
Cloud Strife: Well, thank you very much, I...  
  
Mewtwo: What do you do?  
  
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an Ex-SOLDIER.  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3, 10, 5, 1, 6)  
  
Mewtwo: Not yet, you clowns! Sorry, uh, tell us about your RPG!  
  
Cloud Strife: Final Fantasy 7, quite possibly the best RPG out there today.  
  
Mewtwo: (long pause) Let's look at the clip!  
  
(Clip from Final Fantasy 7 is shown, scene of Cloud, Tifa, and Barret escaping Sector 7 before it collapsed)  
  
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 3.14, 78, 109, 12.2, "HELLO MY NAME IS Celebi")  
  
Announcer: (with French translation in background) Raikou, twelve point two. Mew, one hundred nine. Celebi, "Hello my name is Celebi."  
  
Mewtwo: What is it with you and destroying Sectors?  
  
Cloud Strife: (clears throat) Well, the thing is, we're trying to stop this evil corporation hell bent on destroying our earth.  
  
Mewtwo: You just decided to blow up, that's it?  
  
Cloud Strife: (shrugs) Uh... I...  
  
Lugia: (mocking Cloud a la Butthead) Uh huh huh, uh huh huh...  
  
Mewtwo: Okay Cloud! Solve the puzzle! (Cloud doesn't have time to respond)  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong! Too many vowels!  
  
Cloud Strife: Oh, sssss...  
  
Mewtwo: Council?  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 5, 4, 3, 6, 3)  
  
Mewtwo: Hmmmm, not so good. Do you sing?  
  
Cloud Strife: Uh... no, I don't.  
  
Mewtwo: Dance?  
  
Cloud Strife: No Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: (sings, in monotone) Don't sing, don't dance. What do you do... Cloud?  
  
Cloud Strife: I'm, uh, an RPG Character.  
  
Mewtwo: Could I be an RPG Character?  
  
Cloud Strife: Well, you just asked me what do I do, so...  
  
Mewtwo: Okay, I'm doing an RPG, here we go, I am a RPG character! What's my motivation? Where am I? Why am I? What are the other characters doing?  
  
Cloud Strife: I guess the characters are doing superhuman feats in themselves.  
  
Mewtwo: Likin' it! They're doing feats and I come in and I say...?  
  
Cloud Strife: Uh...  
  
Mewtwo: Talk to me, Cloudy baby!  
  
Cloud Strife: Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife.  
  
Mewtwo: (bad acting, straight) "Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife!" RPG category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, 0, 1, 2, 4)  
  
Mewtwo: Ooooh. Sliding. Well, thanks, Cloud! We'll see you at the end of the show!  
  
Cloud Strife: Thank you, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: You're welcome! My next contestant is Zidane Tribal!  
  
Lugia: The wrestler?  
  
Mewtwo: No, the star of Final Fnatasy 9.  
  
(Zidane Tribal appears on the monitor, eating a danish)  
  
Mewtwo: Hello, Citizen Tribal!  
  
Lugia: Hey, do you know Rick Flair and/or Vince McMahon?  
  
Zidane Tribal: Mm Hm. (takes big bite)  
  
Lugia: (wide eyed) Food. Food!  
  
Eneti: (pointing) You have a danish!  
  
Zidane Tribal: Yes.  
  
Lugia: Gimme the danish!  
  
Zidane Tribal: Okey dokey.  
  
Mewtwo: No, Zidane, it's a trick! He'll take your whole hand!  
  
Zidane Tribal: No, I doubt it, but it would be funny... that would be comedy.  
  
Mewtwo: Wait a second, Chester, blood is not funny.  
  
Raikou: (Ding!) Blood is funny! Zidane is the winner!  
  
Zidane Tribal: I totally love the New Island.  
  
Mewtwo: Citizen Zidane, you chose the danish, why?  
  
Zidane Tribal: I have no idea, it was the only thing there, it was either a bagel or this cream cheese frosting thing.  
  
Mewtwo: Food selection category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -9, -1, -3, -2, 0)  
  
Mewtwo: Council would have chosen the bagel. Bad decision, Zidane.  
  
Zidane Tribal: See, what I'm trying to do is chew and talk at the same time...  
  
Mewtwo: Talking with your mouth full category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: -22, -3, -90, -48, -67)  
  
Mewtwo: Ooooh, Zidane, things aren't lookin' good. Bad manners are never en vogue.  
  
Zidane Tribal: I guess, it, it...  
  
Mewtwo: Let's look at the clip!  
  
(Clip of Final Fantasy 9, obviously, a boss battle)  
  
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 0, 2, 1, 0)  
  
Mewtwo: You can do better than that, Zidane!  
  
Zidane Tribal: I... (long pause) (shrugs) I guess you're a critic.  
  
Mewtwo: Yup.  
  
Zidane Tribal: Okay.  
  
Mewtwo: We'll be back in two and two!  
  
Announcer: Only one RPG will win! Which one will it be? Stay tuned to find out.  
  
(RPG Awards Show graphic)  
  
Announcer: Oh goody! The RPG Awards Show franchise is back! Excited? I am.  
  
Mewtwo: Welcome back! Our next contestant is Lan Hiarki!  
  
Lan Hiarki: Whew! Just beamed in from the old Enterprise, uh, thought I'd say hi!  
  
Mewtwo: Shatner method acting! Survey says...  
  
Council of Doom: (Ding!) (Scores: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0)  
  
Mewtwo: Goose eggs. Ha ha ha! But you'll have a chance to make that up. Tell us what you do!  
  
Lan Hiarki: I am an owner of a NET Navi, MegamanEXE, star of Megaman Battle Network.  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong!  
  
Lan Hiarki: Excuse me, Mewtwo?  
  
Mewtwo: You must answer in the form of a walrus!  
  
Lan Hiarki: Walrus? Are you serious?  
  
Suicune: Pardon the intrusion, don't you mean, question?  
  
Mewtwo: You have a question, Suicune?  
  
Suicune: No, lower brain form, you mean, he should answer in the form of a question.  
  
Mewtwo: Yes, he should question in the form of an answer! Good answer! Question the answer, Lanny!  
  
Lan Hiarki: Don't call me that.  
  
Mewtwo:Sorry. Now for the clincher... (drum roll)  
  
Lan Hiarki: This is totally serious.  
  
Mewtwo: You wouldn't understand my shouting Braille when there's a blender in the oven.  
  
Lan Hiarki: Uh, because our deflector shields were up and our communication was kinda garbled?  
  
Mewtwo: Uhhhh, we'll have to check with the judges, hold on!  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 7, 8, 9, 8)  
  
Mewtwo: You're back in the race!  
  
Lan Hiarki: Thank you, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Not a problem, Lan.  
  
Lan Hiarki: This is my fifteen seconds of, royal fame.  
  
Mewtwo: That's enough, son.  
  
Lan Hiarki: Okay, was I hammin' it up a little too much?  
  
Lugia: Roll the clip!  
  
(Clip of MEGAMAN Battle Network, PRESS START screen only)  
  
Mewtwo: Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 8, -107, 9, 8, 7)  
  
Mewtwo: Well, Lan, you're doing okay.  
  
Lan Hiarki: Okay.  
  
Mewtwo: See you. (Lan zaps off monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Okay! My next contestant is Squall Leonhart. (appears on monitor)  
  
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?  
  
Mewtwo: Welcome, Comrade Ginsu!  
  
Squall Leonhart: Whatever...  
  
Mewtwo: I'll take that as a "hello".  
  
Squall Leonhart: (What and idiot.)  
  
Mewtwo: Um...ok...  
  
Squall Leonhart: ...  
  
Mewtwo: Cold Hearted category! Survey says...  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, -5, 1, 2, Celebi)  
  
Celebi: Hey! What time is it?  
  
Mewtwo: Tell us about your RPG.  
  
Squall Leonhart: Final Fantasy 8, um, it was ok...  
  
Mewtwo: Uh huh... Roll it!  
  
(Clip of Final Fantasy 8 is shown, the scene of Seifer and Squall fighting, Squall gets cut across the face)  
  
Mewtwo: Clip category! Survey says...  
  
Lugia: FF8 SUCKS!  
  
Mewtwo: Ooooh, (Ding!) what do you say to that Comrade?  
  
Squall Leonhart: It doesn't bother me at all.  
  
Celebi: (in background) Hey! (Ding!) Hey, looky here! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) Hey, look at me! (Ding! Ding!)  
  
Mewtwo: (looks at Celebi, annoyed) Self-restraint category! Survey says... Survey says...  
  
Celebi: Oh!  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 1, 3, 2, 3, 1)  
  
Celebi: There!  
  
Mewtwo: Okay Ginsberg, looks good!  
  
Squall Leonhart: Thank you, Mewtwo...I guess...  
  
Mewtwo: (mocking) Thank you, Mewtwo, I guess. (quietly) What a jerk! (normal voice) Our last and final contestant is Tron Bonne!  
  
Mewtwo: Citizen Tron Bonne, Come on down! (monitor lowers)  
  
Tron Bonne: Thanks. It's good to be here.  
  
Mewtwo: What do you do?  
  
Tron Bonne:Uh, I'm a character in my own game, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, the game where my brother, Tesiel Bonne gets kidnapped.  
  
Mewtwo: Ohhhh, let's see the clip.  
  
(Clip of Tron Bonne's game, about 0.5 second long)  
  
Mewtwo: That's great!  
  
Tron Bonne: Um, Why aren't you like a big purple tail just with, like, eyes goin' like (motions) "Woooh!" and scary? I mean, why is that? I mean, that's like a mavrick.  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)  
  
Mewtwo: Uh, Tron...  
  
Tron Bonne: You know, I don't, I don't understand this whole purple tail blue eyes thing. It's kinda strange to me.  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)  
  
Mewtwo: Bonne...  
  
Tron Bonne: Not really spooky.  
  
Mewtwo: I'm not a mavrick, Jenny! I'm Mewtwo!  
  
Tron Bonne: Oh, is that it?  
  
Mewtwo: Yes! I'm the savior of Kanto! A mature crime-fighter of all evil!  
  
Tron Bonne: I don't, I don't, uh, think crime fighting takes any specific age.  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)  
  
Mewtwo: Quit thinking.  
  
Tron Bonne: Okay, I mean, even babies could save the day if they had to.  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Ding!) (Scores: 11, 11, 11, 11, 11)  
  
Mewtwo: Aren't you late for something?  
  
Tron Bonne: Uh uh. No.  
  
Mewtwo: (raises his fist, as if to fire)  
  
Tron Bonne: Oh, I get it.  
  
Mewtwo: And it's not funny... is it?  
  
Tron Bonne: Nooo, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Get a new hairdo, Bonne.  
  
(Tron disappears from the monitor)  
  
Mewtwo: Alrighty! Now it's time to tabulate the scores and determine tonight's winning director! (tympani roll) Eneti?  
  
Eneti: (pulls the lever to begin tabulating)  
  
Mewtwo: And the winner is...  
  
Announcer: Don't move. Not a muscle. The winning RPG is coming up! Right after these messages.  
  
(Black screen for a whole minute)  
  
(RPG Awards Show graphic)  
  
Announcer: Ah, there's more. We now return to the conclusion of The First Annual RPG Awards Show. Let me do that again.  
  
Eneti: It's a tie! I think. Idn't it?  
  
All Legendary Pokémon: (Scores: 86, 86, 85, 86, 86)  
  
Eneti: Yeah, it's a tie. (fanfare)  
  
(Musical accompaniment starts; Mewtwo and Lugia sing)  
  
Mewtwo: Here he comes!  
It's a tie!  
It's a beautiful burnt sienna tie for me!  
  
Lugia: I want green,  
to match my spleen,  
Oh, what a beautiful tie!  
  
Pikachu: Pi! Ka!  
  
Mewtwo: Look at Pika,  
He is small,  
Oh, what a rodent he is!  
  
(Music ends)  
  
Pikachu: Pikachu!  
  
Mewtwo: What? Quit speaking Pikachu!  
  
Suicune: (pausing deliberately, as though he's translating) Ahem. He said, since it's a tie, yes, I believe it's 'tie', you must have a tie-breaker.  
  
Mewtwo: No, since it's a tie we'll have a swimsuit competition! (low voice) Lose the rat!  
  
(Pikachu screeches, followed by a crash sound)  
  
Mewtwo: The tie-breaker category is the Swimsuit Competition! Citizen Cloud Strife! Go!  
  
Cloud Strife: (appears on screen) No, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Zidane Tribal! Swimsuit! Go!  
  
Zidane Tribal: (appears on screen, still eating, mouth full) Do I look at anybody?  
  
Lugia: Danish!  
  
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Lan Hiraki! Swimsuit! Go!  
  
Lan Hiarki: (appears on screen) Are you serious?  
  
Mewtwo: Disqualified! Comrade Gingersnap! Swimsuit! Go!  
  
Squall Leonhart: Not on your life...  
  
Mewtwo: Disqualified! (zaps him off screen) Last contestant! Tron Bonne! Swimsuit! Go!  
  
Tron Bonne: (appears in a reveiling swimsuit, life jacket, water wings, fins, mask and snorkel, posing & waving; disco music plays)  
  
Mewtwo: And the winner of the 1st Annual RPG Award is... Troooooon Bonne! (Tron holds flowers and weeps, a tiara on her head)  
  
Tron Bonne: (talking through mask and snorkel, blowing kisses) Thank you, Mewtwo, oh, I love them, thank you, Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: Goodnight everybody! You're beautiful! Here's the winning RPG that won the winning... oh, roll the RPG.  
  
(The Misadventures of Tron Bonne opening is shown, followed a montage of the entire game)  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Space Ghost: (mocking) Thank you Space Ghost.  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES 


	21. Swagger

Swagger  
  
  
Disclaimer: This is the second time Mewtwo is not the host of Coast to Coast. This time, Tron and Bon Bonne are taking Mewtwo and Eneti's place. But Lugia stays unfortunently...  
  
  
(Open to the original set)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (looks around the set)  
  
Lugia: (sips his mug of coffee)  
  
(A small crash is heard)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: How ya doin', Lugia?  
  
Luiga: Feh! It's pretty stupid here...  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: I know...  
  
(A long pause insures, then Tron Bonne walks in unsuspectedly)  
  
Tron Bonne: Hello, Vicious.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Where's the Two?  
  
Tron Bonne: Um...I don't know...  
  
Lugia: Mewtwo and Eneti? Uh, they went somewhere... (Wait, that means...)  
  
Tron Bonne: (Since those two are gone...)  
  
Lugia: Yeah!! (evil laugh) It's the Tron Bonne show now!  
  
Tron Bonne: Hey, you're right!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Making me the guest.  
  
Tron Bonne: I guess that's right too. Hey, did you catch RPG Party last night?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (with Lan Hiarki's voice-over) Are you serious?  
  
Tron Bonne: (laughs)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (winks at Tron) Hey, Tron. Take off, eh?  
  
Tron Bonne: Hey, hoser! YOU take off!  
  
Lugia: Yeah, take off!  
  
Bon Bonne: BABU!  
  
Lugia: What the...  
  
Bon Bonne: (standing in the control-room) Ba ba, babu!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Looks like, Baby Bonne got a hold of the control panel, eh, Tron? (laughs)  
  
Tron Bonne: So, you write fanfictions? That's pretty nice. Where do you get your ideas?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (dead silence)  
  
Tron Bonne: Well?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Um... (pause) I get my ideas...from, uh, from past experiences.  
  
Tron Bonne: Such as?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (laughs) Do I have to tell everyone?!  
  
Lugia: Yes, tell us all!  
  
(Black screen with subtitles: MEANWHILE, BACK AT MT. MOON...)  
  
Mewtwo: Eneti's it seems these Clefairies have gotten us beat. I haven't said it before, but...it looks like the end. Eneti, what are we going to do?  
  
Eneti: How should I know? I'm going out for a smoke. (Eneti leaves, Mewtwo stands there and the Clefairies start moving towards him)  
  
Mewtwo: Oh no...I'M DOOMED!!! (Dramatic sting music for 15 seconds) Oh no...MY SHOW!!! (Dramatic sting music for 20 seconds) Oh no...CLEFAIRIES!!! (Dramatic sting music a la that one episode of South Park with the volcano, cut back to set)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: What's with the metal plate?  
  
Tron Bonne: What metal plate?  
  
Lugia: You know, the "metal" plate?  
  
Tron Bonne: What, this? (offscreen, sound of unzipping)  
  
Lugia: (stares back with wide eyes)  
  
Tron Bonne: I don't see what you have to stare at. What is it with the metal plate? (long pause, then looks down) Ohhhhhhh...the "metal" plate.  
  
Lugia: Why is that there?  
  
Tron Bonne: What, you wanna see?  
  
Bon Bonne: Babu?  
  
Lugia: What's behind it?  
  
Tron Bonne: Um, it's kinda like a private thing, so...is anyone watching?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Hey, like I say, "If you want to do something weird, do it."  
  
Lugia: So...what's behind the plate.  
  
Tron Bonne: Are you sure you want to see?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Oh, he's sure.  
  
Tron Bonne: Okay then... (cut to Lugia, sound of Tron removing her metal plate)  
  
Lugia: (stares with big anime eyes, starts gasping and breathing hard)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (his left eye brow pops up)  
  
Tron Bonne: What?  
  
(Black screen again, this time with subtitles: MEANWHILE, BACK AT MT. MOON...)  
  
Mewtwo: Clefairy Master!  
  
C. Master: Yes, it is I, Clefairy Master! I've finally captured you...Mewtwo!  
  
Mewtwo: You can't capture me yet! (teleports out)  
  
C. Master: I forgot he could do that! (cut back to set)  
  
Tron Bonne: (sitting on Lugia's lap) Did you like what you saw?  
  
Lugia: It was beautiful.  
  
Tron Bonne: Great, that'll be $10 dollars.  
  
Lugia: Reeah! Fine!  
  
Tron Bonne: Great, now can I finish the show?  
  
Lugia: Hang on, stay here...in my lap and do the show.  
  
Tron Bonne: But I don't have my pants on. Plus, I think Vicious is staring at me.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (stares silently with a smirk)  
  
Tron Bonne: I feel uncomfortable, Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Aw, come on. You did it for Celebi and he's standing of there like an idiot.  
  
Celebi: I got a doodle in my noodle, and his name is MINKY BOODLE!  
  
Lugia: Shut up, Celebi!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Hey, you like gravy?  
  
Celebi: I LOVE GRAVY! WHO LOVES GRAVY?!  
  
Ed: Gravy!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Oh. Ed!  
  
Ed: Hello!  
  
Celebi: I want my gravy!  
  
Ed: Buttered Toast!  
  
Tron Bonne: Lugia, can I crouch down and hide for a while?  
  
Lugia: (stares back at her in shock)  
  
Tron Bonne: I mean, like, just to, just to hide.  
  
Lugia: Uh...um...  
  
Celebi: Let's go get some gravy!  
  
Ed: I love chickens!  
  
Celebi: (scats Hanson's "Mmmbop" with Ed) Gonna get gravy!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Are we shooting today, cause, uh, I gotta, I gotta skate in five minutes.  
  
Lugia: Yeah, go now. I gotta swagger down here.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: What does that mean? (laughs sheepishly) You wanna score with Tron?  
  
Tron Bonne: Yeah, I don't care if I like, no, love Megaman, I wanna score with Lugia.  
  
Lugia: Well, I am quite the ladiesman, er, bird. (evil laugh)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Ok, um, thank you for having me on the show.  
  
(The screen goes wavy, Vicious's last word 'show' echoes, the screen now shows Mewtwo talking with Vicious Mewtwo)  
  
Mewtwo: ...where they came in on me and tried to kill me, so I said, "Hunker down, cause Mewtwo's coming to get some!" (long pause) So, Vicious, what do you do?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Um, I write, uh, fanfiction.  
  
Lugia: (asleep, talking in his sleep regarding words about him and Tron having XXX(WORD MEANING BEING INTIMATE)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Hey, Lugia!  
  
Lugia: (holding his left wing) Oh, God, you're so beautiful!  
  
Mewtwo: LUGIA! WAKE UP!  
  
Lugia: (squeezes his wing, moaning)  
  
Mewtwo: (psyblasts Lugia)  
  
Lugia: (cough, cough) What was that for?!  
  
Mewtwo: You're sick, you know that?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: What's so funny?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: It's kinda reminding me of Curling Flowers Mew, remember that?  
  
Mewtwo: Ah, yes. The XXX(ANOTHER WORD MEANING BEING INTIMATE)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Who keeps doing that? What's wrong with the word XXX(YET ANOTHER WORD MEANING BEING INTIMATE), hey! Don't start on me!  
  
(Flashback sequence begins, cut to the set with Sarah Jessica Parker talking to Lugia, instead of Mewtwo)  
  
Lugia: That's why I killed Mewtwo!  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: You killed Mewtwo?  
  
Lugia: Sure did!  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: Wow, you're pretty built for a pokémon. (laughs)  
  
Lugia: (purrs like a cat) Hey, Jessie.  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: What?  
  
Lugia: Wanna have some big fat crazy XXX(ANOTHER WORD MEANING...YOU KNOW BY NOW, DON'T YOU?) with me?  
  
Sarah Jessica Parker: (like Austin Powers) Yeah, baby! Yeah!  
  
Lugia: (evil laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: (voiced-over) Hey, where was I?  
  
(Flashback sequence ends, cut back to the set)  
  
Mewtwo: I said WE did that! Not you!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: It was my idea that Lugia and Sarah did...ahem, never mind.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, "Never mind" is right!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: Is something funny?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (pause) Um...no...  
  
Mewtwo: (raises fist)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: No, Mewtwo...  
  
Mewtwo: And it's not funny...is it?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Nooooo, Mewtwo...  
  
Mewtwo: (long pause) You know, Vicious, I saw last night's screenng of your interveiw with Raikou, and we saw a lotta things!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Oh, yeah! Tron Bonne: Coast to Coast, I loved every moment of it...  
  
Mewtwo: I bet you did, but it's not going to see the light of day, now is it?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Oh, cause Tron took off her metal plate and we all saw how Lugia and Tron... (pause)  
  
Mewtwo: She took it off?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Yeah.  
  
Lugia: God, it was beautiful! You should've been there! I swaggered with her!  
  
Eneti: (laughs) And this true, right?  
  
Lugia: Oh, yeah. I ???? her on the set! (evil laugh)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Lugia!  
  
Lugia: Vicious!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Lugia!!  
  
Lugia: Vicious!!  
  
Mewtwo: Enough! And, Lugia...was this all true?  
  
Lugia: (long pause) No.  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: It's a movie I made.  
  
Mewtwo: What is it?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Swagger.  
  
Mewtwo: Let me guess. Is it rated NC-21 might I ask?  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Who said it's not?  
  
Mewtwo: I did, buster!  
  
(The set is now filled with dead silence)  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: Well, I gotta skate.  
  
Lugia: Hang on, I'm goin' with you!  
  
Mewtwo: No, you stay here! I'm gonna psyblast so hard, it'll make your head spin, because you're dead!  
  
Vicious Mewtwo: (with a deep, dark voice) The bird will come with me!  
  
Mewtwo: No, it can't be! Viotron, the Polisher?!  
  
(Vicious Mewtwo zaps off screen and is replaced by Viotron, The Polisher)  
  
Mewtwo: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Viotron, The Polisher: Yes, I am here! And I've come for one reason and one reason only! To make the floor so slippery, you'll fall for the rest of your life! (dark evil laugh)  
  
Mewtwo: Ok, that was all wrong, let's run through it again.  
  
SWAGGER  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Mewtwo: I still don't understand.  
  
VICIOUS STREET  
  
Lugia: I think you never will either.  
  
(X).(X) 


	22. Shapiro

Shapiro  
  
Disclaimer: I am SOOOOOO sorry to say this, but...there are now 3 episodes left until the Season Finale of Mewtwo: Coast to Coast. Sorry, but all things have to end, but hey, watch at the end of this episode and find out about season two. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the first final episode of Mewtwo: Coast to Coast "Shapiro".  
  
  
(Lugia crosses the set in the dark)  
  
Eneti: Halt! (alarms go off, spotlight shines on Lugia)  
  
Lugia: Aah!  
  
Eneti: Who goes there?  
  
Lugia: I, Zorak!  
  
Eneti: (turns off alarm) Sorry, man. Sorry.  
  
(Note: subtitles which correspond to the spoken lines are shown in brackets)  
  
Lugia: Eneti, look, I am green with evil. [Eneti, I love you.]  
  
Eneti: (watching "Powerpuff Girls" on monitor) Huh? [I love you too, Lugia.]  
  
Lugia: I said, did your mail order come in yet? [We should get married.]  
  
Eneti: Yeah. [Papa would never allow it.]  
  
Lugia: What'd you get? [But we're in love... why not?]  
  
Eneti: Soap. [You know why.]  
  
Lugia: Hmm. What kind? [It's because I'm an eagle, isn't it?]  
  
Eneti: (holding up bar) Lava. [Papa says...]  
It's got pumice. [... eagles are bad folk.]  
  
Lugia: Yeah. [I don't play fiddle.]  
  
Eneti: That your new book? [I know, Honey, that's why I love you so.]  
  
Lugia: What? [What?]  
  
Eneti: Is that your new book? [I said, I love you so.]  
  
Lugia: Shut up, I'm reading my new book. [- Woe is me, for we cannot marry.]  
  
Eneti: Sorry. [- I am ashamed.]  
  
Lugia: Huh? [- Do not be.]  
  
Eneti: I said, you can't read. [Let us elope in the night.]  
  
Lugia: Yeah, yeah. [Yes!!]  
Where's the Two? [You would do that for me?]  
  
Eneti: In the back, with his new Sea Monkey Kit. [No! Are you kidding! I will never marry the likes of bird! You are a filthy beast! Get ye gone!]  
  
(In a laboratory area; sign outside room reads "DO NOT ENTER / EXPERIMENT UNDERWAY". Mewtwo is in the room, reading directions)  
  
Mewtwo: "Now you've created an adorable home for your Sea Monkeys... open the pouch labeled "Sea Monkey Pellets" (rip!) and pour into the bowl (pouring sound), in just minutes your little Sea Monkeys will flourish with life!"  
  
Lugia: (on the control room monitor) Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. (his eyes flash, show spirals, etc., whenever he says this)  
  
Eneti: What is that?  
  
Lugia: It's a spell from my new book, "The Joy of Incantations". Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah.  
  
Eneti: What's it do?  
  
Lugia: It gives me power over Mewtwo's mind. Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah.  
  
Eneti: It's a small spell.  
  
Lugia: He's got a small brain. Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee...  
  
Mewtwo: (still in laboratory) "Soon you will be able to observe your Sea Monkeys as they make families, have dinner, purchase fine autos and perform other daily life activities all within the domain of the Sea Monkey bowl..." Wow!  
  
Eneti: (in control room) Time to get Mewtwo. Think I'll use my NASA voice. "Ten seconds to air, return to the set... T minus 10 seconds and counting... 10... 9... 7... 6... 9..."  
  
Mewtwo: I have to go, Sea Monkeys. Here, have one of my special super vitamins. (splash!) (fizzing sound)  
  
(teleports in to set)  
  
Mewtwo: Greetings! I'm Mewtwo! Joining me on this show, rap artist Schooly D and funny man "Weird Al" Yankovic! Say hi to the band, they're right over there. (points)  
  
(Lugia's eyes spin with evil hypnosis)  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia, what's wrong with your eyes?  
  
Lugia: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah.  
  
Mewtwo: Ohhh! I see what you're doing. No no no, if you want to control my mind your eyes need to spin counter-clockwise! (he says a short incantation; Zorak's eyes immediately spin the other direction)  
  
Lugia: Oh! (calypso music in background) Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah.  
  
Mewtwo: (teleports to desk) Alrighty! My first guest is Schooly D! (Monitor lowers)  
  
Schooly D: I kinda figured that out.  
  
Mewtwo: Hi Schooly, how are ya?  
  
Schooly D: What's up man? I'm alright, I'm alright. How you doin?  
  
Mewtwo: Fine fine fine. Say, where'd you get the ball cap, son?  
  
Schooly D: Uh, I got it from the planet Zurf.  
  
Mewtwo: You don't say! Citizen Schooly,  
  
Lugia: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona...  
  
Mewtwo: (reads with difficulty) Original-Gangster-in-the-house...  
  
Lugia: ... ah-ah.  
  
Mewtwo: (makes gibbering sounds, eyes glow, as he falls under Lugia's power)  
  
Lugia: Say something stupid.  
  
Mewtwo: You wanna watch me swallow a live mollusk?  
  
Schooly D: No.  
  
Mewtwo: I mean, tell me about your slacks.  
  
Schooly D: (laughs) These are baggy jeans, you buy them three sizes bigger so they can hang off your butt.  
  
Mewtwo: Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once, it didn't scare me.  
  
Schooly D: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: Schooly... Schooly...  
  
Schooly D: Yeah, man?  
  
Mewtwo: Are you interested in frolicking in a leafy glade?  
  
Schooly D: Well, you know, even if I was, I couldn't...  
  
Mewtwo: (bursts out laughing for no reason) My Pikachu is dashing in a tux! Will you please pass me one of those wall decorations? My, they look lovely. (makes gibbering sounds again)  
  
Schooly D: (laughs)  
  
Lugia: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona... no!!!  
  
(Mewtwo psyblasts Lugia)  
  
Mewtwo: (sniff sniff) Smells like chicken in here.  
  
Lugia: Eh... eww...  
  
Mewtwo: Do you have any super powers?  
  
Schooly D: Yeah, of course I got super powers because I'm Schooly D.  
  
Mewtwo: Display them!  
  
Schooly D: I can't do that.  
  
Mewtwo: Why not?  
  
Schooly D: I'm just not allowed to do it.  
  
Mewtwo: So you mean you don't have any.  
  
Schooly D: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: So the D stands for "Defenseless."  
  
Schooly D: Nah.  
  
Mewtwo: So what does the D stand for, Mr. Rapper?  
  
Schooly D: It might mean Dynamite.  
  
Mewtwo: Or it might mean something pretty, like Dandelion.  
  
Schooly D: The D stands for, somethin' different every day.  
  
Mewtwo: D is for Different, and Delightful (I'm sure getting some sissy copy, aren't I?) Sing something delightful, you know, with flowers and stuff.  
  
Schooly D: Every time I sing something about flowers I lose some of my powers.  
  
Mewtwo: You don't have any powers, you need me in your posy.  
  
Lugia: Posse!  
  
Mewtwo: Like I said, posse!  
  
Schooly D: Uh, I can't do that.  
  
Mewtwo: Well then, give me a rap name.  
  
Schooly D: DJ Mew G.  
  
Mewtwo: Fly!  
  
Schooly D: (buzzing sound) Yeah well, you know...  
  
Mewtwo: (SMACK!) (squashes the fly on his desk) Dead fly.  
  
Schooly D: Yeah.  
  
Mewtwo: (My sea monkeys!) Uh, just a minute, Schooly. (flies off to laboratory)  
  
Schooly D: Alright. It's cool.  
  
Mewtwo: (in laboratory) Sea monkeys? Sea monkeys? Wait! there's one, yes! It's moving! (newborn baby sounds) Hello little one. I shall name you Shapiro. You are mighty small, little Shapiro, and your flippers are tired, but one day you will become (reverb effect) Shapiro: King of the Sea Monkeys!  
  
Eneti: (in control room) Schooly.  
  
Schooly D: Yeah.  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo is tending his brine shrimp, can you wait?  
  
Schooly D: No. That don't get it. I'm sorry, no.  
  
Eneti: Well, can we break your legs?  
  
Lugia: Break 'em! Break 'em!  
  
Schooly D: (laughs) This is crazy.  
  
Eneti: It'll only hurt once.  
  
Mewtwo: (flies back to desk) Oh-kay! Schooly, you're the man.  
  
Schooly D: Nah, you da man.  
  
Mewtwo: No, you're the man.  
  
Schooly D: You da man.  
  
Mewtwo: No, you're the man.  
  
Schooly D: You da man.  
  
Mewtwo: You are the man.  
  
Lugia: I am the man.  
  
Mewtwo: No, you're the birdie! Schooly's the man!  
  
Schooly D: You are the man. You're Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: You're the man Schooly, live with it.  
  
Schooly D: Okay.  
  
Mewtwo: We're out of time, leave us with words to live by.  
  
Schooly D: (violin music in background) No matter how hard it seems, uh, you gotta keep going and you gotta keep trying, because as soon as you give up, the game is over with. (music ends)  
  
Mewtwo: (stares)  
  
Lugia: (stares)  
  
Eneti: (stares)  
  
Schooly D: What are y'all lookin at?  
  
Eneti: Your hat.  
  
Schooly D: You're lookin at me like I was crazy.  
  
Lugia: Your hat's on backwards.  
  
Mewtwo: Sure is.  
  
Lugia: We shall return... with a vengeance!  
  
:INTERRUPT FEED  
  
:START FEED  
  
Lugia: Ready or not, here we come!  
  
Mewtwo: (in laboratory) Okay... I'm all alone... Shapiro? Oh, Shapiro! My, how you've grown! (singing "Flipper") I'm Shapiro! Shapiro! Faster than light-ning! (crunch!) Ow! You could have taken my hand off! Bad Shapiro! I'm not cleaning that up!  
  
(teleports back to desk)  
  
Mewtwo: My next guest is "Weird Al" Yankovic, here he comes now!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Hi, people of the universe! Hi! Look at me, I'm on TV! Whoooooooo! Whoooooooo! (laughs)  
  
Mewtwo: (imitates) Whoooooooo! Whooooooooo!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Ahh! Ahhhaa!  
  
Mewtwo: Whoooooooo! Welcome to the show, Weird Al. Whoooooooo!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Thank you! I, I, uh, I can't tell you what a intense thrill it is to be on your show, I...  
  
Mewtwo: Sure you could!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  
  
Lugia: Tell him now! Tell him!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Hey Lugia, you...  
  
Lugia: Shut up!  
  
Mewtwo: Oooooh.  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: (frustrated) I don't know how!  
  
Mewtwo: Hey Al, tell us about your new record.  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Oh please, Mewtwo, um, I, I came on your show because I'm a, I'm a big fan, not to plug my latest album...  
  
Mewtwo: Wrong! Next question! Super powers, got any?  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Well, um, I can eat my own weight in Ding Dongs. I can turn red traffic lights green just by staring at them, and I can do an oil painting with my butt.  
  
Mewtwo: That's enough to get you on this show.  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Yeah, times are a little hard, I guess.  
  
Mewtwo: So, what'd you think of Schooly?  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: He's, he's a party animal, he's, he's, he's a nut, he's completely out of control, he's, he's a party in a can, he's a wacky, zany, nutty funster.  
  
Mewtwo: Lugia's wacky. Ain't he?  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Sure, um. Hey, Lugia, you evil bird!  
  
Lugia: DIVING bird!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: My powers are beyond your comprehension.  
  
Lugia: (eyes spinning) Do a B flat.  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Baaaaaaaaa! (does a really high B flat).  
  
Mewtwo: (joins in, slightly off key, trying several times) Baaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
Lugia: Now, contort your body.  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Okay. (contorts his body.)  
  
Mewtwo: Baaaaaaaa.. what does that feel like?  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Well, it's kinda painful and it kinda feels good at the same time.  
  
Mewtwo: You mean like when your enemy is shaving your back and...  
  
Eneti: (shivering) Oh-h-h-h-h-h!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: (still contorted) Can you help me here, Mewtwo?  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Can you help me?  
  
Mewtwo: Oh, yeah, yeah. (says "spell" again which I think goes like, hey, hu, ha-ga! Then Al un-contorts) You know, that reminds me of a story... a story about a little pellet who, with a little grit and a lot of sheer will, became a Sea Monkey...  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Also he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.  
  
Mewtwo: (laughs) And you know, Al, that little Sea Monkey is named Shapiro.  
  
Lugia: Here, Shapiro! (Shapiro appears on the set, he has a similar look of Charizard, only greenish brownish)  
  
Mewtwo: Shapiro!  
  
Lugia: Here, shrimp.  
  
Mewtwo: Aren't you plucky! Finding your way to the set...  
  
(Shapiro shoots a ray out of his mouth at Lugia)  
  
Lugia: Uh oh. (gets blasted)  
  
Mewtwo: Jumpin' jujubes!  
  
Eneti: Man, that's a big shrimp!  
  
Weird Al Yankovic: Gotta go now! (waves, ducks out of his chair and leaves)  
  
Mewtwo: No, Shapiro! Why are you doing this? I gave you life!  
  
Lugia: No!! (gets blasted again by Shapiro)  
  
Mewtwo: What have I unleashed?!   
  
(Shapiro roars loudly)  
  
Mewtwo: (in a low voice) That's it boy. Come get some.  
  
(Mewtwo fires a psybeam and blows up Shapiro. The smoke clears, Mewtwo lands on the floor, namely on his behind; a piece of Shapiro falls nearby, while the rest of his body was turned to stone)  
  
Mewtwo: Why do we always hurt the ones we love?! Why Shapiro?! Why?! Shapiro! Shapiro! SHAPIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
(Black screen with the following words:)  
  
IN MEMORY OF  
Shapiro  
March 18  
11:00 pm - 11:15 pm   
  
  
(Credits roll)  
  
Floor Director: Okay, that's a wrap! Break it down boys! Somebody get a hose and a jackhammer!  
  
Mewtwo: Don't you dare!  
  
Eneti: Mewtwo.  
  
Mewtwo: What?  
  
Eneti: Are you gonna eat that?  
  
Space Ghost: (sullen) What kinda question is that? Eneti, that was a sick joke. I thought you guys were my friends. I have to get out of here. (flys off, sound of Mewtwo bawling is heard far away)  
  
Eneti: (crunch!) Mmmmmmmm! Barbecued shrimp!  
  
VICIOUS PLANET INDUSTRIES  
  
  
(Shot of Joey in a Mewtwo outift petting a Meowth)  
  
  
COMING  
IN  
MAY  
  
  
FANFICTION.NET 


End file.
